Visitors to newborn

[Yelrab]

Is my daughter reasonable to ban all visitors to her, her husband and new baby for several weeks? I am in my eighties and would like to see my new grandchild for just five minutes. Is this some new fad? Next thing: psychotherapy for children who did not socialise early enough, as is the case with children who isolated during Covid!

I had visitors straight away because I wanted them to meet and love my baby, their family. If I could go back six months and do it again we'd have no visitors for the first week. My in laws are usually amazing.

It was SO overwhelming after a week of labour and no sleep to come home with this long awaited baby just to have in laws come in a group of 6 rather than the 2 grandparents as requested. Stayed to 2 hours regardless of being asked to leave as always had just one more thing to say. Wanted cuddles when I needed to feed. Kept telling me when baby needing feeding. Brought absolutely loads of gifts including things from people I'd never met. Expected me to open them and be grateful when I barely knew who or where I was. Asked me difficult and private questions about my daughter's birth and about the state of my vagina. Then proceeded to tell extended family personal details about my labour so every fucking person in the family now knows I had two tears and a cut and forceps.

People don't give a shit about the mother and just want to grab hold of the baby and insert themselves into a life experience which isn't theirs with no bloody regard for anyone else. Never again! If I ever have another baby they won't even know I've had the baby until visitors are welcome because everyone proved themselves to be so bloody selfish. And this behaviour was from a GOOD family.

No-one has the right to contact with that child apart from their parents.

It's a baby and not a toy or a possession. The health and wellbeing of the baby and mother is the only consideration here.

There's no cruelty or selfishness in prioritising that. Honestly if my family acted like this and made demands I'd make them wait a lot fucking longer because I won't put up with being bullied and pressured.

I really hope some of you work this shit out before you become grandparents yourselves.

I told people that I wanted to give myself a week or two before I saw anyone with the mindset that I was giving myself a grace period incase I needed it and if I felt better than expected then I would invite people earlier. When my sister had her kids the house suddenly had a revolving door - her choice but watching it I was thinking how much I would absolutely hate that.

Well my in laws arrived at the house the same night we got home from hospital. I was raging. I was in a lot of pain, I hadn't had a chance to have a proper shower and I'm by nature quite private so I didn't want them there seeing me in that way. It made me feel very vulnerable. They then proceeded to find a way or an excuse to visit every bloody day. Then bringing people and their other grand kids with them. It caused massive arguments between myself and my husband because I felt that as it was his family it was up to him to stand up for our agreed plans. Of course fil made it explicitly clear that I was not to breastfeed in front of him which meant I had to go upstairs to feed a baby who was clusterfeeding... of course they complained about that. My own family hadn't even got the chance to meet ds by that stage and they were then getting angry that they were missing out because they were being respectful of what we'd told everyone. It was only when the midwife said to my husband the visits needed to stop to give me a chance to focus on feeding and that it was putting us under unnecessary pressure that he stood up for us. But to be honest years later I've never really forgiven them for it because the ONLY people they were thinking about in those moments were themselves. It certainly wasn't me who'd just had major surgery and it wasn't the child who was losing weight.

People lose all sight of a mother when a cute baby is possibly available for cuddles.

Op I'd say go with it, respect your dds wishes. She may then decide its not needed but if you make it a big deal you might risk the relationship. Very disappointing for you I know but this initial period really should be focused on the mother recovering and baby thriving. Everything else is secondary to that as hard as it may be to accept.

My sil also had a similar birth to me and she made sure she visited everyone and was all smiles and I thought she was enjoying it and she told me later she really massively struggled but felt she HAD to do it incase she offended people and she really believed it made it harder for her to recover from a horrible infection and ended her breastfeeding journey. I say good for any new mum who is able to just say what she needs.

Everyone’s different, and every family’s different. I didn’t feel able to ban family but hated having them round and often cried later. I’m really introverted (and a people pleaser!) but a difficult labour, emergency section and major haemorrhage plus a colicky tongue tied baby and difficulty breastfeeding meant I really wasn’t in any fit state to cope with anything except lying around in giant pants crying and leaking milk for a few weeks.

OP, I do hear your hurt. I think you’ve got to be the bigger person this time though. Just send a reply saying of course you understand, and just let you know when they feel ready and you’ll be thrilled to come bearing gifts and cuddles and to give any practical help they ask for, that you love her and are really excited to meet new baby in due course.

Well personally I think its selfish that you only think of the baby and not how the mother is. I needed time to recover

How do you or she know that mum and baby are well and healthy? I had horrendous PND with my first, my parents and in laws knew nothing of this until I was admitted to a mother and baby unit, as I put in a brave face, so many expectations are placed on new mums and I thought admitting I was struggling made me a failure. I had a really difficult delivery but again the parents knew nothing of this as I'm a private person.
Our first was really unwell and cried constantly but the parebts kept telling me she was fine and 'baby's cry' until she was rushed to hospital unconscious.

So if anyone had asked my MIL 'are mum and baby well' her response would have been 'yes', as is OP's. The truth could be something altogether different.

The baby will not remember if they met their grandma 3 hours, 3 days or 3 weeks or 3 months old, so it's definitely not going to harm the baby to not meet their grandma immediately. My youngest was born just before covid, she met her grandparents once at a few days old, then not until 4-5 months old. They have a fabulous bond, she us incredibly sociable and definitely hasn't been held back by not seeing her grandparents for first few months, if anything she us much more sociable, emotionally stable and confident than her older sister who was passed round all the relatives from day 1, and on most days after for the first few weeks. I attribute this to the strong bond our 2nd has from being just with her immediate family for first few months, it did her no harm at all.

She may decide to change this rule when the baby is here. My DM was there the day I had DS, and I was literally crying on her doorstep after about 3 weeks after havibg him due to continous crying and no sleep (LO had acid reflux.) Mum used to look after him, for a few hours when I went up stairs and slept, she was an angel in my hour of need. I was a reception teacher at the time and thought looking after one child would be a doddle, how wrong I was!
I then had my second baby very fast and mum ended up at being at my accidental home birth.

It depends what the reason is? We're they poorly after birth? Did she have a long complicated labour. I understand maybe they want to settle for the first week or so as new parents, some new mothers find visits overwhelming especially in the first week. Hopefully it won't be long and you will get lots of cuddles

Not the actions of well rounded individuals. I sympathise Op.

Just thinking OP, you said you are in your 80's? So you were 40+ when you had your daughter and she is also 40+? Is this her first child, and has it been a struggle to conceive? That may make her more determined to keep baby to herself and her partner fir a little while post birth, in case it's her only child?

Your daughter is in her 30's and you said you are in your 80's so were you in your 50's when you had her?!

Some of these comments are hilarious. What sort of a thing to say even is this!

It's not well rounded to know yourself well enough to establish boundaries you feel you may need at potentially the most vulnerable time of your life as a woman? And to communicate that in a reasonable way to people so they are prepared in advance?

Honestly.

No, fourties.

Any excuse to exert control. It's a new phenomenon. I have a 2 month old and I've been happy for family to meet him.

If my mum was over 80 when i gave birth I would want her to be as involved as she wanted to be! Sadly, time wil be short. My DGM was in her late 80s when mine were born! She was thrilled to be a ggm & I have lovely memories of her with them before she passed when DS1 was 5 & DT 3. Every day is precious when your family are elderly.

Yes she's very old to be a grandma of a newborn (she's older than my daughter's great grandparents who are in their 70s). It's sad that she doesn't want her elderly mother to visit her baby. I wonder if they have a good relationship.

It is okay. You don’t have to like it, but it is okay.

What the grandparents like OP who this is happening to should be focusing on is how they fractured their relationship with their child so badly that this choice was made.

Sanctimonious twaddle.

@Emptynester67 Selfish? If the ‘fad’s’ to prioritise the woman who gave birth not other grown ups’ feelings for a few weeks then I’m all for it. Time is needed to mentally and physically recover, not cater to other people’s needs. If someone has a major operation you wouldn’t be think they were selfish for having some peace and quiet to recover, would you?

@TheSmallAssassin The baby’s dad is likely very sleep deprived and possibly having to go to work too. It doesn’t seem right to let the relatives who’ve had a full night’s sleep and haven’t given birth have their need for ‘cuddles’ put first. I see this attitude as quite prevalent among older relatives - it can come across as entitled, extremely unhelpful and ultimately can be quite damaging to the relationships. It may not be something you’re used to, but you need to respect what the mother of the baby wants - it’ll actually help grandparents in the long term rather than breeding resentment and lower contact.

@Pottedpalm - have a bit of respect for vulnerable women

All becoming germaphobes.

Very unreasonable. I had my Mother and father at home waiting for us. Mum had food ready for me and got the house ready for our return. I loved havibg my parents there.
Visits in the first few weeks are the best as baby is sleepy and your can actually focus on that. Whereas once baby wakes up week 2-3 gets harder.

Ad long as the visitors get up and help. Then no issue. They shouldn't ve expecting to be entertained by the new parents.
So bring around food or get up and start cooking in the kitchen. Serving drinks etc should be the guests job for the first few weeks.

@MixedCouple2 That’s lovely you had caring parents. Not everyone does. My in laws and parents just wanted to hold the baby as much as possible and me and my husband to make them tea and biscuits. They didn’t lift a finger. They couldn’t have cared less I was recovering from a c-section that made it painful to walk. They resented me ‘taking the baby away’ to feed it. Lots of negative and passive aggressive comments were made caused me a lot of anxiety and stress for months. I say this because it’s worth bearing in mind that just because you had a good experience doesn’t mean everyone else does.

Call it whatever you want 🤷‍♀️ But with your pushy attitude and thinking of your son and the baby before your DIL you would be kept at arms length if you were my MIL.

Don't be so ridiculous. Too many precious new Mums are doing this out of control, not out of fractured relationships. I welcomed everyone to come and see my babies from the minute we were home because I'm not a control freak.