MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

I feel for you but I’m not the best person to give an opinion because imv girls are being sexualised by make up aimed at them when they’re still young children. I think I’m in a minority. So for me, the issues are both sex stereotypes and the age of your DD. No idea what to do but if your DD is indifferent to the gifts I’d dump them. I suspect you’ll have greater battles on this subject with your MiL in the coming years

At 3 talk about painting - it's art for the face and fun. Don't make it about girls and feminine stereotypes. Paint dad's face. Have fun with it. Much healthier than demonising and making it a thing that a 3 year old would have zero knowledge of anyway.

If you aren't close to her she probably didn't realise..?

If you are that concerned, open the presents first. I sympathise as l remember my ex mil buying something for my daughter l objected to. She has grown up body positive, knows she is strong and intelligent and beautiful, and knows how to call out stereotyping.

Yes I would just view it as face paint, so the eye shadow can just go anywhere, the glitter, etc. DD1 is almost 6 and not particularly aware of make-up as a concept as I'm not someone who wears much of it, but she loves having nail stickers or coloured nails and glitter on her face like face paint and has since she was about 3. We just view it as dress up. My friend's DS loves having his nails painted bright colours too!

You’re being ott. Your anger is misplaced. Yes women are treated horribly but it doesn’t start with a grandma buying a furry makeup bag. My dd who is 4 watches me put makeup on and I tell her I like to look fancy. She has some makeup of her own like you describe and a furry makeup bag! She loves messing about with it. Makeup can be an art it doesn’t have to be a big feminist issue.

You’re going to create issues with your kid. She’s 3!

I took think you are being ott here. You are projecting.

Simplify it. Your kid got some fun stuff to paint her face with.

She is three, the way to get your message across is to ensure she has access to all types of toys not limit!

All kids at that age will do face painting etc, you appear to be approaching your goal in a completely unusual way. If you make something banned it becomes very desirable.

You sound a bit ott.

When my two DS were very young (1 to 3) we received electronic toys as gifts, where you pushed a button to get a recorded response. These were popular at the time. I was adamant about blocking any commercial input into how my young children learned about the world and did not even have a television in the house. Once I realized how my relatives were dismissive of my countercultural ideas, I opened and felt free to dismiss/discard their presents before my DS even knew we got anything. It is up to you to lay the basis of how your child navigates through societal expectations. Set up a system where she does not see received parcels until you have vetted them. You are her mediator for the world and need to stand firm.

We have some rules like zero makeup other than natural lip gloss. Those close to us know it and if she receives any gifts that don't meet those rules we just take them away without any fuss and donate to charity (she is also 3 years old). Same with clothes like crop tops.

I don't really understand what possibly goes through people's heads, but I walk around shops and see the clothes options for young girls v young boys and I think we are in the minority OP. Which I find very depressing.

Anyway, I wouldn't kick up a fuss now. Decide what your rules are and be clear on them ahead of next birthday/christmas. And then implement them as you need to and have appropriate but honest discussions with your daughter about why.

Yep, I like this idea. And I don't demonise make up. I wear it! She watches me, playfully hands me the things I use, etc. I tell her I use it when I want to look fancier for a work day or outing, and that it's a fun thing for a grown up to use. She enjoys face painting. The box the eye shadows arrived in was not subtle. It has a cartoon face of a girl with huge eyes, cat-eye eyeliner and a red pout. It's both child-like and sexualised (ICK). If it was a box of 'face paints' with childish patterns on it, I would not have minded.

I think the face paint angle is a good one too.

One of my teenage DCs is into make up, the other less so. I don’t wear make up, my choice but I think regardless of how DCs think I look (terrible probably but I think I look great and don’t care) I don’t think it’s a bad thing for them to see it’s doesn’t have to be a priority. Am sure they won’t give it much thought but I don’t think it does any harm.

I hear you about the clothes. I've seen a pair of shorts for the 4-5 age range in Next this summer that looked EXACTLY like Brittany Spears would have worn them to do a video in. Tiny, pale pink, frayed denim. For a very small child. Icky. Deeply icky.

Honestly it won't matter, having both types of toys is valuable. Let her have the sparkles and the pretty dresses, let her team them with wellies and go jumping in puddles. Buy her the pink calculator to do her maths on if that's what she wants.

I have a very famous, pioneering (male) make up artist in the family, it is a very real career avenue for stage or films (as is cosmetic chemist). I also used to be a face painter as a teen so face paints, make up, materials for fake injuries etc have always just been things we have around the house. I'm actually allergic to make up so never wear it and work in an environmental science field. DD became skilled at makeup and face and body paints as a tween.

In terms of clothes, thick knee length shorts from the "blue" section look great teamed with sparkly tops from the "pink" section ( never referred to as boys / girls in our house).

DD is a teen now, has her own sense of style literally a genius (autistic and tested). Plays rugby and idolises Ilona Maher and just like her will often play rugby with a full face of make up on despite getting covered in mud. It doesn't prevent her from being strong and lifting other players in the line out, or pushing in the scrum or being brave and running full pelt into someone to tackle them. Wearing natural make up doesn't stop her from getting 9s in maths and science. She still finds make up / face paint / skin care a fantastic way to relax and often does it and removes it without even leaving the house. She doesn't even like boys so isn't doing it to attract the male of the species either.

Beauty, brains and brawn do not have to be separate parts of someone's personality they can enjoy all three as equally valued activities and parts of themselves.

My nephew was not allowed toy swords, guns etc.
My ds loved them and always had a plastic weapon of some sort.
My ds works in an office and is a gentle soul.
My nephew is a soldier.

Dc are not influenced by the gifts themselves. It will be your response that your dd remembers.

I find this take quite unusual actually. She isn't 'banned', she is playful about helping me with my own make up, which I wear a few days of the week, and she enjoys face painting at parties and fairs. She also enjoys 'playing' with her appearance in all sorts of other ways - admiring her hair as it grows, choosing her hair clips etc. I'm not trying to be austere or harsh about this with her. But I draw the line at bright blue eye shadow with flecks of glitter in it, in a box painted with the face of a young girl wearing red lipstick.

But why can't she wear that indoors? You can have a rule that it is removed before she leaves the house but why can't she be creative with colour on her face or her body? Use it to draw ladybirds and butterfly's on her arms and legs? It's up to you and her how she plays with it, it doesn't have to be on her face.

@HPandthelastwish just wanted to say I love this, as someone who plays rugby themselves also I love that you are supportive of this avenue

Women can wear make up and be powerful and strong

As for OP I kind of understood it until you mentioned she helps you with your make up for every day. It's fun for kids to play around with and she will want to copy her mum.
I think you can find a way to allow it to be used without it turning into 'looking fancy' which ironically is what you use it for

My mum wrapped up some play jewellery for my almost 3yr old I said no can you remove that please I want her to be a child, we have just brought some stick on earrings and child's beauty bits for my friends 7-9 yr olds.

I remove all the presents I don't like or want her to have, books clothes etc and store it away and normally donate it - no shame

I don't see why you're choosing this hill to die on when you've said your daughter actively helps you do your own makeup and enjoys aspects of dress up/creative expression using hair accessories and painting. If this is all true, then why is it that deep? Just say 'thanks' and put the gifts in a drawer if you don't particularly like them.

I'm curious about this and want to know more actually. To be clear, I didn't make a big deal of it to DD. I just said that's a nice gift, say thanks to Granny, but we're not going to use it as make up just yet - it's for when you're older. As I've said in other comments - I don't take an overtly harsh line, and we have a playful tone around make up, beauty routines, admiring one's appearance, choosing pretty clothes etc. I'm currently typing this wearing glittery silver socks that DD 'chose' for me this morning and lip gloss that she handed to me as we were both getting dressed before going out! She knows Mama loves make up, and that it's to look 'fancy' in, but that I don't think it's quite for her to wear As make up yet. I like the idea of exploring the make up kit and using it for 'face painting' as others have suggested. If she asks for it, I will do that. I don't want to create 'issues' for her, I just want her to develop healthy self-esteem.

Oh I'm with you OP. There is such a thing as pushing boundaries, and putting you in a position where you have to be the bad guy and take something away or collude in something that makes you uncomfortable is where it starts.

Mind you, I am sensitive on this point today because my MIL decided to teach my raised vegetarian pre-schoolers about the joys of eating meat, by making a buffet for them with no non-meat options except a packet of crisps. While we were stuck miles from anywhere, and expected not to leave until well after dinner time.

I imagine a fluffy make-up bag is next.

I think it's just personal preference. I would personally feel more uncomfortable around the mummy looking 'fancy' narrative and her giving you lip gloss and stuff and being involved in your make-up routine as that feels much more like make-up being a 'thing' than some lurid stuff that's more like face paint.

Yep, to all of this. I like this approach. 3 greatly enjoys sparkles etc. And so do I. I think it was the very un-subtle, caricatured cartoon on the box that set off something visceral for me: a pouting red-lipped cartoon-woman who looks like a sex doll honestly (if the damn box wasn't in 3's cupboard right now I'd go and take a photo!) I totally understand that brains and beauty and brawn can go together: I have a PhD, a black belt, and very frilly clothes. But it took a lot of work to discern my way out of all the messed up messages I received growing up about beauty, physical appearance, etc. I'm sure I'm projecting a bit and probably being unreasonable. I'm heartened that 3 was excited about the gifts but when I said we can't use them as make up right now, she just shrugged and hasn't mentioned them since.