MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

My DD is 9 and no one has ever given her makeup. I find anyone giving a child makeup seriously odd, it’s not anything I’ve seen anyone do in my friendship circle.

"I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc."

She's three! You do realise that she won't have the faintest clue what you're on about? 🤣

I remember being told that it’s better to praise children for things where they have some agency - so the way they might have styled their hair, how much the clothes they’ve picked for their outfit suits them - and not present things in a way that is outside their control i.e. “aren’t you a pretty girl”. I’ve always tried to stick to that.

DD was absolutely makeup obsessed from about age 3-7 - loved a trip to Boots more than anything and adored testing out products from my makeup bag, along with doing rather dodgy ‘makeovers’ for fun. Now aged 20 and by far the least looks obsessed of her friendship group all throughout their teen years. She had a bigger makeup collection at 7 than she had at 17! I do wonder how on earth she survived such a traumatic upbringing 🤣

It's children's makeup, though. Just a fun thing. I remember when Avon did it when I was a child. It's not like she's getting Estee Lauder Double Wear Foundation. 😂 Children love face-painting!

I would also feel uncomfortable with makeup at that age before they’ve a strong sense of self.

However, I’d also be keen to guard her positive relationship with mil who I feel has given this gift kindly rather than from any sort of malice.

Id probably bin the most sexualised/inappropriate bits and replace with some face paint in the same bag. Give it to dd in a few weeks when you’re doing dress up and turn her into a sparkly lion or something…

I can’t believe a 3 year old child would get a gift of make up!! My little boy got: foam stepping stones, dinosaur duplo, books, kids knex. He has both cars and a kitchen / doll, pram which he loves. I don’t get why people want little girls to grow up so fast!

Actually, you underestimate 3 year olds. "Boys can wear pink if they want to" is a perfectly comprehensible sentence in response to "my nursery teacher said to Ben that boys can't wear pink". Followed by "people make up rules about this which we don't have to follow". Hey presto. A conversation about gender.

Things that didn’t happen of the year award:
🏆

Congratulations, OP! 🎉

I would also limit time in front of the mirror 15 minutes. Zadie Smith does this because the boys are already 15 minutes ahead. I love the joy of using the gift as face painting and definitely decorate daddy's nails and face and lips.

OP when my daughter was the same age I felt really strongly about the same sort of thing and it was a real uphill battle with my MIL . My DD is now 16 and her receiving make up from MIL made no difference at all to the young woman she is now, she's amazing and a proud (make up wearing) feminist . My friend's daughter grew up wearing fairy dresses and loved make up from a very young age and she is now about to go to Oxford to study economics and is a staunch feminist too

I know it's really hard but really try not to sweat the small stuff. It really doesn't matter.

I would have binned this, OP.

I remember one of my DDs getting a little bag containing pretend makeup which she 'applied' to her face. That was as far as it went.

The dolls that are not representing babies or children - bin. A baby doll is fine for a child of either sex at age 3 but made up, pouty faced dolls are not. Though the Barbie style dolls will all be naked in two weeks, with matted hair.

At the same time, there's no harm in pink clothes, shoes, etc, or having painted nails if she asks for them. Don't give that stuff more allure or power over you or her than it deserves. She shouldn't be given the impression that she has to choose ambition/ intelligence/ assertiveness OR prettiness. Astrophysicists and orthopedic surgeons and barristers can have a strong interest in blusher and bronzer and hair serums.

There's no need to talk to your little 3 yo about gender constructs. Get out and encourage her to take on challenges, make mistakes, dust herself off and try again.

Deal with your own issues separately from your child's reality.

OP, I don’t think you are unreasonable with not wanting your child to have makeup on at that age…just quietly bin it or give it to a charity shop. Same with age inappropriate clothes. Little girls do not need to be wearing short shorts, etc. Let them be kids.

It also makes me wonder why we think it is normal to be interested in makeup as women? There is skincare, sure, but why do we need to wear makeup? Interesting question, no?

Face paints and makeup are not the same thing.

Me neither. I think the only thing I had on my face at that age was mud/dirt from playing outside!

I don’t have a problem with kids playing with makeup- both my son and daughter thought it was fun when they were little.

I would not actually let mine have children’s makeup, unless it’s a special clean mineral based brand. I don’t trust it due to recalls due to genuinely toxic ingredients in children’s play makeup e.g. asbestos in Claire’s makeup just 5 years ago.

You seem to be projecting here and I agree with some other comments that your going to create issues. Self esteem has nothing to do with whether people wear make up or not, playing with make up shouldn't have any impact on a child's self esteem. I love wearing make up and doing skincare, nails etc and when my DD8 asks me questions about it I always say I like how the cream feels, the colours of the make up and it's just part of my getting ready routine. She loves to play dress up with make up and always has done - we do theme disco nights together where we'll do each others hair and make up. She's very confident within herself and she's around strong female role models - some who wear make up and some who don't. She knows it's how someone acts that is important and not how they look. A 3 year old playing with blue eyeshadow is not going to sexualise them! As for toys and clothes mine can choose what she wants and doesn't seem to care of they are traditionally aimed at boys

🙄

OP, you're getting a lot of push back and I think it is unfair. I understand why you feel as you do - she's 3 and the image on the front was sexualised. From what you've said after your first post, it's maybe not the idea of makeup per se, more the particular makeup in question?

I am a Mum of 2 young boys (4 and 1) so I suppose I see the other side, though. I do let my elder son use one of my eyeshadow palettes (I have a Christmas edition of one that looks more like a toy) as I want him to see it as play/ dress up - and not see makeup as intrinsically feminine. The gender stereotypes start so young with clothes and toys. My son recently told me he'd like a hairband but he couldn't "because they are for girls". He had picked that up from nursery. I told him there were no such rules and boys can wear hair bands, just as girls can wear what they want. He has a lot of unisex clothes and - shock horror! - wears pink. One of the girls at his nursery has the same top as him - he couldn't care less, thinks it is nice when they are both wearing it. My point is kids can actually navigate this stuff pretty well with a bit of a steer.

anyway, I'd put that make up away but maybe give her another more age appropriate version

OP, I'd have binned it and replaced with face paints. And told Mil no more make up. You don't know what's in it and she is way too young. My mum didn't let me wear or play with any make up until I was 12, which is honestly sensible.

In the future open presents in advance and edit.

You said your DD was thrilled with the present, so what's the problem? Surely empowerment is allowing her to use these things - as well as making sure she understands she doesn't need to?

A gift once a year isn't going to cancel out how you're bringing her up.

My auntie bought me a huge toy makeup kit when I was 8, and I don't wear it at all these days.

I agree you may be projecting, but it is HARD not to project sometimes. Especially when the world is so heavily weighted towards inherent sexism. If your DD was a DS then I'd wager there's little chance he'd have received a box of sparkly stuff for his face.

I totally agree people can be economists and also wear blusher...or whatever the example was. But I could rant for days about the amount that these societal norms are thrust on tiny humans. I'm also trying very hard not to project any of this onto my kids (and not sweat the small stuff, despite the impression this rant is giving, I am trying 😅) whilst simultaneously trying to smooth out the way the world is already treating them differently because of their gender.

I have DS and DD. We are lucky enough to have extended family members who buy the kids gifts. From those people DS has received toys/games etc which encourage using your brain, moving your body, being outside, whereas DD has received hair clips, princess costumes, head bands and nail polish. DS has never ever received something essentially designed to enhance his looks (despite one year asking for a headband and hair clips as he liked the ones someone had bought his sister). This year having checked the contents of some of the gifts I switched a few tags around in an attempt to balance things out. DS is thrilled with his new pink (currently his fave colour), cat shaped cross body bag, and DD couldn't be happier with the balloon helicopter from the science museum. DD doesn't need more handbags, she already has six (that's five more than me!)

In shops the 'pink' section as someone put it is filled with flimsy fabric, nipped in waists, short shorts, shoes without decent grip whereas the 'blue section' is more often made for rough play, and covers more skin. It goes on and on. The subliminal messaging starts stupidly early. Look at tiny baby rompers. Boy versions are loose around the legs and sleeves, girls are elasticated around the legs, sleeves and waists. Why? Why does an infant need/want a defined waist and clothes which are right around their tiny little brand new limbs? Inequality starts at such a young age, and has an effect on how boys and girls perceive themselves and each other from as young as 5. https://www.parents.com/girls-think-boys-are-taken-more-seriously-new-study-8605194 also this one - https://lindastade.com/self-esteem-strategies-girls/ and plenty more.

Kudos to all the commenters who are offering their children to choose clothes and toys from whichever section, experiment with a wide variety and surrounding them with strong role models whether they're male or female. Been heartening to read your comments.

OP as much as I've been all for the make up as an art resource earlier in the thread, if the product looks very cheap and Temu-like I would bin and get rid.

Not because it's make up but because things like this that have been sourced from less than stellar suppliers can cause significant skin issues and more likely to cause allergic reactions, so if the glitter in the eyeshadow doesn't look cosmetic safe and it may well not be if it's come directly from a factory rather than reputable seller then I'd get rid of as a potential H&S issue rather than anything else and replace with something you think is more suitable like a face painting kit

Here's another one for you. 3 was playing with the doctor set in her favourite play cafe when a man came in with his kids and said "Oh! We have a nurse here!"
3 later told her Dad that she was a doctor but a man said she was a nurse.
Hey presto. Another simple set of sentences to the effect that "girls can become doctors - your doctor who you saw last week was a woman, remember?" I honestly don't know why this stuff is so unbelievable. It's not exactly reading her Gloria Steinem for story time. 😅As someone else has also pointed out - their child got some 'gender stereotyping' in nursery too. It's everywhere. It's totally possible to just call it out in a simple sentence and move on with the day.

Also @LearningToMum totally agree with you about empowering the kids to be able to pushback on things others say about this topic. I remember when my son was 2 he was crying about something and my mother told him 'You sound like a girl!'. I couldn't tell you his response verbatim as I wasn't in ear shot but I understand it was something along the lines of 'I sound like a sad boy, do sad girls sound different?' Could have bloody kissed him! I then followed it up with 'Hey mum, you're a girl, I'm a girl, not sure we should be making out that sounding like a girl is a bad thing'. First time in her 60+ years she'd ever really thought of it like that. We had a good chat about the topic (obviously not with DS who by that point was off doing the next thing). He was definitely 2, as DD had just been born.

Strong watch here - s