MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

I agree with this. Children generally enjoy the make up sets because they're sparkly and fun to apply (and wear just around the house from time to time), not because they think it makes them look more attractive. OP is the one putting across this idea.

Interesting!
I use 'fancy' as opposed to 'pretty' or (silently to myself: less like someone who hasn't slept a lot...)

Yep, and I don't mind that idea. If she asked to use it, I would probably play with it like this too. I'm angry at MIL, but can't quite put my finger on why. I am not trying to create issues around make up or appearance for my kid, which is why I intentionally really didn't make a big fuss about it other than to say 'You can't wear that as make up right now'. I did emphasise "as make up". She can use the colours to paint her arms and legs and the walls, if she likes :)

The self esteem thing is unrelated to the makeup as a gift thing though.

In my previous life as a secondary school teacher, I have absolutely taught students that refused to do anything without their Make up being perfect, those who told me they refused to leave their house at the weekend without make up on. Those who would kick off when told to remove false eyelashes and nails or varnish against the school rules. Their very real self esteem issues weren't caused by being gifted a children's ( questionable) make up kit when they were 3. It was from a life time of not being praised for their strength and their smarts, not feeling valued for other reasons, second best at home following parental break ups, and new relationships, not prioritised due to serious illness heath or disabilities in the family, having learning difficulties and struggling etc etc.

If you are worried about self-esteem then, you praise all parts of her, you provide her with opportunities to do risky activities safely. If she likes make up you let her have it but with rules ie not outside the house until age 12, not at school till age 14. I'm sure you do all those things, but those are the things that make a difference to self esteem.

The very best thing I did for DDs self esteem (and I'm not sponsored by the RFU honestly) is getting her into rugby, always the tallest in her year, started to develop way before her peers 5ft 10 by age 11, wobbly thighs and very conscious of herself. The moment she got into rugby was a game changer, surrounded by strong and athletic girls and women of all shapes and sizes there is a role for the tall and strong, the stocky and tank like,and the small and nippy gazelles. When boys at school make comments she's no longer fussed about them she ilhas an inner confidence because she knows she could physically take them down and humiliated them if she felt like it (she hast yet). Non-contact (and mixed sex) for minis then age groups is single sex and contact or touch depending on your club - keep it in mind as your DD grows.

Gently, I think you’re going to give your DD issues.

My DD was obsessed with everything girly, princess dresses and heels, make up, hair stuff, glitter, unicorns, babies etc up until about 9 and then she went into a proper tomboy.

Now she’s just herself, which is a mixture of ‘manly’ traits like boxing and gaming but also lots of feminine traits like make up, styling her hair and nice clothes.

You have to just let them be themselves.
There is nothing wrong with these sorts of gifts and they’re not going to turn her into anything.

I had a rule that putting on make up and dressing up etc was fine, as long as it was in the home and it was for dress up, instead of thinking you had to dress that way.

I also use fancy when describing why I wear makeup, I also wanted to avoid saying it's to look prettier!

I also think makeup is a really weird gift for a 3 year old. The mess alone would make me wait til they are older, never mind the message that girls need to paint themselves to look nice.

There are so many nice toys and books and art supplies out there to choose from. I think maybe MIL is probably just a bit out of touch and I even wonder if she buys these things as a bit of a rebellion to your feminist notions!

I don't involve either of my DDs in doing make-up or any of that. I do it on my own. I don't feel comfortable with them taking part in it because I feel uncomfortable explaining that I'm doing it to look 'nicer', which is the case whatever word I might choose, because really that's not a lesson I want them to learn at this age. and if I'm honest I kind of struggle with the fact that it's something I believe and do, because I want them to not think you need make-up to look pretty or fancy or better or that their appearance needs to be 'enhanced', even though that's exactly why I do it. It's a tricky one.

To them (2.5 and nearly 6), make-up is the OTT glitter we get out to play with sometimes and not something to make me/them look 'better'. They never really talk about it or have much awareness over it, they don't know what mascara is, or anything like that.

But it's a really personal thing with no 'right' answer. I still don't know what the right answer for us is. But for as long as I can get away with them having no real awareness of make-up as something that 'improves' appearance, the better for me I think. I'm happy for them to view it as something bright and fun though.

If it makes you feel better, when I was little i pestered my mum to paint my nails because I saw her doing it, and insisted on going to the same salon as her to get a haircut. She did and I knew a lot about make up and fashion as a child - my mum loved it and was very glamorous so it was very much a part of our life. Never got gifted any but it was easily accessible.

But I also learnt to play basket ball, was pushed to get decent at maths which I did, collected stamps and was obsessed with Egyptian history. And never wore regular make up till I started work and really enjoy it now despite becoming financially independent at 21, having multiple degrees, and thriving in a male dominated industry (am also an immigrant to the UK and from a patriarchal culture). I'm often underestimated at work/life because i wear make up and dress more feminine and love proving people wrong. Point is, you can appreciate and enjoy 'feminine' things and still be empowered and a strong women. I genuinely think teaching girls to choose careers that allow financial independence, focus on owning assets of their own before they get married and being physically strong and happy with themselves (even if that includes needing to wear lipstick) does more for empowerment than stopping them wearing make up.

Also kids will pick and choose what they like and flip flop through the years, not just because of a gift they received at 3. My gran (mums MIL) was religious and always gave me and lectured me on religious paraphernalia. My mum rolled her eyes but let me choose my own way and I'm an aetheist. You can't change your MIL so don't make it such an issue but you can focus on how you raise your girls.

You sound like awfully hard work OP. It’s a bit of makeup, not the end of the world. Nothing wrong with your DD playing with ‘girly’ things if that’s what she fancies. You’re trying to push an agenda here - in reality a bit of lip gloss or kids ‘eye shadow’ really is not going to do any harm.

As for all of this bowing down to the patriarchy nonsense, she’s 3 FGS. It’s no different than a bit of face paint at parties. Do you also get offended by that?

I think your specific background and experiences are heavily influencing your view on this sorry.

My DDs absolutely love playing with make up, lots of self expression and exploring, creativity and dexterity skills thrown in too. They are getting to know themselves and playing, simple as and all very innocently. They do it to daddy too, he gets a full face on, it doesn't need to mean anything than being a creative toy when primary aged.

Honestly there is a lot of 'make up is what you make it' on this thread.

Sure, but there is also a reason there is a pouty sexualised lady on the packaging, and it isn't that the manufacturers were thinking that it was going to be used to paint a butterfly.

There is absolutely no need to bend over backwards to accommodate the patriarchy. It has enough in-built advantage without your help.

It's true obviously that women and girls have a lot of challenges - my youngest and only girl is 3 next month, and we certainly don't do hot pants, bikinis, tummy on show.

BUT - I allow makeup. She got interested in it after halloween and was making a huge mess with face paint, so I got her some eyeshadow and glitter pallets because with just powder the mess is really limited. She likes to make us and her dolls up as zombies and vampires. She also has a lip balm stick - she sees me and her brother using them (sore lips) and wanted her own. I don't see the issue. She doesn't know about proper make up or trying to look more attractive to other people, because I don't wear makeup.

I feel that we need to model what we want to see. Little girls will want to wear makeup and hot pants etc if they see their mums doing this from a young age. They'll learn to value themselves by their looks rather than other attributes. My daughter doesn't think that mama loves makeup, and doesn't know about beauty routines or looking fancy.

People can say it’s all good fun, it’s just face paint, it’s just dressing up, it’s just ART, until the cows come home. And that their friend’s daughter’s neighbour’s SON wears it too- so it’s fine! But we all know... this is marketed for little girls, and bought for little girls, and is all part of the social conditioning that says girls should put sparkly paint on their eyelids and gloss on their lips, and add colour to their cheeks- to look like better versions of themselves, ultimately for the benefit of men. And honestly- this is also what you are modelling, OP, when you put your own make up on. And- what I am modelling to my daughters, when I do the same. I’m as guilty as anyone else for this. But let’s at least see it for what it is.

Yep! And I get this! I guess what bothered me is that I viewed it as something 3 and I could continue to chat about and we could feel our way into this territory more mindfully? I do use make up playfully, enjoy it, and use 'fancy' rather than 'pretty' because I don't want to associate it with 'making myself beautiful' (i.e. I am 'not beautiful' if I have a naked face/ beauty is about how I look). I am mindful of that for me, after a lifetime of hearing that I 'should' look a certain way to be accepted as a 'proper' woman (and have long hair, and a slim body, and a soft voice, and not do martial arts etc... It all seems to be tied together!) And I continued to use 'fancy' in my language with 3 for those same reasons. I would like her to feel like she can play with make up just like she plays with her hair clips, but something about that set, and the way it was just casually sent over seemingly without any thought, set me off. I am more than happy to accept that I'm projecting wildly and being ott. I totally don't want to create any issues for 3 - either by 'banning' make up for her or by being too permissive (in any case I'm pretty sure the flecks of glitter in that eye shadow are a health and safety risk . They look like if they got in your eye, you'd need a doctor 😆)

I’d be quietly angry too. Ask your local charity shop if they’d like the gifts. I don’t think it’s worth explaining your views to your MIL though, because she won’t understand.

I can see your point but it’s how you frame it. Our 3yr old son has some wash off nail paint. He saw mine and wanted some, he’s even painted his dad’s toes. It’s just a medium, like paint or play dough. It’s a bit of fun and is only what you make of them.

Could you stick a sticker over the offensive picture on the box and let her do some drawing with them? At the end of the day, your MIL should respect that 3 is very young to be buying makeup without checking with you first.

Sex.
Gender isn't a thing.

My 3 yo DGS got a make up case this year and he loves it! He got a baby doll and push chair last year which he also loved. He also loves paw patrol, transformers and duplo!

How depressing that most people think you’re being unreasonable.

Yes! But also, this is why I use 'fancy' rather than 'pretty' or 'beautiful' when I talk about why I am putting on the make up. It's also useful that 3 hears me talking about colour choices sometimes. Her Dad doesn't like red lipstick. I very much do. I will wear it whether he thinks it looks nice or not. Shrug. It's very tricky territory. I am trying to find the sweet spot where I can balance liking to play with my appearance while having healthy self esteem and not catering to the male gaze. Or, not losing myself in the male gaze. It wish my mother had made me aware of the subtleties of these things before I was exposed to an onslaught of mid-90s messaging about how a girl 'should look' in order to be 'attractive'. It would have saved me a lot of issues which took a long time to work through later.

It sounds like you’re massively projecting your own issues re: the ‘male gaze’ onto your DD, OP.

I get the take that I sounded like I had an OTT reaction that may cause a 3yo to then have 'issues' (i.e. 'if you ban something they will want it'). I think that's fair. So I'm glad that I did not have that kind of OTT reaction. But I do wonder why people think it's ok for a 3yo to receive blue eyeshadow. Totally fair to suggest we use it as face or body paint and let her have some fun. Sure. But then... gift a child face paint, no? Why glittery make up? I don't know. It set off something visceral for me that I can't explain.

Yep, totally possible. I'm very sensitive about this because it's been an issue in my life. So yes, totally a possibility that I'm wildly projecting.

yep, if she asks to play with it, I'll maybe even remove the little tubs from the main box, stick them in a zippy bag and tell her to use them as paint for her arms, or I'll use a brush and use them as face paints.