MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

I agree, just demonstrates though that any typically girly/feminine activities or interests are regarded as lesser because women are which is a shame.

I also think you're making an issue here where there isn't one. When my daughter was that age, she loved nothing more than a bit of glitter on her cheeks and some lipgloss (up to her nose and down her chin!). It's okay! My little neighbour of a similar age came to show me her face artwork the other day. It's a very normal fun thing to do. I presume you wouldn't make a fuss about face painting at a party? This is no different. Don't make an issue where there isn't one.

I hear you about dolls (Bratz dolls when my DD was little, awful things) but they're just dolls and she'll lose interest. They're not going to turn her into a mini teen.

I do get it. My in-laws have always and will forever buy my daughter things for her hair, things for cooking, things with unicorns. And will always and will forever buy my son things with army characters, Star Wars or some other sort of violence. They were confused when I got my son a play kitchen and equally confused when my daughter stopped wearing pink. So I have had to grit my teeth through plenty of gift giving occasions.

I'd take the cover off as it sounds gross and play dress up with them to avoid it becoming a 'thing' and then wash your faces and go on with your day. I don't actually wear makeup so I am surprised you feel this strongly about it as you do and your daughter is around it a lot - I don't wear it at all but my daughter is 12 now and experimenting and I'm happy to buy it for her and let her practice on me.

Op my dc are girls and had a huge range of toys, what are annoyingly called boys toys like trains.
They had dolls but neither seemed to want to play with them..
They had dressing up dresses and were certainly allowed to climb in them and go for muddy walks in them and basically do what they wanted

They also had play makeup and both have normal healthy relationship with make up and one doesn't go near it.

Balance, don't make a fuss, always compliment on the person and sometimes the looks!!

‘I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person’

Who can’t wear make up if she chooses to?

Makes no sense.

I come from a family of strong, matriarchal, successful women and my daughter LOVES make up! I wear make up, despite being independent and confident.

I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. My daughter has always been maternal and loves all things girly. She also loves footballs, Lego etc.

Lean into their passions and allow them to be themselves.

This is something that I take very seriously with my daughter, OP. I read up around the topic a lot, and the statistic that stays with me is:

87% OF YOUNG GIRLS THINK WOMEN ARE JUDGED ON APPEARANCE, NOT ABILITY
(Taken from the girl guiding’s attitudes survey, 2013).

their more recent surveys also make for really illuminating reading, but I keep thinking about the statistic above.

Clothes and toys that are directly marketed at girls are so often superficial and linked to appearance. Those that really develop skills or support cognitive development often fall into the category of “marketed for boys”. To me, the link between this and the perception above is so clear.

my family are really supportive, but occasionally my daughter is given things that I hide away for a bit and then donate. It’s never made into a big deal. Just part of me being her mum and doing what I think best for her.

If she sends the gifts and doesn’t give them in person just unwrap them and check they’re suitable if they are give them and if not don’t

It makes perfect sense when you realise a lot of people fighting the system are actually just as much a part of it and see things traditionally associated with women and girls as lesser. Ballet for example, this takes a lot of skill and discipline and yet a girl who plays football will generally be applauded more loudly even if they're doing ballet because they genuinely just enjoy it.

And will always and will forever buy my son things with army characters, Star Wars or some other sort of violence.

That's awful, I hope you took them off of him and explained to the gift givers that this could lead him down the path of male violence when he's older.

You are being extremely unreasonable and you're massively overthinking this.

The key fact being that this ‘study’ was done in 2013. It is now nearly 12 years on - the world and attitudes re: feminism have massively changed.

I'm sorry for the off-topic, OP, but I absolutely HOWLED at "Brittany" Spears 😂😂😂

It's a bit of fun to do make up. For boys and girls

She's 3

You over reacted

To play devil’s advocate…

Why don’t most men feel the need to wear makeup?

Think of all the money saved not bothering with makeup, false lashes, trout pouts, nails done, Botox, the diet industry. It is promoted for women to do because it is a money spinner. Just like heels you can’t walk in properly to tilt the pelvis forward and stick out the bum, plastic surgery, breast implants, push up bras, hair extensions, hair colouring, etc, etc. Women’s bodies are never enough as they are. Imagine if women were putting that money into investments for their retirement. Imagine all the plastic waste saved.

Wash your face, get your hair trimmed so it isn’t out of control, wear sunscreen. Get your exercise, eat and sleep well for health. Job’s a good un. Free your mind to do other things. Have your self expression and worth be in something other than appearance.

Most men pretty much show up as they are. A shave if they want, a haircut. When women feel they can do this too, then that is a step towards equality. But for some reason, women feel like they have to alter their appearance to be acceptable. Maybe it is because it is ingrained in them they are there for the male gaze, or maybe it is to compete against other women, or maybe they have to improve their bodies/appearance because women are seen as societally lesser. I suspect men think it is annoying to watch women do all of this…for the time spent on it, and probably the money.

English men at court used to wear makeup and earrings in the 17th c., all for the titillation of Elizabeth I and then the likely gay James I. Now, it isn’t masculine. So many of these norms are arbitrary.

OP, you do what you think is best for your child.

I mentioned that statistic in particular because it was the one that started me thinking about being mindful when raising my daughter.

here is their most recent survey: https://www.girlguiding.org.uk/globalassets/docs-and-resources/research-and-campaigns/girls-attitudes-survey-2024.pdf

I still see the same problem reflected in these statistics.

I’ll play devil’s advocate too -

I think that men should be more conscious of their appearance and many would benefit from the vanity effort that women make!! Far more ugly men than ugly women roaming around.

The number of women who spend a wild amount of money of plastic surgery and whatever else is probably similar to the men who spend ££s on steroids, supplements and the gym not for health but for aesthetics. Reality is that for most women who do wear make up and get their hair done it's a small part of their lives; making assumptions about women who do and insulating that they don't feel they have value beyond their looks makes you part of the problem. Of course women shouldn't feel societal pressure to wear make up, but those that choose to aren't lesser than you.

Yet I have heard of teenage girls who get really distressed if they are not allowed to wear make up at school. It's as if they do not have the confidence in their natural appearance to be seen in public without the artifice.

I could get that I suppose for someone having particular problems with skin who might want a bit of cover up, but why the need for the full face at all times.

It's not so much saying she can't wear make up ever, just that she doesn't have to always.

Exactly this, I know grown women who don't feel comfortable leaving the house without make up on. There was a trend a few years ago where people were posting makeup free selfies on social media like it was something brave and admirable. I don't want that for my daughter. I think there are real risks to self esteem.

@5foot5 those girls absolutely do exist but as I wrote in a post yesterday, in my experience these are never the girls raised in happy homes with strong female role models, who have robust self esteem and clear boundaries. They are not the girls who are allowed to experiment with makeup but with the rule that it isn't to be worn out the house. In my experience these are always girls who have experienced some level of adverse childhood events, some times thats lax supervision on SM because parents have separated and / or busy with new partners or just working to put the food on the table, or parents have their own MH issues, or they have siblings that are high needs or there are just lots of them. Or they have parents with rock bottom self esteem themselves who compliment them just in their looks and are very looks conscious themselves. One way or another they are girls that aren't getting the attention and boundaries they need from the parents that should be giving it to them. So they exert their power in the small ways they can by acting out and controlling what they can. Those girls don't develop because a misguided relative gave them a (questionable) children's make up set.

I do also think this is another reason why women are financially disadvantaged. Spending money on all this rubbish in order to be considered 'attractive'. I think you've worded it better. (Also, I'm not judging others but I'm talking about my own experience and the amount of effort and money I 'wasted' over the years).

I fondly remember my Polly Pocket make up set circa 1990, I even remember the way it smells. As it's now £175 it's a shame my parents didn't keep it!

As an adult I literally only own a mascara as it was given to me for Christmas, moisturiser and I don't dye my hair. 'Beauty' must cost me about £150 a year and that is largely just hair cuts. It really isn't a slippery slope.

Oh wow ok, so there's a lot of responses here! Thank you all for weighing in - some really thought provoking insights..

This. THIS. Until a while ago, I was one of them. I couldn't show my face in public without full make up, because of everything I had internalised about physical beauty. It started innocently and playfully, but over the years it became more and more until I couldn't see myself for all the stuff I was putting on my face. I don't want to ban my child from experimenting with fun things. But now isn't the time for blue eyeshadow. It's the time for face paint, sure. Better still, mud on her face, and leaves in her hair, and cheeks red from running, and feeling the rush of confidence from knowing that she can jump higher today than she could yesterday.

Sure! I do understand this. Of course I'm not suggesting that one single make up set will tip her over completely and forever. I did say I can't exactly put my finger on what caused that reaction in me.