MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

I think it's shocking the amount of people who think make up at age three is appropriate. It's really grim.

Completely get where you’re coming from, but as others have said on here, make up doesn’t just have to be about reinforcing beauty standards, it can also be about self expression. There’s a photo of me, age 5, having received a similar make up kit to your daughter. In the photo, I am painting my father’s beard with gold glitter (to make him ‘beautiful’ apparently in my own 5 year old words) and have also given him some blusher. We’re both laughing, it’s a really happy photo of us.

Just as others have said, emphasise that make up is for having fun, being artistic and creative. If she has lurid colours in that kit, all the better- she can be extra colourful. I get where you’re coming from about not wanting her to engage in toxic beauty standards, but unfortunately she IS going to encounter toxic beauty standards, that’s just part of growing up in a patriarchal world. She is going to encounter people wearing makeup, so it might be best to teach her how to engage with make up healthily. As otherwise she’ll learn about makeup/bodies from sources that are not you, and are less positive. You could use this as a great learning opportunity- teaching her how to healthily use makeup as a source of fun, rather than to ‘mask’ or feel pressured/coerced into looking a certain way. Eg when she puts on the makeup, you could say things like: ‘you look so sparkly!’, ‘you look so different, that’s really fun!’ ‘I like your green eyeshadow, that’s my favourite colour!’, instead of saying ‘you look so pretty!’. You and your partner could also try on the make up with her, and when you put it on you could say things like: ‘I’m putting on orange eyeshadow because that’s my favorite colour!’, or ‘I like the silver sparkles so I’m going to put them all over my cheeks’. You could even include the ‘makeup’ in art sessions (she can paint, draw, or do makeup) to really emphasise it as a creative tool, rather than one which has burning to do with beauty.

To clarify, you aren’t being unreasonable or a bad mother. It sounds like you’re a fabulous mother and really care about your daughter. Unfortunately, your daughter has been gifted something you’re uncomfortable with, putting you in a tricky situation. In my opinion though, you might as well try to make the best of it, but that being said I would also understand if you chucked it.

Yes, I can see that. 3 loves her wash-off glittery nail paint too. We use it for fun too and when we do, I don't have serious chats about what nail polish may 'mean'. It's just glitter and fun.

Your child is 3. Just let her be a child, FFS, without obsessing about political indoctrination.

OP, you are not projecting and your reaction to these ill-judged presents is entirely reasonable.

My DCs had eczema and very sensitive skin so anything like this would end up first used for crafts and then in the bin.

I know that doesn't solve you mil problem but it does get it out of the hands of your DD.

Incidentally my DCs also "missed out" on gifts of kids skincare and other bath and body products that I might have also thought were age inappropriate due to their sensitive skin.

thank you, I totally appreciate this. I won't chuck it, but yes, I will probably stick to the line of we're not using this 'as make up' right now, it's fun 'paint' for your face or body. and yes, totally love the angle of using make up for creative self expression and fun. in a few years, if she does ask to use colours as make up, I'll definitely be using some of these phrases from your message :) we do like sparkles in this house :)

Subtly take it away from dd but don’t get so cross about it - doesn’t sound like a big deal.

that's partly the point :-)
I'd like to protect her childhood!

I wouldn't get worked up about it - just chuck the make up in the bin. 3 year olds don't need to be playing with make up, they shouldn't even be thinking about appearance at that age!

The make up would irritate me but I love the idea of just turning it into face paint for all.

My FIL does not believe in following a list (he asks for ideas then picks inappropriate gifts). After last years drone for a 4yr I preempted but opening and then sellotaping the packages back up so I could be prepared. DS was disappointed because he got two games (aimed at older children) and not the brio/lego he wanted. The games have been put away to be sold later.

I had your view once op, I still kind of do. But dd is now 8, she asked for about a year for make up stuff, in the end I decided saying no was making her want it more so she's got lipgloss and eye shadow etc. she puts it on for special occasions, I don't comment, I think making a fuss just solidifies it as forbidden fruit for them.

With a 3yo I'd just let her play with it in the bath or something.

This. Calm down. How lovely that your dd has an interested, engaged grandmother. That is a positive start to her life. Surrounded by good women. Don't over think this.

I wouldn’t let a 3 year old have make up either. It will end up everywhere.
I feel as you do with toys, I just made sure my kids had a range of toys to play with and let them choose. But no make up or nail polish until about 6.
If Granny sends gifts rather than gives them, open them to make sure it’s suitable for a child. Next time swap the make up for a point set and re wrap.

We treat it like face paint. It's part of fancy dress, like her Cinderella or Elsa dress. She can wear them as much as she likes in the house but we don't wear fancy dress outside and we don't wear the make up outside either. She's happy with that. I'm not a fan of the make up (or princess dresses - they're so practical for a puddle jumping 3 year old), but it makes her happy so this seems like a compromise

In my experience allowing small children access to 'toy makeup' has little bearing on how they will grow up. My DD loved pink and sparkly clothes, Barbie, baby dolls etc. as a child, we never limited this. We also provided her with other toys like train sets, buliding blocks, cars, lego etc. It's about balance. As a teen she is now a feminist, not keen on pink and not especially into hair and makeup- nor does she wear clothes which are revealing.

I think you’re overreacting ! While I fully agree young girls are being sexualised and it needs to stop, I don’t see this as anything bad.

little girls love things like this and as long as it’s harmless and fun it’s fine.

unfortunately I think you have past trauma/unresolved issues yourself. I think you genuinely mean well, but I honestly think you’re going to cause yourself problems down the line. I think you’re going to try and control something that didn’t need to be an issue therefore making it an issue.

Just relax a bit and let your daughter be her and don’t sweat the small stuff, this is definitely a small thing.

To clarify, both 3 and me greatly enjoy being playful with dressing up and frills and ruffles and glitter. But in age appropriate ways. 3 has a dressing up box with clips that she chooses, and children's bead necklaces that she chooses. She has wash-off nail polish that doesn't survive a single hand wash... She has sparkly dresses that she enjoys wearing and spent today in wellies with a fairy-princess dress on top, a flower clip in her hair and mud on her face. I think that's an age-appropriate balance that allows her to enjoy herself without encumbering her with overtly sexualising things - bright eye shadows and red lip gloss for a child who was only potty trained 6 months ago? I dunno... Too much?

Home life and your own values are so much more important than a tiny bit of 'conditioning' from MIL. My DD was the pinkest, makeupiest 4yo you've ever met. She loved it all and I let her have it as I thought it was probably a phase (it was, she grew out of it by about 7). However, I never wear makeup. At 16 when many of her friends are caked, she wears a tiny bit of concealer and mascara. Her cousin looks like she's had a personal MUA and has spent thousands (literally! Sephora) on makeup but her mum is like that. I am so happy my DD doesn't.

I have a bad body image so I have tried to tell my DD she's pretty and compliment her growing up, not too much but enough. She's slim but she's not worried about what she eats and has a really healthy view of her body. She can take compliments gracefully. I'm so happy that she's so balanced.

I think your passions and desires for your DD's view of herself/ women will eventually have an impact as she'll be exposed to them daily but no need to impose these views on others or even on her (banning things or restricting things). Let her explore. The tiny impact your MIL may have is negligible. Calm, loving family relationships are way more valuable.

But girls only fixate on their appearance and make up as a necessity (rather than fun) when they aren't encouraged to have any other skills, talents or achievements. And don't see these things modelled at home.

There are so few girls who are told that real empowerment comes from financial independence. So few girls encouraged into sport of hobbies or taught life skills (e.g DIY, changing a tyre, self defence etc) or exposed to role models in the media like astronauts, sports women, politicians or just women interviewing as top of their field. Or told that having their own assets is the best way to avoid putting up with a man's shit in marriage - so they aren't staying for financial reasons.

There are so many women who don't wear make up who are still not empowered and don't know how to stand up for themselves. And women like Serena Williams or a lot of top US Olympians known for their bold make up and fashion as well as talent, all the women who take pride in their appearance and command respect because they're so confident at the workplace. I know female police officers who wear make up and also know they're physically strong enough and good at self defence to not walk around in fear. Men have beards and muscles to help them feel good, they use hair gel and cologne, and wear good suits and it's not to impress women - it's to feel attractive, powerful and create an image. It's sad when women think looking good is done just for men, because a lot of women wear it to feel attractive and powerful and create an image.

Make up isn't the enemy. It's the lack of options and opportunities presented to young girls that kills their self esteem, and turns make up into the hobby.

Honestly you are being unreasonable. It's a toy. You are seeing things that aren't there. All you are doing is making this a particular memory as opposed to just letting her get bored with it.

So, I struggle with this, because on one hand I think you're overreacting to the items themselves (and I'm a woman who doesn't shave, wear makeup or revealing clothes), but also, I firmly believe that grandparents have a role, and that role does not include overstepping lines that the parents draw, no matter what your thoughts are on them. Luckily, my husband and I are on the same page, and don't have difficulty commuticating our rules and insisting that they are followed (for us, this is plastic by approval only, and a strict limit of two gifts per child, which we made clear before we even started trying to conceive after seeing the mountains of presents in-laws got for their first two granddaughters and the disgusting ungrateful way they reacted to them as a result of chronic overindulgence). Just have a conversation with your in-laws where you make it clear that you and your husband are not just the highest authority in your child's life, but the only authority, and in the future, onlt gifts they have run by you first will be given to your daughter to open. Don't engage in any further discussion on the topic - you don't need to convince them.

I wouldnt want that stuff on my face, let alone a skin of a three year-old.

Again OP, if you seriously find children’s eye shadows ‘sexualising’ then that’s your own unresolved issues/trauma coming to the surface. I suggest that you seek professional help with this, it obviously plays far too heavily on your mind. Kids eyeshadows have little to no pigment and are practically just a bit of glitter - nothing like real eyeshadow and nothing remotely sexual about it.

This. You have turned this into such a huge thing for no reason.