MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

Mate, that didn't happen 18 years ago for my child so i am highly sceptical unless you are ina time warp.

well this! thank you. this worries me too. I don't put crap on my face; why would I put crap on my child's face? huge flecks of glitter near a child's eyes? eek.

we have a playful tone around make up, beauty routines, admiring one's appearance, choosing pretty clothes etc.

You are having these conversations with your 3 year old? My DD had children’s make up at 3 but it was very much a toy and not part of any meaningful discussions about one’s appearance. I think the novelty lasted a couple of days before she moved onto the next toy. Honestly it sounds like you are making a bigger deal than there needs to be. It seems like a contradiction to get worked up about a make up gift then demonstrating how you apply yours to look “fancy.”

I would vet the gifts next time if you feel this strongly.

I think that you’re a tad hypocritical to teach her that makeup is for feeling fancy and encourage her to pass you products etc because she’ll want to feel fancy too. Feeling fancy and feeling pretty (ie looking better ) are not wildly different ime

I didn’t buy makeup for my dd until she was much older and painted toenails were her first experiences of makeup which she loved.

give her face paint instead. she can be very creative with that. there are glittery kinds too.

3 year old girls do NOT need makeup. i completely agree with you.

I have the same problem with my 4 year old. She got makeup from a relative and she absolutely loves it. I don't wear make up at all and have no idea how to navigate this. I don't want her developing insecurities or feeling like she needs it to look pretty but at the same time I'm not sure an outright ban is the right way to go either. Make up for such a young child seems like madness to me! I will have to come back and read the whole thread when I'm a bit more awake.

I've already had to hide a couple of items before they ended up all over the furniture / in her hair etc 😬

For goodness sake. Small children love to copy mummy (or daddy). It's a natural development of play. Do you complain if she has a play kitchen or play workbench and copies you? Do you complain if she has play gardening tools or a play vacuum cleaner? But you don't want her to copy you putting make up on?

As for Grandma's gift, as I've said on several threads this Christmas, family members can't win. If they ask for gift ideas, they're 'adding to the mental load' or 'stealing my best ideas'. If they don't ask they've 'bought something inappropriate'.

So lighten up. Let your child make up daddy's face (my granddaughters' favourite activity) and stop blaming grandma.

Absolutely LOVE this video. And loved your story about your DS. Well done Mama!!! I have to admit 3 doesn't push back just yet. But she sort of brings these examples to us as questions later. And then we call them out. I really don't understand why people think you can't use age-appropriate language to communicate these things to kids in a way they can be understood. It's actually quite a simple concept: anything boys can choose/be/do, girls can too. There's no difference. That's really not hard, either as words or as a concept.

I've just remembered actually - after seeing face paint written on this thread about 100 times now - DD actually has a set! Ha. She got it after enjoying it a lot at a party and the mum friend who was doing the painting gave her some. She was extremely excited, and then lost interest (I suspect, much like every single other thing ever received... the shine wears off in a flash..)

3 is quite young for make up. I, personally, don't like makeup on children at all. I would not be so worried about the dolls.

this is an interesting idea! it does tap into something - all this stuff takes not just money and energy, but also time. time that boys/men are not socially pressured into spending this way. good point.

the dolls I'm not worried about either. she barely plays with any dolls, even ones she likes. she takes their clothes off, puts them on, takes them off again and then... forgets about the doll. 😂

Seriously, just stop.

My mum was really into make up. She even taught make up sessions at our local youth club. Took lots of pains with her appearance. Apart from a brief flirtation with mascara, I've never worn make up. When I said I wasn't going to wear make up fot my wedding, my mum actually cried.

My daughters had Tinkerbell kiddy make up given to them as gifts when they were small. It was just pretend play to them.
One of them is incredibly sporty, one of them creative, and both feminist adults who are only occasional users of make up.

You're taking all this way too seriously. Your DD will be who she wants to be. You'll have some influence, but she won't be a carbon copy of you, or even close. The make up set will have no influence at all.

3-year-olds don’t need make-up, it’s far too early. And unless it would have been the same gift had DD been DS then you’re not being at all unreasonable to question it.

OP from your posts you sound like one of the most rational, reasonable and well balanced parents on here - your DD is lucky to have you.

I have a lot of sympathy with your views on this. I am the last person to want to force gender stereotypes on a child. I am 62 and when I was little my mum, mainly, expected me to play with dolls and other "girls' toys" and preferred me to wear dresses and do my hair nicely. I preferred toy cars, climbing trees, wearing jeans and wanted short hair.

When I had DD I was determined not to force these feminine roles on to her. Yes, she had dolls and MIL (who had only had boys and male grandchildren at that time) bought a dolls house and was desperate to do "girly" things with her. But we also tried to balance this with other toys and activities. Nevertheless she did seem to have a natural preference for the traditional girl type toys.

I have never been a fan of little girls wearing make up and sexualised clothing, so we definitely avoided that.

Ultimately though I think if you just quietly go on displaying a good example, but not going OTT about it then things will turn out OK.

I remember when DD was about 8 there was a part work called Real Robots which allowed you to build a robot in fortnightly instalments. We decided to do it together. DH would have loved to get involved but didn't because he knew I wanted this to be a mother and daughter project. The takeaway was meant to be that science/robotics can be a female thing, and not just something a girl would do with her dad, but could do with her mum.

Anyway we did it for about a year and it was fun. Then one day I went upstairs and found DD had made a little nest with the lid of the laundry basket and a baby blanket and the robot was snuggled up inside. She said she just wanted to make the robot nice and comfy. How girly is that! I despaired.

But DD is now an independent adult, a scientist, takes no shit from anyone. She can dress up and put on the glam well when she wants to. Equally she will happily put on her hiking boots for a long, muddy walk. I think she has turned out OK.

I love all of this. :)

Take the boxes away?

This is part of it: MIL would never give anything remotely girly to a boy, and would have 'something to say' if a boy was doing girly things/ enjoying a dress/ using make up etc. She'd have something to say if I let a boy shop in the girls section.

Yep. Will do.

I rarely wear make up, but I do have quite a collection of eyeshadows, lipsticks and highlighters (never wear concealer or foundation)
and it's not because I think I need it to look good, but because sometimes I really enjoy just sitting down and experimenting with different eye make up looks.

saying fancy rather than pretty is good, but I think better yet is probably to say that sometimes it's fun to put colours on your face. because for me, that's what it is, but you're right not to say it makes you pretty. most of the time I wear none at all. occasionally just some lip tint and mascara, maybe eyeliner. and when I feel like having a play, I can have some very elaborate eyeshadow, using multiple colours, shading into each other in different areas of the eyelid.

I mean, interesting discussion.

But, personally I'd just chuck 'em, because-

1. Mess. She's 3, it'll get on the carpet, the furniture, her clothes, your clothes.
2. Cheap crap on sensitive skin. I had eczema'ry kids, so the sight of that stuff made me shudder and head for the nearest bin.
3. It'll be a job for you, every time. No independent play for a 3yo with a box of makeup.

They're by far my top 3 reasons. Reason 4) would be 'encouraging kids to grow up too fast'. Like I said, interesting discussion, but the logistics make it a huge no-no before I even get to that discussion!

thank you - I like the suggestion about it being fun to put colours on your face. that is basically what it is, outside of all the meanings we attach to it...

Your overthinking about all of this is going to no doubt make things worse to be honest. Just let her do what she enjoys- get her to try sports, toys, whatever else regardless of whether they're dominated by boys traditionally- but if she does enjoy 'girly' things that's not bad either. A 3 year old will not view make up the same way you do, the biggest factor in her wanting to wear it mind you will be seeing you do it and wanting to emulate mummy.

Ha, yes, excellent point thank you. Others have also pointed out the cheap crap on 3yo skin makes it a no anyway. she doesn't have eczema, but I'm still careful about what products we use - 3 is very young!

My oldest is 5 and has a mountain of princess lip balms, nail varnishes and Barbie dolls.
She chooses her colours, often a different on for each finger and plays with her dolls as if they are teachers, vets, ice cream shop owners. She also says when she is older she will be a flying vet and her husband will stay at home with their babies but she'll also get him a dog for company.

I don't understand the theory that to encourage our girls to be feminist, strong women we must avoid anything remotely "girlie" why can't they have both ? Isn't that the whole point?

DH took DD to a national trust place yesterday for her to run about, climb trees and play equipment, with her Disney princess leggings and jumper on, pink wellies and blue nail varnish.
They can do both