To not want to host next year because of MIL’s laziness

[pistachio83]

I am just done with it. We always host because we have space and every other family member has next to none and/or is skint. So we’re the default. And we live a few hours away so people have to stay over. We also have three young kids and two dogs. There is so much that goes into it, I won’t bother listing it all. MIL does not lift a finger the whole time unless specifically asked and SIL is preoccupied with her own small child (single mum). MIL doesn’t even really play with the kids or take them out, just sits on her phone whilst they watch tv and me and partner cook and tidy and bring out drinks. Didn’t even offer to make a cup of tea. My own parents aren’t around anymore so it’s not even possible for us to use this excuse and it’s making me miserable to think my Xmases will focused around hosting DH’s family rather than enjoying precious
Christmas’s with the kids. I barely got any pics of them this year.

Nope, not unreasonable at all.

Did you mention it ‘mil could you set the table please?’ ‘would you mind naming the teas whilst I do x?’ Etc

Not unreasonable- break freeee! Would your partner be happy to swerve them?

don’t do it next year. Tell her you are having a quiet one and leave her to sil.

I'd think about how you'll feel in years to come if you already feel you're missing out on quality time with your kids at Christmas. In my book it's completely unreasonable to be a guest and not do anything. My relative always hosts because like you she is the only one with space and I always cook the Christmas dinner with her, play with her kids and clean up afterwards. I also do the food shop with her.

What does she say when you say ‘Could you bring the plates/stack the dishwasher/ wash the salad, please?’

Whatever you do, set the expectation now, so they have a year to come to terms with it and make other arrangements

I think you have two choices.

A. Host but divide up the jobs / meals and let everyone know what their responsibility is well in advance

B. Let them know early on that you guys have plans for the next Christmas that don't include them.

Not unreasonable. But hard to get out of.

How does your DH feel?

I think you should talk to him about it immediately, so the whole thing is fresh in your minds and explain why next year you don't want to do it. Don't leave it till the autumn to have the discussion or he might nudge you into doing it again.

It's perfectly reasonable to be honest and explain to your MIL that you find hosting too much work and fear you're missing out on quality time your kids so next year you plan to have a quiet one. Obviously, your DH will handle this conversation since it's his mother!

Could you book a meal out somewhere next time to take the stress of cooking/cleaning up off the table?

@BashfulClam I would have to spend about an hour telling her where everything is and it would defeat the point. I have shown her how to use the microwave perhaps 10 times

@Porkyporkchop I wish, SIL has no room whatsoever to host and also lives ages away and isn't in a position to host right now

@Confused228 you sound like a great guest! We have had them too from time to time.

@HotBath honestly it's like dealing with a helpless old lady but she is not; she leads a really physically active life with lots of friends and hobbies. But when she comes over here to just refuses to learn how to do anything or where anything is

Give her idiot proof jobs. Everyone knows how to prepare vegetables or wash up.

Maybe she doesn’t want to come. Have the conversation. It could be a win for both of you.

@Notmyregularusrname unlikely, she wants to see her grand kids

So … you can’t ask her to do anything as it would take too long to explain, whilst at the same time expecting her to know where everything is and be able to get in with things.

MILs can’t win on MN

Just tell them early on 2025 that you aren't hosting and having a very quiet one/may go abroad.

Definitely not being unreasonable.

It's totally acceptable for you to host perhaps every other year. Your children grow up so quickly and I think it's important to prioritise them and your own family unit at special times too. Hopefully your DP will get onside with you too.

Do MIL and SIL have partners?

@ExtraOnions she knows full well how to make a cup of tea

@TheSpottedZebra nope

OK so say you'll visit them around Christmas next year, and book a hotel. Go just beforehand for a visit, then home for Christmas by yourselves.

Crucially you need DH on board. Is he?

@BIossomtoes - you’ve obviously never encountered someone (my mil) make an idiot proof job like mission impossible.
where are the potatoes?
what knife should I use
how many potatoes should I do
how small should I cut the potatoes
what pan should I use
how much water should I put in the pan
which gas ring should I put the pan on
aargh!!!
I had this every Christmas.

Just give MIL a list of jobs or even ask her to play with the children. Where is FIL ?