To not want to host next year because of MIL’s laziness

[pistachio83]

I am just done with it. We always host because we have space and every other family member has next to none and/or is skint. So we’re the default. And we live a few hours away so people have to stay over. We also have three young kids and two dogs. There is so much that goes into it, I won’t bother listing it all. MIL does not lift a finger the whole time unless specifically asked and SIL is preoccupied with her own small child (single mum). MIL doesn’t even really play with the kids or take them out, just sits on her phone whilst they watch tv and me and partner cook and tidy and bring out drinks. Didn’t even offer to make a cup of tea. My own parents aren’t around anymore so it’s not even possible for us to use this excuse and it’s making me miserable to think my Xmases will focused around hosting DH’s family rather than enjoying precious
Christmas’s with the kids. I barely got any pics of them this year.

@PullTheBricksDown sounds like a plan 👍

@natwalesrug long gone

@Ohthedaffodils not as bad as this but close!

Oh that's tougher.

You're withi your rights to say no more of course, but you could also be honest and say you've had enough and how it makes you feel. And that if they don't change things, you can't do it any more.

Then next year give them a list of easy but annoying jobs - peel veg, hoover x, y, z room...

I'd send a message, hey everyone - maybe time to switch it up a little and perhaps go out for Christmas dinner? Or just meet for a drink on Christmas night ?

Maybe MIL feels intimidated 🤷‍♀️

If only this were true

@thismummydrinksgin I don't really think there's anywhere decent open on Xmas day, and just a drink isn't an option as they live hours away

Sounds like my partner every time he tries to help!!

I really try because it takes A LOT to bring christmas together especially when kids are involved and I don't think it's fair it should be all on one person, I believe everyone should pitch in. I also think it's what I should do to show gratitude for them having me.

It's really sad to see so many women on MN with similar stories. They're giving up all chances of having a nice Christmas, because of expectations that they must do what other people want, every single year.

You've done your bit OP and not even been appreciated. Nobody has been working this hard for you either. Make plans to be on holiday next year, or go to a restaurant, or have Christmas at home with your husband and kids and no guests. You don't owe the rest of them a thing.

The main insult for me would be that she’s not involved with kids. I would rather she looked after kids whereas SIL helped you.
I think you are not unreasonable. However I wouldn’t say anything now but closer to the next Christmas I would say that you’re going to have a quiet one just with kids this year because of “insert any suitable reason” .
And then enthusiastically suggest a meet up somewhere in between- research well in advance to have at least 2 places in mind. If pressed for hosting say that it’s a big job and too much to do every year. Full stop.
Don’t say anything now it will be waste of time and energy. Discuss with DH if needed but not with others , a lot can change in a year - SIL can move to a bigger place, your DH can be offered a new job, your DC can have important music exams, MIL can go travelling…etc etc

I'd be telling DH now that next year you want to actually enjoy Christmas and hence you won't be hosting.

It's your Christmas too and we only get so many while the kids are small.

Put yourselves first, OP.

I don't know where you live, but plenty of restaurants do Christmas lunch, you just have to search for them well in advance and book early.

If you are feeling aggrieved then opt out by saying you have other plans.

However, I personally wouldn't mind if guests didn't help out while staying with us. It isn't always easy to pitch in, in someone else's kitchen.
I think this sort of collaborative approach works better in a self catered environment, rather than a relative's home, unless the people who come to stay are more regular visitors, and not just Xmas ones.

Ohthedaffodils

* - you’ve obviously never encountered someone (my mil) make an idiot proof job like mission impossible.
where are the potatoes?
what knife should I use
how many potatoes should I do
how small should I cut the potatoes
what pan should I use
how much water should I put in the pan
which gas ring should I put the pan on
aargh!!!
I had this every Christmas.*

Im like this because I’m the worlds worst cook but also because most people we go to visit are particular and if I start doing something they take over because I’m not doing it their way so I need to check as I go but then they look like I’m irritating them so I can’t win!!!

Just set the scene (and future expectations) now - “DH is treating us to Xmas in The Canaries next year”.

You say your mil doesn’t help unless specifically asked, then ask her! Don’t suffer in silence, but be more active in getting her involved.

Maybe she doesn’t want to intrude, or be seen as overbearing? Or maybe she belongs to the old school of hosting where the host hosts, and the guests are guests, and yes, that does mean they get waited upon, and are not expected to help out.

Those putting it back on to the op and saying she should delegate, it really isn't that easy when you have a guest who is determined to contribute nothing.

I've had my brother and his wife and kids this year, after 20 odd years hosting my husband's family. By God, it was a revelation. My brother and sil just cracked on with helping, did washing up without fuss or prompting, poured themselves and us hosts drinks etc. Bought and contributed lots. In contrast, my husband's brothers and their wives would expect to be waited on, perhaps bring a single bottle of wine per couple and proceed to drink and eat hundreds of pounds worth. Never wash up, expected waitress service.

Of course we would ask and prompt and delegate, but it was a constant battle and negotiation with them making it clear they didn't want to help, or doing a really pointedly half assed job etc, like the year dh said "you 4 work out between you who will wash and who'll dry the dishes." For them to all bicker between themselves so much and none of then did it.

The op is not the problem. Her mil's disinterest is not her responsibility to fix.

I've had a lovely easy Christmas, and it's made me realise I shouldn't be hosting the in-laws any more.

I completely understand. I have a MIL like that (although mine is also a performance person, interested in facebook updates and telling people about her family, has no idea about them in reality) and I realised it was ruining my Christmases and making me suffer with physical anxiety symptoms. She would bring nothing, complain we dont have a specific food, sit on her phone, never play with kids and talk endlessly about people we dont know. I was wary of mentioning it to my DH as they dont have best relationship and she can be horrible but this year I did in a calm way and with a number of examples from last 4 years. So, she did come (nowhere else to go) but she bought some food and alcohol, made her own hot drinks, and did not stay over. I also was friendly but got on with the day enjoying it and gave myself permission not to have to listen to her moaning about people I dont know.

Just don’t invite them next year. You have your DC for a handful of Christmases - don’t waste them on ungrateful in-laws.

I wish I had your touching faith in humanity 😅

Male partners are definitely not the only group of people who demonstrate weaponised incompetence.

Not really

Quote in full: I would have to spend about an hour telling her where everything is and it would defeat the point. I have shown her how to use the microwave perhaps 10 times

So OP has tried showing her. MIL is not interested.

If I am at someone else's house I will always ask before I presume to do something, I can imagine how sensitive it is with a DIL!