To not want to host next year because of MIL’s laziness

[pistachio83]

I am just done with it. We always host because we have space and every other family member has next to none and/or is skint. So we’re the default. And we live a few hours away so people have to stay over. We also have three young kids and two dogs. There is so much that goes into it, I won’t bother listing it all. MIL does not lift a finger the whole time unless specifically asked and SIL is preoccupied with her own small child (single mum). MIL doesn’t even really play with the kids or take them out, just sits on her phone whilst they watch tv and me and partner cook and tidy and bring out drinks. Didn’t even offer to make a cup of tea. My own parents aren’t around anymore so it’s not even possible for us to use this excuse and it’s making me miserable to think my Xmases will focused around hosting DH’s family rather than enjoying precious
Christmas’s with the kids. I barely got any pics of them this year.

I would tell them all you're going away next Christmas (even if you aren't) and have a quiet one.

my mother has just left after an 8 day stay over Christmas and I say it every year never again.
she sits and does nothing apart from be rude and sniping at my husband and myself.
I feel I cannot say she can’t come as she has alienated my sibling so they are no contact and she has nobody else.
my dad spends Christmas alone as he won’t visit me if she’s here.
she uses emotional blackmail on me until I say she can come. She does NOTHING even if asked. To the point where she wait to be waited on rather than take a cup to the kitchen.
my sibling wants me to go to them next year but can I? Can I tell her she will have to spend Christmas alone? I feel so responsible for her but also dreading it already

Having 2 less adults will hardly make a dent in your workload
but I wouldn’t be waiting on them or entertaining them

also careful what you wish for I’ve had to bar overly helpful MIL from doing anything

Why is it just MIL and SIL you expect to help?

What about the men in the family? To be honest I don’t expect guests to help me host and would not expect to help if I was somebody’s guest.

If you want help, ask, but ask yourself why it’s just the women you expect to help.

But yes - if you are hosting because you are the only one with space, make that clear to the adults and then divvy up a list of tasks. That’s what my mother used to do among me, my siblings, step-dad and her siblings and it worked well.

But she had to use her words. And if those asked employ weaponised incompetence then tell them they will not be invited back.

@JHound the only man in the house is my DH and we share all work equally

Typical day hosting

• get up with kids at 5am, take it turns to shower / care for kids, make breakfast for children
• first wave of presents
• guests get down at 8am ish
• second wave of presents
• make breaks fast for everyone, clear up all the stuff, try to create some semblance of order with all the new toys everywhere
• put baby down for nap
• food prep (we got some help with peeling from guests)
• cooking until early afternoon - combined with tending to guests with drinks, dealing with various requests from guests, taking toddlers to toilet, getting baby up from nap, nappies, cuddling children, playing with them whilst MIL sits on iPad and SIL takes dogs out for walk
• trip to shops to get some urgent items
• setting table
• then clearing up in stages - first stage done by SIL and then DH and I take second and third stages across rest of day as dishwasher runs
• setting up evening food which SIL did
• DH and I share bed time with our three kids, finish around 9pm where I go straight to bed and DH stays up later to have time with family and give baby dream feed

@Namechangedididittoo you defo need to stop having her over, she sounds very unpleasant. Sounds like there's a lot of obligation there but you really don't need to feel such levels of obligation. Doesn't seem like she enjoys Xmas anyway so maybe she should reconsider if she celebrates it at all

Don't think your mil or sil deserves to come again

Why is she so skint and lazy

She could have helped out more

to me, that's normal. especially when the same household host every year.
everyone contributes, financially and with the workload. otherwise it's an unfair burden on the hosts. we've all got our things we provide, things we prepare, and clean up duties.

@suburburban I think possibly ND or losing her marbles or just very self centred or all three. Never been a grafter and doesn't work much.

It’s such a lot of work even when everyone is polite and helpful that I can’t imagine doing it all for people who are ungrateful or unhelpful. And definitely not with young children. YANBU!

Screw that OP, I agree with your approach of saying you want to go out for dinner on Christmas Day next year. Personally I would sod off abroad and not invite MIL. Just book it and “sorry MIL, no space and didn’t think you would want to go, was confused, thought you were going with SIL” would be my response 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'd ask all those questions because they are all perfectly valid

I'd be worried about getting under everyone's feet helping out in an unusual house

I’d put out the potatoes, knife/peeler and pan with the water already in it. If you want help and no questions you make it idiot proof.

If you think guests are idiots for asking better hope they won't find out and decide not to offer

I don’t think they’re idiots. Wrong word choice. I just think it’s easy to preempt the questions that are, as you pointed out, perfectly valid.

@BIossomtoes yep I do the same - put it all out

We do something entirely different with potatoes: we put out several potato peelers, etc, and everyone helps peel them after dinner on Christmas Eve.

I don’t get it you invite a guest to your house then expect them to help and slag them off when they don’t
if you choose to wait on them hand and foot the. That’s upto you personal if family come and want a drink there told to help themselves

reading your list of what you’ve done it wouldn’t change much if MIL was there or not

The jobs you mention are all to do with children apart from good prep which you would doing anyway.

I would message them all in advance and let them know that, from now on, you will be having your own family traditions because hosting everyone in your home has proven to be too much work. I would say you're letting them know well in advance so they can make other plans.

@pistachio83
I really hope you are planning the Christmas you really want this year.
I know you didn't come back to your original post, crossing my fingers for you.

What if they bring stuff?

When our parents were around, we used to host 12 to 14 people. Everyone brought a dish, prepped and ready in cookware so it just had to go in the oven/turn on the hob.

Won't stop the laziness at your house, but might help if you have less to do?

Send a message to both saying, "I've been finding it a bit much the last year or so, so you bring the spouts and carrots and can you do the stuffing and parsnips"

Your poor Dad - how many years since you had Xmas together? Why wouldn’t you want to be with him at least once rather than your awful sounding mother?

The last time I had Christmas with my dad must be 10+ years, and as another Christmas approaches she has started the emotional blackmail about coming to me, she even tried to emotionally convince me to let her come on holiday with my husband and I next month but I stopped that, but I just know I will end up with her again for Christmas