To not want to host next year because of MIL’s laziness

[pistachio83]

I am just done with it. We always host because we have space and every other family member has next to none and/or is skint. So we’re the default. And we live a few hours away so people have to stay over. We also have three young kids and two dogs. There is so much that goes into it, I won’t bother listing it all. MIL does not lift a finger the whole time unless specifically asked and SIL is preoccupied with her own small child (single mum). MIL doesn’t even really play with the kids or take them out, just sits on her phone whilst they watch tv and me and partner cook and tidy and bring out drinks. Didn’t even offer to make a cup of tea. My own parents aren’t around anymore so it’s not even possible for us to use this excuse and it’s making me miserable to think my Xmases will focused around hosting DH’s family rather than enjoying precious
Christmas’s with the kids. I barely got any pics of them this year.

Excellent.

Just be honest. You find hosting Christmas too exhausting so will have a very quiet one 2025.

I'd be telling DH now that next year you want to actually enjoy Christmas and hence you won't be hosting.

This. He can tell them as well.

Pretty sure she knows how to do it all. She just likes not having to do anything anymore and she knows you won't challenge her for fear of upset on Christmas day. We stopped hosting Christmas for everyone because it just got to be so much. It's just the 4 of us now. If anyone wants to visit, fair enough.

As a guest, it’s not hard to say ‘I’d love to help. Is there anything you’d like me to do? Can I make drinks, wash up, take the kids to the playground?’

MIL, 'Oh how lovely, we'll all enjoy that for a change!'.

This. I’ve put my foot down this year and just not invited people, despite expectations. I’ve done years and years of it and had enough. You build resentment each year.

Sometimes you just need to ask. It can feel awkward to do anything in someone else's house. Although she could offer to make a cup of tea

Honestly you don’t all need to spend the day together. Don’t be a martyr to it. Surely your MIL can host your SIL and her child or vice versa? It’s one extra person. You, your husband and children can stay at home. Set out your plans for next year now so there’s no shock. Say you are missing out on spending precious time with your children because you are running round catering all day and you need a change.

You can invite them to stay for Boxing Day or around New Year instead. It’s just a day, you can be together and exchange gifts on any other day than the 25th. If you really can’t bring yourself to not invite them then have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve and have something simpler on Christmas Day - a buffet, festive baguettes, leftovers, whatever you want. If they’re not happy with that they can have their own Christmas at home as they want it.

Go out for a Christmas meal next year. Start being less available.

Book a holiday for just you, DC and DH. Bin then all off! I love xmas away somewhere.

Or just have your own core family and no one else. Maybe you have to travel for another weekend but it'll be worth it.

Are you in contact with them? If there’s a family group chat write that you’re interested to know who is hosting next year. It was a great idea to take turns - your sorted for the foreseeable future lol. It’ll be good to arrange now so you can organise a hotel early.

Agree with pp, any day(s) other than Christmas Day are easier to host as expectations are lower and you can dictate the menu and flow. You would gain Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and why not take Boxing Day too as time to relax. You may then feel more amenable to hosting during Twixmas.

She is a guest in your home, I wouldn't expect her to do anything (unless asked).
How old is she?

It's at the point where you can't enjoy your Christmas so definitely knock it on the head. Let them know round about Oct that you can't host, you find it overwhelming. Perhaps even suggest that if someone else hosts you can look to see if you can stay nearby, honestly a couple of nights in an Airbnb would likely cost you less and be less stressful. Be firm. You could suggest some sort of meet up around Christmas or New Year, but only offer and agree to something you are happy with. Could be that Airbnb option, a pot luck on Boxing Day at MILs place or a visit from DH a week before, you choose what works for you as a family.

I hope for you they will look back and realise what they lost and in other ways treat you better, but they don't seem the type!

Whatever you do, reclaim your right to a lovely Christmas with your family, you've earned it.

MIL does not lift a finger the whole time unless specifically asked and SIL is preoccupied with her own small child (single mum)

Is it just the three of them? They can get together for a meal on Christmas Day. You can suggest meeting up somewhere between them and you before new year, and go for a meal-everyone pays for themselves.

Either visit her before Christmas as suggested or if that’s not accepted by her and your DH then when the family turn up next Christmas you can feign a migraine and toddle off the bed.

Is that not just what hosting guests is about? The hosts host. The guests guest. If you want your guests to chip in you will need to communicate that. Otherwise they're just going to assume that they are there as guests and be waiting on.

@pistachio83 no point people telling you to delegate. you have had enough doing it! you want a break so just tell them you are not hosting next christmas and that you are having your own family christmas. mil and sil can entertain each other.

@pistachio83 to be honest, it would drive me nuts having people to stay more than one night! cant see your hubby wanting to do all the prep ie the house, the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking, the clearing up and the laundry of bedding afterwards which you have to do for all his family.

Can SIL not even manage to have just her mum at hers (or she go to her mum) leaving you and DH free to have a quiet family Christmas or go away somewhere?

I think a lot of MILs etc tend to feel that they’ve done their years of doing it all at Christmas when their dh / dd was little and now they’ve passed the baton on. You just need to cut the apron strings and say you’ve made other plans etc.

It does not have to be special. A local pub will do a xmas meal.

@HollyKnight yes I tend to agree but never once ever have either of them hosted us, not one meal,because they both live in tiny flats and are skint. I am not holding that against them but it just makes alternative options more challenge, even if we took ourselves out the equation they cannot even host each other. We are never ever their guests