To not want to host next year because of MIL’s laziness

[pistachio83]

I am just done with it. We always host because we have space and every other family member has next to none and/or is skint. So we’re the default. And we live a few hours away so people have to stay over. We also have three young kids and two dogs. There is so much that goes into it, I won’t bother listing it all. MIL does not lift a finger the whole time unless specifically asked and SIL is preoccupied with her own small child (single mum). MIL doesn’t even really play with the kids or take them out, just sits on her phone whilst they watch tv and me and partner cook and tidy and bring out drinks. Didn’t even offer to make a cup of tea. My own parents aren’t around anymore so it’s not even possible for us to use this excuse and it’s making me miserable to think my Xmases will focused around hosting DH’s family rather than enjoying precious
Christmas’s with the kids. I barely got any pics of them this year.

@pistachio83 Be firm OP! I used to feel like Christmas was spent trying to please others at the detriment to my own happiness. I broke free 2 years ago. My son is 4 and after spending Christmas at MIL when he was 1, I vowed not to do it again. Time is precious and really I only get 18 guaranteed Christmases before he potentially leaves home so I want to make the most of them. When we stated at MIL, we cooked the dinner (because she can't cook, not even toast). We are overseas (drove 2 days to get there), and did all of the cooking, washed the dishes, whilst MIL got drunk every night and then cried because her exH left her 10 years ago. I felt drained by the time I left. I don't regret having boundaries. She's OK, she goes to her 2 other sons for Christmas and spreads her Christmas cheer there.

@Pigeonqueen I thought this too but no they went round to their grand parents! And they got old enough the kids cooked

@ZekeZeke early 60s

I've been to stay two nights with my daughter and her family. I'm a MIL.
Reading this thread, I'm wondering if next Christmas I'm going to say I've got the flu or something, as it is making me worried about what they think about me.
I always have gone for the big Christmas food shop with my daughter which l always pay for completely. So maybe they feel obliged to host me, this thread has given me doubts, does everyone only just put up with visitors.

Visit them before Christmas & have a quiet one, or go away somewhere.

I hosted this year as usual hosts were away. I was naive! 23 people sitting on their arses doing nothing to help. They didn't help beyond getting their food contribution out & putting it away. I couldn't sit & talk to visiting relatives, just watch everyone else have a lovely relaxing day & catch up while I was working hard. Our house was a bomb site after they all left at about 9pm. I barely spoke to my DC or DH all day.

So, I simply won't do it again. I'll happily just stay home with DH & DC, or go away if necessary!

@CatPhonePot it's this, she isn't helpless or thick, she has lived independently for years and has a fairly vibrant life

they both live in tiny flats and are skint.

Well, that’s really not your problem-they can cut their cloth. They both need to eat meals anyway, it doesn’t have to be an expensive meal. Chicken, some potatoes and veg and ice cream for pudding-they don’t need booze if they are skint. I’m sure they can manage that between them.

@pistachio83 how could you see the conversation going if your DH spoke to them and said hosting Xmas is meaning you’re not enjoying Christmas? Would they try to insist they come to you?

Jesus wept this is my step mother in law. You would have it done yourself by the time you explained. She once wouldn’t dry a knife because it was too sharp. I am not joking🤣🤣

@Frankley oh no! You sound lovely. The fact you are even thinking about makes that clear. And wow paying for the food and helping... I mean I am sure that was hugely hugely appreciated

I think my MIL is possibly the worse case example. She doesn't even properly play with the kids. Just sits with them watching tv or on her phone

Stop it now@pistachio83. I hosted MIL and FIL for a week every Christmas from 1991 until 2007 and when FIL died MIL from 2008 until 2019. Covid changed things but by 2021 she was toonfrail to travel so we did a couple of years hiring a cottage within spit of her and for the last two DH and I have spent Xmas apart because our mothers are equally frail and MIL doesn't cook - DH takes for lunch on Christmas day

Some of her classics over the years, and when she has occasionally been asked to do something it's been because I've been on a piece of elastic with pick ups, drop offs and a full-time job.

"I don't know how to cook rice"

MIL I'm lighting the potatoes, can you deal with them when they come to the boil so they are ready for roasting - cue coming back an hour later and the spuds had sat in the boiling water and had turned to mush. FIL then complained about having mash with the baked ham

"I breastfed all my children, I don't know how to give a bottle."

"Oh thank goodness you're home, FIL has been waiting for a cup of tea since 3pm".

"It's wonderful how practical you are, but then you weren't academic and dropped out of university".

"I didn't unload the dishwasher because I didn't know where to put anything".

Can you set the table please MIL - table set with pastry forks and fish knives.

Can you peel some potatoes MIL. How many should I peel?

"Oh this looks nice, how many potatoes can we have each?" take the number a sensible person would eat, and stop counting food at my table

One year when the DC were about 11 and 8 we took a house in the north. Mainly because I worked so hard the year before I was ill at Christmas. They were asked to bring Christmas cake, a Christmas pudding and some crackers. They brought a cheap slab, a very small pudding and the cheapest crappest crackers I have ever seen and went on and on about it. DH and I were up with the DC at 5.30, I did breakfast, cooked lunch, blue arsed flied until 3.30pm when I went for a lie down. When I came down at 5.30, not one thing had been cleared, not one thing had been washed

This woman, was a deputy headmistress. On many occasions I despaired.

She is very elderly now and I do have fond memories as do the DC but goodness she was a lazy so and so.

😳😂 wow so it’s just laziness really.

Update

I have spoken with DH and also SIL and told them we are not hosting next year and just want to go out to restaurant, the 5 of us. I think suggestion of coming over Boxing Day is good, no pressure to do a big meal. And also spreads out the presents a bit for the kids.

I am hoping somehow this filters down to MIL but will continue to talk to DH about how we address it sensitively. Slight curve ball is it sounds like SIL might be going overseas next year to see a friend.

I like the idea of a holiday but tbh we don't go abroad a lot as kids so young, and adding presents into the mix, well I just don't fancy it at this stage of life. And also MIL would fully expect us to bring her. Not even joking 🙃

A few years ago I started "bare minimum" hosting. So I'd tidy the house, and I'd wash the bedding and buy the food in, but once they arrived I just went about my day as normal- basically I treated them the same as everyone else who lives in my house!

So if I was making a cup of tea then of course I'd offer, but not otherwise. I cooked standard food, and let people put together their own leftovers meals for lunch. I didn't feel any pressure to fill awkward silences, I'd pop out in the car for a couple of hours "to tescos".

Anyway, long story short - they don't stay with us any more 🤣🤣

@DeffoNeedANameChange did you cook a Xmas lunch? I feel things are going this way already

As lovely as it sounds having a female only Christmas (I'm assuming this is the case as no men are ever mentioned in this scenario, just lazy SIL/MIL) it sounds stressful for you so stop doing it.

Bravo for hosting a seperatist Christmas for so long though. I can't believe they fell into hetronormative patterns of behaviour though and assumed that you, the woman of the household, would do it all.

Slight curve ball is it sounds like SIL might be going overseas next year to see a friend.

Presumably she’s not that skint then!

It sounds like it’s MIL you need to be speaking to. If SIL is going away, will your MIL expect to come to you regardless?!

They probably think you owe it to them because you've got money and they don't. And/or they see you as the 'adults' of the family because you've got things sorted. In their unconscious mind adult = parent = should be waiting on me hand and foot and paying for everything.
I have to wonder why you've tolerated it at all 🤷🏻‍♀️
No one would do it to me more than once!

@Frankley no lovely. When my folks and Aunt were alive I absolutely loved having them stay. They’d done so much for us also enjoyed looking after them and letting them have a rest. Don’t not go to your daughter’s because of a thread on MN. Time is precious. OP situation sounds very different.

Why is she so skint though

Be careful with your phrasing that she then doesn't assume that "us" includes her and SIL! She'll have her sun hat packed faster than you can say "taking advantage".

Do you know what 'hosting' means? Exactly that. You invite guests and the sit on their bums whilst you are run off your feet.

Absolutely!

Followed by queations about what she needs to pack.

Lazy witch!!

No, some visitors are great. You sound like a really good Christmas guest.

Actually, if you do the food shop, you're the host, and I hope the others thank you profusely.

Absolutely not! I'm only delighted when my Mum is coming up, any time of the year.

However she insists on bringing me to the supermarket to stock up on 30 rolls of toilet paper and 5 bottles of washing up liquid, she's "happier moving about" so it's an almighty effort to stop her cleaning bits around the house. I have the opposite problem to OP so I can assure you you're very welcome, and importantly, you don't need to make any grand gestures to deserve an invitation.

It's very much appreciated that my Mum wants to help out but I'd so happily watch her do nothing for a change and will always want her there.