To not want to host next year because of MIL’s laziness

[pistachio83]

I am just done with it. We always host because we have space and every other family member has next to none and/or is skint. So we’re the default. And we live a few hours away so people have to stay over. We also have three young kids and two dogs. There is so much that goes into it, I won’t bother listing it all. MIL does not lift a finger the whole time unless specifically asked and SIL is preoccupied with her own small child (single mum). MIL doesn’t even really play with the kids or take them out, just sits on her phone whilst they watch tv and me and partner cook and tidy and bring out drinks. Didn’t even offer to make a cup of tea. My own parents aren’t around anymore so it’s not even possible for us to use this excuse and it’s making me miserable to think my Xmases will focused around hosting DH’s family rather than enjoying precious
Christmas’s with the kids. I barely got any pics of them this year.

I feel for you. I’m in a similar situation and all I’ve thought about this Christmas is how can I get out of this for next Christmas. I have no parents left and my DB has literally moved in for 2 weeks - he lives away, has issues and has brought his dog too. He’s lazy, entitled, opinionated, starts arguments, lies around and sleep all day and does nothing to help. I usually have a number of unmarried relatives here also. I am literally going to have to repaint the downstairs of my house when he goes. I’m so done with it all. All I’ve done is cook, clean, shop and entertain. It’s crap.

@Toots22 your brother sounds truly terrible! It's not fair on you to be the haven for all waifs and strays. I actually think Christmas can be quite toxic in this way, there's so much obligation and expectation to make sure no one is lonely, often at the detriment to others mental health

I have no parents left and my DB has literally moved in for 2 weeks
@Toots22
You are his new parents. If you don't put a stop to this you'll be lumbered forever.

How did that happen?

DB: can I come and stay?
You: no, I am not up for house guests staying but you can come for Christmas dinner.

Tell him to leave!

All these DMs and MiLs who don't help - are their DHs weaponising incompetence as well or do they get a free pass on criticism?

Ditto all the PPs run off your feet at Christmas - are DHs not pulling their own weight and asking their own parents to help?

I grew up with the expectation that men pulled their weight when at home and all of them did. I still remember the shock at a FiL who considered it all "woman's work" and even more at an MiL who pandered to it (despite working full time herself). One thing DH was clear on before we married - I would not be a martyr to housework simply because I posessed the ovaries.

Yes I had the same scenario with my dc so not easy

Your relatives needed to step up especially when you are unwell

Could you have taken yourself off for a lie down and leave them to it

I’m a MIL to a lovely son in law and my DD and they’ve given us two gorgeous GC’s. They hosted us and two others for Xmas this year, the most they’ve ever hosted. We bought the turkey and cheeseboard, someone else bought the xmas eve meat and we all brought wine, beer etc.
We all helped on xmas day, be it laying the table, clearing up after our dinner, setting out the cheeseboard, playing with the kids, getting drinks, if it needed doing, it was done by someone other than my DD, who cooked a lovely dinner and SIL.
I was conscious of over stepping but equally I didn’t expect to sit on my backside all day being waited on.
My own MIL on her last stay with us is another story, so she hasn’t been invited to stay since (a couple of hundred miles and her not driving further than a handful of miles anymore helps).

Do your own thing next year OP, enjoy your dc whilst they’re still young.

My kids are older now and we did a couple of long trips when they were really small to family and then thought hold on a minute if people want to see the kids they come to us and do it on our terms. We never looked back and had all our Christmas’s at home with the children waking up in their own home, making our own traditions and not being stressed about cooking, entertaining, we were just present and honestly thats our gift each Christmas. Good luck OP.

@suburburban i dropped many hints that I felt unwell but it didn't seem to make much of a difference

As soon as I was done with bed time, I went straight to bed, I just didn't have any more energy, in years gone by I would have stayed up and socialised, I miss that aspect of having guests

@C8H10N4O2 yeah good point. I think DH has had enough. He defo does his bit and very hands on dad

Similar situation here, we took some time away from hosting everyone, it worked better for us. What was interesting was SIL refused to host at all and MIL preferred to host her favourite son and not come anywhere.

You cannot keep being the martyr here, sadly there are some lazy, self centred people out there, it sounds like we are related to some of them.

Don't be mean about it, but you need a break from it for your families sake.

I'd be fuming at that situation .. get it in now that next year you are having a quiet Christmas with with hubby and your children or you will just dread it every year.
Say it and mean it they will get over it !!

tell them now you are going abroad next year

then let them make all their own arrangements and don't tell them you're staying home alone until xmas eve and you changed your mind

This has always been my understanding 😮

I didn’t notice her say that hosts were always women 🙄

I completely understand and after another Christmas of trying my best, people pleasing and being the host/cook/jester/bringer of all the damn fucking Christmas spirit and getting nothing but shit in return, I have booked a cottage in the middle of nowhere next Christmas for myself and DSs. Dinner has been booked on boxing day at one pub near there and as soon as bookings open for Christmas dinner, I will book that too. DH has been told he can join us only if he manages to sort out his shitty attitude to the festive season and the in-law that joined us and was a fucking princess the whole time is going to be told to make other arrangements.

Oh and I am not a mug or passive little woman by any means, just someone who wanted to have a nice Christmas, with nice food that I was happy to make. I am happy to do the work if it is appreciated and not just expected.

Totally. That is why I am not a big fan.

I would let it be known that you are not going to host next year. As long as they know ahead of time that you are going to do something special and different next year.

Not unreasonable.

Can I suggest that you plan now (and also start saving too) so that you can bring your kids and your DH away for Christmas next year so that it isn't an option that everyone descends on your place. That way come September time, you can make an announcement that you're not going to be able to host people at Christmas as you'll not be there.
If asked, just say you're going away for the few days and you won't be there.
Don't offer more information.

I'm flabbergasted by the number of posters on this thread who are able to make shitty excuses for accepting hospitality at someone else's house & then not lifting a single finger!!!

It's no wonder there are so many put-upon Mumsnetters with crappy MILs, SILs, and assorted other relatives & hangers on.

Seriously, it costs nothing to ask who'd like a cuppa when you can see the host hasn't sat down for hours! If someone else has slaved over a massive meal, doing the washing up is surely what any decent human being does? Even if you don't know where everything lives afterwards. Unless you're EXPRESSLY told not to by those whose kitchen it is (delicate stuff, tremours, history of dropping family heirlooms?)

But people aren't THAT bad guests that they would go to a relative's house & sit on their arse all day without helping with a single thing...are they? Wouldn't be coming to mine in year 2, that's for sure!!!

I'm in a better position as we didn't have kids at Christmas, and we did ask for help. We do have a fairly large gathering, though.

But god, the micromanaging gets wearing, and we also have a good sprinkling of lazy buggers who are always looking to return speedily to the sofa. I think it can help, if you can bear it, to agree that each adult or pair of adults cooks one main meal, at least. We meant to do that this year, but stupidly forgot. I can also relate to the buggering off to bed early, even if only for a quiet rest.

I've just come back from a week as guest w EU in-law rellies.

I'm Granny & they are Oma & Opa (who have their own complicated rel'ship). Oma is queen of the kitchen scene. Opa is sous-chef. Oma gets twitchy when others are in her (small) kitchen.
I sit on the sofa; I entertain DGC (aka blessed wunderkind); I say 'thank-you' a lot; try to help by tidying-up & clearing away in the living/dining room, at-same-time being careful not to over-tread into sanctum sanctorum (aka kitchen), which is NOT my territory.
I am v aware of how very much work it is for Oma to host house-guests.
I try to be a "good guest" by:- being appreciative & grateful; by attempting to defuse tensions (whilst at the same time appearing not to notice them); by holding up my end of things at the dinner table (in another language which I partially understand but am not really able to speak).

It is hard to know how to manage all of the hosting and being a guest at Christmas.
That people stumble on from year to year, mainly making the best of the experience, is - perhaps - the 'triumph of hope over experience".

But, y'know, having just survived another one, I do really think it's worth having a good go at trying to make it work. If possible.

@RosesAndHellebores your mil was just a bit passive aggressive, with the breastfeeding and academic vs practical comments.

Luckily, you were sufficiently academic to project manage an entire Christmas for the lazy multitudes, whilst juggling a baby. Unlike her.

Only host every other year!