Pregnant after two months - keep it?

[BettyOops89]

I'm in a sticky situation and I don't know what to do.

Just found out that I'm pregnant, on Christmas Day.

I've been in my current relationship just two months, but it's the best connection I've ever had and see long term potential with this man.

I'm 36, have no other children and all I've ever wanted is to become a mum. Before this relationship I had spoken about going it alone because I didn't think I'd find anyone.

I've told him but he said the timing is all wrong. He's just finishing his Masters (mature student) and I'm in a secure job but don't earn tons. He's also from abroad on a student visa so pressure is on to find a proper job in the New Year so he can stay.

I think I would have help from family if the worst happened but I also don't want to lose this special relationship if he really doesn't want the baby right now.

What would you do?

We were married, had house,
Husband left,
It’s really hard bringing up a child solo.
People think ‘baby” but a baby is there for a twinkling of an eye- Children and teens are far more demanding.
And can be quite questioning of parents choices.

Regardless of whether he wants to be with you/baby after he finishes his masters is very very much dependent on visas as it is very hard to get a settled status in the UK opposite to what many think. It is not free for all.

choice 1: Legally he can’t stay here after his masters unless he’s in a sought after job like healthcare where he can switch visas whilst on uk soil. Foreign nationals have to apply from abroad to get work/settlement visa in the uk.

Choice 2: going back and applying from home country. Chances of getting an employer to sponsor him as an employee is very hard.

Choice3: The other way of getting back to the uk is on a fiancé or married visa.

You want to keep the baby. Everything else is just noise and it will all fade when you have your baby in your arms.

Firstly, I'd be concerned (as pp have said) that your boyfriend isn't telling you that whole truth.

How long has he been in the UK? How frequently does he get back to Nigeria to see his son? What was he intending to do post graduation? Stay or return? How easy would it be for him to get a visa?

Secondly, you cannot rely on a very short term relationship becoming something significant, so I'd be considering what the real likelihood is of you two making a go of it, and still being together in 10 years. It's still very very early days,

Thirdly, it is your decision to continue with this pregnancy or not. If you do, then work on the basis you are likely to be raising your child solo. If you decide not to continue, then for goodness sake think about contraception.

Having a termination is not an easy decision to make, as when it comes to it, it is heartbreaking and might impact you more than you think. I am pro-choice so fully support any woman 100% to make the decision she needs to, but it is one of the hardest things I ever did.

You are 36 and you want a baby this is an absolute no brainer if you don't have this baby you may never have another chance.

At 36 and in a new relationship it COULD be the OP’s last chance. I would say it’s equally as helpfully as the whole “it’s just a bunch of cells” comments.

The OP has already stated she was considering doing it alone anyway so unless she’s a complete idiot then that would suggest that the child would not be in danger of growing up in poverty. Then again, this is mumsnet - a place where you can have multiple children at private school and a six figure salary and still argue that you’re not rich so I’m not sure how some posters would define poverty.

You want the baby. You were prepared to go it alone.

Look, chances are you won't get your happily ever after with him. Like you said, he has visa issues and a son back in his home country to consider. That won't change when you've been in a relationship longer.

Establishing a career takes years, visa issues can take years, he will still have a child in another country. You won't be in a position to start a family with this man for years - by which time it may well be too late.

You need to choose between your dream of being a mum and wanting a 'higher chance' of this relationship continuing. I wouldn't be giving up on being a mum for a man I've known 2 months at 36.

There's absolutely nothing stopping him starting his career as planned. He can do that and have a child as many people do, so that excuse is bollox in my opinion! I wouldn't abort OP. If you've this much doubt in your mind about it, it's not the right decision for you

You've known you want to be a mum forever.

You've known him for two months.

The latter is no time, and there's probably still an awful lot you don't know about him.

I'm your age and I wouldn't necessarily expect a second chance at conceiving. If you really want to be a mum, keep it. Don't expect to rely on him, though.

Marriage doesn’t equal stability but at least the child will have been conceived in a loving, committed relationship. Of course marriages break down but the statistics of a broken relationship after conceiving a baby within a few weeks of meeting must be much higher. I’m sure there are statistics available . I do not understand women and men who put/ find themselves in these stupid ( and they are beyond stupid ) situations. This is a little baby being discussed. One who may have to grow up never knowing his /her father. In no situation is this remotely ideal.

Also consider that he might stay in the UK and be an active and involved Father but not in a relationship with you meaning there will be periods of time away from your child which will get longer as the child gets older. He may wish to take this child back to Nigeria at some point to meet their half sibling and his family.

You may not be on the same page re how to parent (read a million threads on here about it) and as you might not be together he can decide how to parent his way at his house.

If you were my friend I would be telling you to think long and hard about tying yourself to a man you barely know for the rest of this child's life. It doesn't stop when the child is 18. There are all the future events that bring parents together for their child too. Again read a million threads on here about issues with a man with PR and who is an arsehole. You have known this man 2 months, you have no idea if he is an arsehole or not yet.

Don't make any decisions based on the survival of this relationship because two months isn't even a relationship. Take his presence out of it. If you are fine with raising a child - physically, practically, and financially - on your own then go for it.

Who the father of your child is has to be a consideration.

Going it alone through sperm donor ivf would be better than a man who casually says not great timing, get rid.

Forget about the man.
He doesn’t really exist in this situation because it’s likely he won’t be involved.

If he went home tomorrow and never spoke to you again, how would you feel?

Would you still want the baby as a single parent?

You will have to explain to family, friends, co-workers, school teachers etc that the dad isn’t involved.

Not only that, but you will have to explain to the child why their dad isn’t involved, why they’ve never met any of their extended family and why you don’t know anything about their dad or extended family.

It absolutely can be done.
But the child does suffer.

Your child will be at a disadvantage financially with less money, physically with no input from dad or the wider family, emotionally from feeling unwanted and culturally because they’ll be mixed race with half their family from a different country but no ties to it.

So forget about the man.
Think about what you want as a single person/parent.
Then think about what’s best for the child.

I would just offer caution on that. I got accidentally pregnant at a really bad time and I took it as a real sign that I'd be able to conceive easily again when we were ready. Bottom line it took several years and ivf to conceive again and we only started trying 9 months after the first accidental pregnancy.

“This is a little baby we are talking about” - yeah, one they you are saying you would abort.

My dad has not played an active role in my life, I haven’t seen him for years and he obviously isn’t bothered about having a relationship with me. It would be a lie to say that this hasn’t bothered me and there havent been times in my life where it’s made me upset BUT I have a mother who loves me dearly and I had a lovely childhood. I sure as hell am glad my mom didn’t get rid of me on the basis that poor little baby me needed her to be married to a nice man who would stick around. The OP clearly knows this is not “ideal” but that’s life.

You have known this man 2 months, you have no idea if he is an arsehole or not yet.

The first half of this comment is true.

The second half is not true.

He is clearly an arsehole -

he's made OP pregnant when HE doesn't want a child , he has no job, his future in the UK uncertain as he's from Nigeria and is a student, and has another child- 5 year old- in Nigeria, from a fling.

I wouldn’t keep it. Much too soon. But, it has to be your decision. 🌺

Keep it. It might be your last chance to have a baby.

Please don’t count that falling quickly once means that the same will happen again. It rarely does

I’d put the relationship to one side and figure out if you are willing and able to be a single mum. If you do, then keep the baby. If the relationship works too then great, but I wouldn’t factor in a two month relationship when making this decision. Also the relationship may not survive an abortion you feel on some level you were persuaded into in the hope of keeping him.

This may sound a bit ‘cold’ but going it alone is financially challenging. Having a baby with a legal father will likely offer financial support even if you are not together or you don’t get practical support or involvement.

If you do have the baby, do your best that the father never takes the child to Nigeria, just in case.

Nigeria is not a signatory to the Hague Convention.

Have you been tested for STIs? Both before you started having unprotected sex and since finding out you're pregnant? 😬

You could abort and he could finish with you one week later.

Things happen for a reason.

I wouldn't keep it as although you were both responsible, I do feel the father shouldn't be forced to bring a child into the world he doesn't want.. not fair on either of them.