Pregnant after two months - keep it?

[BettyOops89]

I'm in a sticky situation and I don't know what to do.

Just found out that I'm pregnant, on Christmas Day.

I've been in my current relationship just two months, but it's the best connection I've ever had and see long term potential with this man.

I'm 36, have no other children and all I've ever wanted is to become a mum. Before this relationship I had spoken about going it alone because I didn't think I'd find anyone.

I've told him but he said the timing is all wrong. He's just finishing his Masters (mature student) and I'm in a secure job but don't earn tons. He's also from abroad on a student visa so pressure is on to find a proper job in the New Year so he can stay.

I think I would have help from family if the worst happened but I also don't want to lose this special relationship if he really doesn't want the baby right now.

What would you do?

Yeah, it doesn't work like that. Men and women who don't want children can, and frequently do, practice unsafe sex.

I'd keep it , there's no such thing as good timing if he doesn't want to be involved you would be better finding out now and having lower expectations of him . I'm also pro choice .

At 36 I would keep it. If I was 26 I would abort.

If you want the baby keep it
However
I agree with your partner it’s very early days in your relationship and if he hasn’t already declared he wanted a child with you and a long term relationship then maybe he doesn’t.

As you were thinking about having a child on your own anyway then for you there’s no difference, except your partner might move on.

Odds are the relationship won't last anyway, most don't and you have the issue of cultural differences and him not having a network over here (presumably) which would make it even more likely to fail. So I'd forget about that, if it works out great, but don't base the decision on it. You could be throwing away your only chance to have a baby for a relationship that ends anyway.

You didn't exactly handle contraception sensibly so this can't be a huge shock, but you've got time to consider your options. In your shoes I'd have the baby but plan to be doing it on my own. Of course it's true that you could have children later, I had none at 35 and then had three by the time I was 49, but this pregnancy exists now so you need to decide based on that.

You have to accept if you keep the baby you are 100% doing it alone. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that but you need to go into it with this understanding that from the get-go.

Also I am trying hard not to judge but I’m pretty taken aback that you could be so casual
about contraception so early in a relationship. Condoms are a perfectly legitimate option if you don’t want to be on hormonal birth control. I’m surprised neither of you took it seriously that pregnancy was a highly likely outcome to using no contraception beyond tracking.

Speaking bluntly, if you really want to be a mother and were prepared to do it alone anyway then given your age I would continue with the pregnancy. BUT I wpuld be giving baby my surname and keeping dad off the birth certificate for reasons already given by pp.

I think this is your risk here.

There are a few outcomes:

• You keep the baby and it breaks you up
• You keep the baby and you stay together
• You don't keep the baby and you break up for other reasons
• You don't keep the baby and you stay together but never have a baby
• You don't keep the baby and you stay together and have baby in future

In all honesty, the last option is probably the least likely of them all given your age and his visa status. If you were likely to stay together forever, then keeping this baby probably wouldn't change that.

And I presume your best case scenario is to keep the baby and stay together. You'll be ruling that out entirely if you don't keep the baby.

So you need to ask yourself, would you be happier if you broke up but had the baby, or broke up and you had neither him nor the baby?

And I think you know the answer already.

Keep it
Even people who think they are in stable relationships end up in divorce and single parents . Nothing is promised. Who knows what the future holds
Enjoy this blessing, it will be ok

I would keep the baby but would plan to raise it alone.

I would also think very carefully about whether to involve this man at all. You barely know him, he doesn't have rights to live here and he comes with baggage. It's probably all sorts of unethical and dishonest but I'd consider telling him I'd had a termination or a miscarriage.

You have been exceptionally silly having unprotected sex with a near stranger.

I couldn't have much respect for a man willing to live in another continent to his young child and isn't someone I could love or trust.

For me it’s a bit of a red flag that you feel such a connection so soon. It suggests that he might just be telling you what you want to hear.
I second the previous poster who said he’s probably married.
Regardless of the above I think you should have this baby. It will be loved and well cared for and you may not have another chance.

Nobody can tell you what to do OP, but whatever you decide I wish you well.

@BettyOops89

You've always wanted to be a mum and now you're going to be a mum. As long as you have the financial means to afford the child, why wouldn't you have the baby? IMHO never choose a man over a child, if a child is what you really want. This baby IS, any future babies MAY BE. At 36, is that a chance you want to take?

BUT, I think you need to do it with the full knowledge that chances are you'll be doing it completely on your own. This man has said he's not happy with this. He already has a child from a short term relationship and the relationship didn't last. He's also left that child behind and moved to another country so he's not much 'practical help', is he? Just be prepared for the same to happen to you. You've also said you don't think your mum will be 'best pleased' so you can't truly count on her, either.

So, go ahead as long as you can afford it. Just be sure that all your future plans to NOT include this man. Don't think 'Oh we'll do 50/50' or 'He can do the school run' or 'We'll split daycare costs' because that probably won't happen. Same for your mum. She may be thrilled and be all you could wish for. Or she may be 'pleased' but not offer much in the way of concrete help.

Think carefully, and the best of luck to you whatever you decide.

What a load of fearmongering over the OP's age. She's 36 not 46. She's got time to build herself a proper relationship before bringing a child into the world. I wouldn't keep it because I value being financially secure and in a stable, long term relationship. YMMV

He doesn't sound great TBH OP, impregnating women willy nilly.
I still think have the baby but accept that more likely than not you'll be doing it alone.

Wow - you’ve known some guy for two months and you’ve decided he’s the one? You haven’t had a chance to know him at all! It’s called the honeymoon period for a very good reason.

The potential end of the relationship shouldn’t really factor in to your decision since it is so new, it is doomed now anyway, you will resent him if you have a termination, or alternatively for not being supportive of you keeping the baby (he sounds like an idiot anyway, fathering kids all over the place).

This could well be your last chance to have a child, if you’re prepared to do that alone, and you have the finances and support in place, then go for it.

But get an STI test straight away - the rates of infection for several diseases in Nigeria are way higher than the UK and many can be life threatening for a foetus (and for you).

What’s worse than no father (ie going turkey solo) A rubbish abusive father with who you have ongoing strife for decades.

my biggest concern is whether this man is a good choice to have a child you can’t possibly know him well in two months, particularly given you’ve not seen him for a while. I’m sure you’ve read the threads on here. You’ve known him two months. My best friend had an accidental pregnancy with he ex who turned very abusive she’d known him 18 months or so and didn’t see it coming. Their child gives him ongoing way of trying to cause her issues.

it sounds like the relationship is doomed either way so I’d forget about that and focus very carefully on whether this man is decenT.

given your desire to have children though I’d keep it. but solo parenting is super hard. X

Yikes. I’d be prepared to do this entirely alone. Which is probably for the best really.

Do stop the scaremongering over OP being 36.
You're all talking as if she's ancient.

The chances of conceiving at 36 are almost 75% within 12 months of 'trying'. Up to age 39 the chances are still 67% within 12 months.

The fact that the OP became pregnant so easily this time- within one cycle it would seem - shows she's able to conceive easily.

I kept the baby.
37, body clock ticking.

He decided the timing wouldn’t work for him, but as a previous poster said…. don’t abort the baby to keep the man.

Solo parent from day one.
Best decision I ever made.

My parents were blown away with joy, having never contemplated becoming grandparents at all.

She’s 11 now and thriving. Money is tight, as we get literally nothing from her father, but our relationship is tighter.

To be frank, I’m pretty relieved that I don’t have to share and am not forced to run things by someone else. We are our own little world.

Keep the baby.

Heartfelt congratulations.

So he already has a 5 year old through a 'fling' and now he has another baby on the way.

He's a star, isn't he?

What kind of man would have sex with a woman 'tracking her cycles' and not use a condom?

Only an idiot and one who will likely walk away.

After 2 months this was still a fling.

OP his history tells you all you need to know.

All babies are a blessing. Congratulations.

100% keep your baby.
Be absolutely prepared you will need to go it alone though

Keeping the baby - it’s your choice. It’s your body.
his visa situation is tricky. It’s not that easy to switch to a normal visa.
i married my husband because he needed a visa. Life has not been easy.

The fact that it happened so quickly (when I thought I might struggle, for various reasons) is a pro in the abort column for me, I think.

Anything could happen I know - friends and family have all suffered miscarriages, but the fact it happened so quickly means it could happen again when we're more secure and I know him better.

I just don't know if I'll get that chance if I do abort.