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Original poster

Pregnant after two months - keep it?

237 replies

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:01

I'm in a sticky situation and I don't know what to do.

Just found out that I'm pregnant, on Christmas Day.

I've been in my current relationship just two months, but it's the best connection I've ever had and see long term potential with this man.

I'm 36, have no other children and all I've ever wanted is to become a mum. Before this relationship I had spoken about going it alone because I didn't think I'd find anyone.

I've told him but he said the timing is all wrong. He's just finishing his Masters (mature student) and I'm in a secure job but don't earn tons. He's also from abroad on a student visa so pressure is on to find a proper job in the New Year so he can stay.

I think I would have help from family if the worst happened but I also don't want to lose this special relationship if he really doesn't want the baby right now.

What would you do?

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 27/12/2024 13:24

Ask yourself how you would feel if you aborted the baby and the man left when his visa ran out, or decided this relationship just wasn’t what he wanted?

Decide what you want re the baby, not the man, because he will make his own decisions and they may or may not align with yours.

The baby is within your control, he is not. Follow your heart on what outcome you’ll be happiest with and he can do the same

Wonderi · 27/12/2024 13:24

You either keep the baby or keep the man.
It’s very unlikely you can have both.

If you are so desperate for a baby, then I would keep it.

You do not know this man at all and have no idea whether it’s a potential long term thing or not, because you literally don’t know anything about him and likely haven’t seen his true self yet.

Chances are, even without getting pregnant, the relationship wouldn’t last and so definitely don’t base keeping the baby on keeping this relationship.

Deebee90 · 27/12/2024 13:25

You want a baby. Do not abort a baby for a man that could run away at any time. I’m mid 30s too and I would keep a baby now. This could be your one and only chance for one.

Bigcat25 · 27/12/2024 13:26

Is the timing as bad as he says? You said he's finishing his masters, will he be done when the baby comes? Then you'll be on mat leave so that's almost two years where you could do the majority of the work. Lots of time to get settled.

BetsyBrowny · 27/12/2024 13:28

Caerulea · 27/12/2024 13:24

Don't often see such obvious solutions to these posts - keep the baby OP! You were going to do it alone anyway, prior to meeting this guy, so really you're just saving yourself the expense of that process.

Imo - the man's input on these situations should be 'I'll support you, whatever you choose' cos ultimately he's able to just fuckittybye at any point with ZERO impact on his life, not so much as a sleepless night. On that basis I'm wondering if he's as great as you think 🤷🏼‍♀️

Fwiw - I'm pro-choice so not coming from that angle at all (& there will be ppl come at you all doe eyed saying to keep it just cos they are anti-abortion fucknuggets). Just seems so clear what you should do in this situation for you.

Are you really suggesting this is a cheaper option than a sperm donor? And therefore a 'winner'?😕

Caerulea · 27/12/2024 13:29

@BetsyBrowny I was being tongue-in-cheek. Was that your only take-away from my post?

BetsyBrowny · 27/12/2024 13:30

Deebee90 · 27/12/2024 13:25

You want a baby. Do not abort a baby for a man that could run away at any time. I’m mid 30s too and I would keep a baby now. This could be your one and only chance for one.

It's not true that at 35 women are infertile etc.
I know plenty of women who conceived in their late 30s for the first time and had 2 children.

Fern95 · 27/12/2024 13:30

Keep the baby if you both feel like your relationship is strong and your in it for the long haul. I had a termination after being in a relationship for 6 months. Me and and my partner both regret our decision. We have two beautiful children now 7 years later, but it does really haunt me a lot and we never talk about it.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/12/2024 13:30

Even if it is a special relationship, it's been two months and you're already on different pages about kids. If you want a baby and don't keep this one for him, if you then don't end up being able to have another one "at the right time" you'll resent him and it will no longer be a special relationship.

You need to think about what you want for your life, and if being a single mother is better than not being a mum to keep a man around.

Original poster
BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:32

Thanks for all the advice - I think I know in my heart that I want to keep the baby, but I will always feel regret if this breaks us up because I really do see a future with him.

I haven't been able to see him in person since before I found out (telephone only) as he's been working a lot, but I do think he was being serious about his worries over timing. We have spoken about babies and marriage already, but he wanted to start a career here first which is understandable.

He's also got a five year old DS in his home country (not EU - not under Schengen) so has him to think of too.

I've come to the forum as I'm terrified of what my family's reaction will be - my DM knew I was thinking of going solo but I think will be disappointed this has happened so fast and not in the best circumstances. She has always been supportive though generally and we are super close. I will probably get judged and looked down upon by everyone else.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 27/12/2024 13:33

You're 36, really want the baby and was considering lone parenting... Have the baby!
He may come round, he may not but I wouldn't abort my baby to keep him.

oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 13:34

Was this an ''accident'' on purpose because of tick ticking biological clock?

The overseas student may want to marry as it might get him a visa or right to remain

But look hard into the legalities, as if he decides to go back to his home country, he might be allowed to take the child with him.

fromthevault · 27/12/2024 13:35

Where's he from, OP?

ttcat37 · 27/12/2024 13:36

If I was without kids, desperate to be a mum, and 36, considering going it alone anyway, I would continue with the pregnancy. You can hope that the relationship continues, but long term, how many relationships actually work out? Not many. But what are the chances that no matter what happens, if you have this baby, you’ll love it like nothing before? That’s a 100% chance.
(and you save yourself the cost and pain of doing it via a donor)
I think you have to be fully accepting that the relationship may well end and you won’t see your boyfriend for dust.

HornyHornersPinger · 27/12/2024 13:37

Please remember you will have to deal with this man for the rest of your life and you do not really know him after 2 months

EatingPeanutButterWithASpoon · 27/12/2024 13:37

I'm pro choice. If I was 36, child less, wanted children, and was pregnant I'd be keeping it. As it is I had two babies in my late 30s so I was lucky. Good luck.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 27/12/2024 13:37

Keep the baby if you want, but don’t bank on the man sticking around. I would say plan to raise the baby alone and if the man sticks around it’s a bonus. Sorry to be blunt.

oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 13:38

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:32

Thanks for all the advice - I think I know in my heart that I want to keep the baby, but I will always feel regret if this breaks us up because I really do see a future with him.

I haven't been able to see him in person since before I found out (telephone only) as he's been working a lot, but I do think he was being serious about his worries over timing. We have spoken about babies and marriage already, but he wanted to start a career here first which is understandable.

He's also got a five year old DS in his home country (not EU - not under Schengen) so has him to think of too.

I've come to the forum as I'm terrified of what my family's reaction will be - my DM knew I was thinking of going solo but I think will be disappointed this has happened so fast and not in the best circumstances. She has always been supportive though generally and we are super close. I will probably get judged and looked down upon by everyone else.

If he's got a child already, he's almost certainly married.
Rushing in like this is very unwise.
Would have been better to have used a sperm donor , rather than got pregnant so desperately soon after meeting this man.

You can't possibly know what he's like after eight or so weeks!

QOD · 27/12/2024 13:38

where he is from is incredibly important.
YOu say he wants a visa, well baby is a door to one i would think?
how does he pay for his studies?

MissDoubleU · 27/12/2024 13:39

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:32

Thanks for all the advice - I think I know in my heart that I want to keep the baby, but I will always feel regret if this breaks us up because I really do see a future with him.

I haven't been able to see him in person since before I found out (telephone only) as he's been working a lot, but I do think he was being serious about his worries over timing. We have spoken about babies and marriage already, but he wanted to start a career here first which is understandable.

He's also got a five year old DS in his home country (not EU - not under Schengen) so has him to think of too.

I've come to the forum as I'm terrified of what my family's reaction will be - my DM knew I was thinking of going solo but I think will be disappointed this has happened so fast and not in the best circumstances. She has always been supportive though generally and we are super close. I will probably get judged and looked down upon by everyone else.

I don’t think you having the baby or not will be the make or break of the relationship. If he has a DC already, currently in a different country, I would be actively encouraging him to go back and parent said child. Not abandon them completely to start a new life with you.

It’s been 2 months. As big and heart filled as your eyes may be, this isn’t the one. I think setting those ambitions aside and focusing on your pregnancy is the way forward. Fuck anyone’s judgements, you’re already pregnant now. It’s happened. They can think what they like. People will likely judge for your choice to keep or terminate, it’s not their business and there’s no changing that whatsoever done is done. Do as you wish and keep the baby.

How would you feel if I offered my congratulations?

Original poster
BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:40

He's Nigerian.

We weren't using any contraception, just tracking cycles which I've been doing for years as I didn't want to deal with the side effects that made my cycles horrendous in my 20s.

So I guess I've been doing it wrong all along.

I feel both incredibly stupid but also I've got what I wanted for so long - to be pregnant. My head is a mess.

OP posts:
ceallachmint · 27/12/2024 13:41

Keep the baby, u will be fine no matter what x

Roselilly36 · 27/12/2024 13:42

I would keep the baby, but accept the reality that you will more than likely be raising the child without the father’s help. I don’t agree in these circumstances that you will be permanently tied to him, as it’s likely he will return to his home country. Do what’s right for you OP, don’t be influenced into making a decision to please someone else. Good luck.

Original poster
BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:43

QOD · 27/12/2024 13:38

where he is from is incredibly important.
YOu say he wants a visa, well baby is a door to one i would think?
how does he pay for his studies?

He works 6 days a week to pay these himself - no loans or help as an international student. His money/timing worries are valid of course.

OP posts:
Tandora · 27/12/2024 13:44

He’s probably married in Nigeria .

OP this man is not the one.

But keep the baby if you want it.