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Original poster

Pregnant after two months - keep it?

237 replies

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:01

I'm in a sticky situation and I don't know what to do.

Just found out that I'm pregnant, on Christmas Day.

I've been in my current relationship just two months, but it's the best connection I've ever had and see long term potential with this man.

I'm 36, have no other children and all I've ever wanted is to become a mum. Before this relationship I had spoken about going it alone because I didn't think I'd find anyone.

I've told him but he said the timing is all wrong. He's just finishing his Masters (mature student) and I'm in a secure job but don't earn tons. He's also from abroad on a student visa so pressure is on to find a proper job in the New Year so he can stay.

I think I would have help from family if the worst happened but I also don't want to lose this special relationship if he really doesn't want the baby right now.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 27/12/2024 14:16

Keep your baby!
Sadly, I expect the relationship is doomed either way. There is no scenario where you terminate the pregnancy and the relationship survives, it will just be too loaded.

I hope you can enjoy the positive that the relationship has brought you and enjoy your l9ng awaited baby.

ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2024 14:16

Bananalanacake · 27/12/2024 14:14

This man was obviously happy to have another baby, if he wasn't he'd have used condoms.

Or this man knows he can basically fuck off home and there’s nothing the op can do about it.

CoffeeLover90 · 27/12/2024 14:17

You've not given any reason to abort other than his worries. You say in your heart you want to keep it. So keep it.
But be prepared to do it alone. Family and friends will promise to help but in my experience, even they aren't reliable. I was with my sons father for 14 years when he was born. Still left holding the baby. I wouldn't change a thing now but 3am with a screaming newborn is a very lonely place to be. Equally 3pm with the baby guzzling his milk, heart lifting.
Gather a support network now, join a nct group in your area, arrange someone to stay with you the first couple of days after birth and I wish you the best of luck and a healthy pregnancy.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2024 14:18

You are 36 and all you have ever wanted is to be a Mum.

Congratulations !

You will manage and you will be fine.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 27/12/2024 14:18

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 14:15

He isn't married. His DS's mum was a casual thing and that pregnancy wasn't planned either, although he maintains a good relationship with both and goes to see DS as often as he can.

Maybe it's all a big lie. I just know I haven't a connection like this ever, and I do want a child. I will probably have to make a choice at some point and I think if he does put me in that position I would choose to go solo. As if it comes to that I would probably end up with neither eventually.

Well he's on a student visa, so perhaps he'll keep that lovely connection until he secures a permanent visa...

Did you both have STI checks before having unprotected sex? If not, have one IMMEDIATELY.

fromthevault · 27/12/2024 14:18

His DS's mum was a casual thing and that pregnancy wasn't planned either

Sorry to be cynical OP but why do you think that your identical situation is different?

Have the baby by all means but you probably need to give your head a wobble about this man's longer-term intentions towards you. You barely know him.

cocog · 27/12/2024 14:19

Definitely don’t terminate a child you have wanted enough to do it alone. Don’t marry him yet, don’t put him on child's birth certificate save like crazy and book a nursery place at a nice nursery as the waiting lists can be crazy. Baby to be born in Britain don’t go abroad at the moment. You may like partner but you can’t know him truly yet! Be up front you would like to continue with relationship it’s on him. Look into custody rights from the county he is from and personally would be uncomfortable with him taking child home alone depending on what country he’s from so research this properly. And hope he’s going to want to be involved but the fact he’s left another child and gone abroad may even mean he’s married or in a relationship at home. Good luck!

ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2024 14:20

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 14:15

He isn't married. His DS's mum was a casual thing and that pregnancy wasn't planned either, although he maintains a good relationship with both and goes to see DS as often as he can.

Maybe it's all a big lie. I just know I haven't a connection like this ever, and I do want a child. I will probably have to make a choice at some point and I think if he does put me in that position I would choose to go solo. As if it comes to that I would probably end up with neither eventually.

You don’t know that he isn’t married. You only have his word for it.

Hollyandgrinch · 27/12/2024 14:22

I mean this kindly but how can the timing be wrong if you're 36??! Congrats!!

Plastictrees · 27/12/2024 14:22

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 14:15

He isn't married. His DS's mum was a casual thing and that pregnancy wasn't planned either, although he maintains a good relationship with both and goes to see DS as often as he can.

Maybe it's all a big lie. I just know I haven't a connection like this ever, and I do want a child. I will probably have to make a choice at some point and I think if he does put me in that position I would choose to go solo. As if it comes to that I would probably end up with neither eventually.

I think you would regret choosing this man over a baby.

Theres a lot of red flags here and potential love bombing, ‘I haven’t had a connection like this ever’ is textbook. Be careful OP.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 27/12/2024 14:22

I'm going to go against the grain and say I wouldn't keep it. You'll likely end up as a single mum and having been a single mum from day 1 myself, it's so so hard, I feel like having a breakdown most days as my toddler is very high energy shall we say. I love my child so so much but knowing what I know now, I don't know if I'd do it single. This is just me though, you need to make your own mind up. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Tandora · 27/12/2024 14:22

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 14:15

He isn't married. His DS's mum was a casual thing and that pregnancy wasn't planned either, although he maintains a good relationship with both and goes to see DS as often as he can.

Maybe it's all a big lie. I just know I haven't a connection like this ever, and I do want a child. I will probably have to make a choice at some point and I think if he does put me in that position I would choose to go solo. As if it comes to that I would probably end up with neither eventually.

OP to be blunt I think you have been very naive.

But now is the time to wise up. On this set of facts, if I were you I would keep the baby and ditch the man.

Don’t go into this thinking you will have both; equally if you sacrifice the baby for the man you are absolutely right that the most likely outcome is you end up with neither.

Think it all through in terms of how you will manage on your own, and / or with ties to a man you don’t fully know/ can’t fully trust, and go from there. If you still want the baby, keep it.

MissDoubleU · 27/12/2024 14:23

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 14:15

He isn't married. His DS's mum was a casual thing and that pregnancy wasn't planned either, although he maintains a good relationship with both and goes to see DS as often as he can.

Maybe it's all a big lie. I just know I haven't a connection like this ever, and I do want a child. I will probably have to make a choice at some point and I think if he does put me in that position I would choose to go solo. As if it comes to that I would probably end up with neither eventually.

So… he didn’t learn the first time about not using contraception? Yikes.

I would be very careful OP as realistically you don’t know, and have no way of knowing, that what he’s told you is remotely true. There’s a lot of discourse on the culture of Nigerian men and what it’s like to date them. It might be worth doing some active research, paying close attention to the wise words of Nigerian sisters.

I accept you’ve fallen hard in a matter of minutes but he will continue to travel back to his DC and ex to spend lengths of time there without you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2024 14:23

VanCleefArpels · 27/12/2024 13:18

If you do have the child do not name the father on the birth certificate and apply for a passport asap - given he is not a British National you need to protect yourself against any future issues

This is good advice. If you decide to keep the baby, he can always be added at a later date.

As for whether I would keep the baby in your shoes. Yes, I would. This is what you’ve wanted for a long time. I imagine if you abort when it sounds as if you want the baby, the relationship will be over. So I wouldn’t abort to save the relationship. He will either come around or mot.

Branconche · 27/12/2024 14:24

I think you should continue with the pregnancy. You should also give the baby your surname, not his.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 27/12/2024 14:26

Gently - this supposed connection after 2 months CANNOT be relied upon

Have the baby, solo.....the relationship is unlikely to last with or without baby especially as your 'connection' has form already

MumblesParty · 27/12/2024 14:27

How would you feel if you miscarried today? Sad or relieved? That thought might help you decide what to do.

If you do keep the baby, as someone else said, don’t put him on the birth certificate. If you split up he may want to take your child back to Nigeria, which could cause all sorts of worry for you.

ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2024 14:28

I wouldn’t have a baby in a casual relationship. I think a baby deserves both parents to really want them. Obviously some relationships break down and that’s different but to have a baby in such a short lived fling would be a big no from me. You’re also putting obstacles in the way to meet a man who you will want to grow old with and who will want to grow old with you. You’re 36 , baby at 37. If you only want a baby and not a loving long term relationship then crack on. It’s going to be more difficult to find love with another man’s baby in tow.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 27/12/2024 14:28

Please get an STI check immediately. If you are going to be a single mother, you need to become a LOT more responsible than you have been: I'd be judging an 18 year old who has been having unprotected sex with someone they've known a few weeks; a 36 year old has NO excuse.

Patienceinshortsupply · 27/12/2024 14:30

I would bear in mind that 8 weeks into a relationship, you know very little about this man. And you're thinking of tying yourself to him for the rest of your life by having a child.

standardduck · 27/12/2024 14:31

I think it's a bit naive to rely on tracking your cycles with someone you only know for 2 months. Unless you were okay with getting "accidentally" pregnant.

If he is a student and might not even stay in the country, I would plan to be a single parent. Since he is from non Schengen country, I don't think you'll be able to get a child's maintenance from him, so make sure your finances are all set.

JMSA · 27/12/2024 14:32

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 14:15

He isn't married. His DS's mum was a casual thing and that pregnancy wasn't planned either, although he maintains a good relationship with both and goes to see DS as often as he can.

Maybe it's all a big lie. I just know I haven't a connection like this ever, and I do want a child. I will probably have to make a choice at some point and I think if he does put me in that position I would choose to go solo. As if it comes to that I would probably end up with neither eventually.

Dude needs to start wearing condoms.

Littlemisscapable · 27/12/2024 14:32

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2024 14:18

You are 36 and all you have ever wanted is to be a Mum.

Congratulations !

You will manage and you will be fine.

This..100%. You will make it work.

Busywithsomething · 27/12/2024 14:34

Hard for anyone else to help you on this. Two months doesn't sound like it's going to work somehow. Seems quite likely you'll be a single mum. If that's fine by you then yes, keep the baby.

Jk987 · 27/12/2024 14:34

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2024 13:05

I wouldn’t keep it because I only wanted to have children in a stable relationship.

We aren’t you so you should do whatever you feel is right but make your decision with open eyes knowing you may be bringing a child into the world whose father does not want them and you will have to do all you can ameliorate that.

Some of the most long term and stable relationships don't work after a baby. Marriage doesn't equal stability.