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Original poster

Pregnant after two months - keep it?

237 replies

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:01

I'm in a sticky situation and I don't know what to do.

Just found out that I'm pregnant, on Christmas Day.

I've been in my current relationship just two months, but it's the best connection I've ever had and see long term potential with this man.

I'm 36, have no other children and all I've ever wanted is to become a mum. Before this relationship I had spoken about going it alone because I didn't think I'd find anyone.

I've told him but he said the timing is all wrong. He's just finishing his Masters (mature student) and I'm in a secure job but don't earn tons. He's also from abroad on a student visa so pressure is on to find a proper job in the New Year so he can stay.

I think I would have help from family if the worst happened but I also don't want to lose this special relationship if he really doesn't want the baby right now.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Hisnutsroastingonanopenfire · 27/12/2024 13:44

Keep it. Just explain to him why and that if he wants to leave he can.

fromthevault · 27/12/2024 13:45

HornyHornersPinger · 27/12/2024 13:37

Please remember you will have to deal with this man for the rest of your life and you do not really know him after 2 months

Not neccessarily, given that he's not a UK national.and already has a child (?family) in his home country. He could quite easily walk away tomorrow forever, with zero repercussions (not suggesting that is ok, but it's the truth).

Munchyseeds2 · 27/12/2024 13:46

Keep the baby, he will either stick around or he won't.. you can't change that.
Be prepared to do it on your own if need be

PrincessSakura · 27/12/2024 13:48

I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t want to risk being tied to someone forever if things go wrong, what if he is abusive, controlling, what if you just aren’t compatible?
I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world knowing them may have to be raised inbetween homes from day one or have a father who isn’t present at all. The emotional implications that has on a child can be huge, the feeling of abandonment and rejection.
There’s so much to consider. It is your body and your choice at the end of the day but try to think of it from every angle.

Munchyseeds2 · 27/12/2024 13:48

Not sure I would have taken the risk of a STI tho!

oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 13:50

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:40

He's Nigerian.

We weren't using any contraception, just tracking cycles which I've been doing for years as I didn't want to deal with the side effects that made my cycles horrendous in my 20s.

So I guess I've been doing it wrong all along.

I feel both incredibly stupid but also I've got what I wanted for so long - to be pregnant. My head is a mess.

Getting pregnant on purpose with a man you don't know.
AKA ''Forced fatherhood''.

He was very foolish not to use condoms, especially as he had a child in his home country {probably a wife as well}

It would have been far more sensible to have gone to a legitimate sperm donor place, where the donors are screened for health and potential genetic conditions.

Ponoka7 · 27/12/2024 13:51

"We have spoken about babies and marriage already, but he wanted to start a career here first which is understandable."

Well you might not be able to get pregnant again, because you will be nearly 40. How old is he? I, knowing a lot of Nigerians would say he's future faking. If he wanted marriage, he'd be married. He's wanted to stay single. It's good that he's telling you to abort because he isn't just after a visa. Most Nigerians want to get to the States. The UK isn't what it was. As said, don't abort to keep him. I doubt that you will. Unless he is from a wealthy background understand what it's taken him to get to were her is. He isn't going to be telling you the full truth. He will tell you what you want to hear, though.

menopausalfart · 27/12/2024 13:51

Keep! Congratulations. As someone said above, do not have a termination just to keep your BF.

Ponoka7 · 27/12/2024 13:52

oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 13:50

Getting pregnant on purpose with a man you don't know.
AKA ''Forced fatherhood''.

He was very foolish not to use condoms, especially as he had a child in his home country {probably a wife as well}

It would have been far more sensible to have gone to a legitimate sperm donor place, where the donors are screened for health and potential genetic conditions.

Show quote history

That's without the risk of Hepatitis and HIV. Hepatitis B is still rampant throughout Nigeria.

MissDoubleU · 27/12/2024 13:53

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:43

He works 6 days a week to pay these himself - no loans or help as an international student. His money/timing worries are valid of course.

Show quote history

You’ve known him a minute. Do not count on him sticking around if you keep the baby or not. Can’t warn you any clearer.

Eviebeans · 27/12/2024 13:56

After only two months although it feels like a special connection it’s really too soon to tell - it has only been 8 short weeks and
he may leave anyway
however, if you have been wanting a child and it sounds as if you do then here is your chance- it may not happen again
be honest with yourself and make your decision based on that

diddl · 27/12/2024 13:59

Well you have both been utter fools!

He has a 5yr old in Nigeria?

So which child should he choose?

Or should he bring his wife & child over to you so that he can be with both of his kids?

What a mess!

schmeler · 27/12/2024 14:00

OnlyMothersInTheBuilding · 27/12/2024 13:08

I'd also keep the baby given your age and that you want one. At 36 it's risky to wait another year or two. The opportunity might not be there then.

There is no cliff edge. Fertility at 35 vs 40 shows a minimal difference.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 27/12/2024 14:03

BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 13:40

He's Nigerian.

We weren't using any contraception, just tracking cycles which I've been doing for years as I didn't want to deal with the side effects that made my cycles horrendous in my 20s.

So I guess I've been doing it wrong all along.

I feel both incredibly stupid but also I've got what I wanted for so long - to be pregnant. My head is a mess.

Tracking cycles is generally a terrible method of avoiding pregnancy, so if he was happy to go along with this "method of contraception" and not use a condom then he shouldn't be surprised you ended up pregnant.

You clearly wanted a baby, you were effectively not using contraception, so there's not a lot to get your head round other than the father's reaction was a little disappointing given he also opted for no protection.

oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 14:03

Ponoka7 · 27/12/2024 13:51

"We have spoken about babies and marriage already, but he wanted to start a career here first which is understandable."

Well you might not be able to get pregnant again, because you will be nearly 40. How old is he? I, knowing a lot of Nigerians would say he's future faking. If he wanted marriage, he'd be married. He's wanted to stay single. It's good that he's telling you to abort because he isn't just after a visa. Most Nigerians want to get to the States. The UK isn't what it was. As said, don't abort to keep him. I doubt that you will. Unless he is from a wealthy background understand what it's taken him to get to were her is. He isn't going to be telling you the full truth. He will tell you what you want to hear, though.

He has a child in Nigeria already.
Possibly still married to his wife.

chaosmaker · 27/12/2024 14:10

Tandora · 27/12/2024 13:44

He’s probably married in Nigeria .

OP this man is not the one.

But keep the baby if you want it.

Edited

I was going to ask if you definitely know he's NOT married already. @BettyOops89 I work with a lot of Nigerians and the majority seem to marry young. Although most of them have also brought their families with them or aim to.

Treeinthesky · 27/12/2024 14:11

As long as you feel you would manage as a single parent should things go south your fine. I feel very different now to what I did about my bf 2 months in and we are the same age. No way would I want his baby. I have 2 anyways age 15 and 10. But as long as you could manage emotionally that's fine keep your baby and enjoy. X

Moonwalkies · 27/12/2024 14:11

Just be honest with yourself, you wanted a baby to the point you were prepared to go alone- this was purposeful on your part wasn't it, so why would you even consider not having this baby? You evidently really want one and have previously before even meeting this man weighed up the possibility of being a single parent.

Wonderi · 27/12/2024 14:12

We have spoken about babies and marriage already, but he wanted to start a career here first which is understandable.

You’ve known this man 2 months.
You don’t even know each other.

Why would you even want to be with a man who has a 5yo child in a completely different country who he’s essentially abandoned?

What’s worse is that you’re hoping he stays in this country and therefore barely sees his own child.

You are coming across as very naive here.

You are a shag whilst he’s studying in this country.

After he finishes, he’ll either go back there and be with his child and family or bring them over here.

ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2024 14:13

He wants something from you and it isn’t a marriage and babies. I can’t believe you didn’t make him use a condom. Especially when he’s from a country with such high rates of HIV. I wouldn’t keep the baby and I wouldn’t date a man who could make a new life for himself thousands of miles away from his young son.

JumpstartMondays · 27/12/2024 14:14

Shinytaps · 27/12/2024 13:03

I would 100% keep the baby if I had always wanted kids, was 36 and been thinking about going it alone anyway.

you will find a way to make it work.

Agree.

Porcuporpoise · 27/12/2024 14:14

If you're happy to be a lone parent go for it. Even so it's a risk - you barely know this bloke and you (may) be committing to being tied to him for the next 19 years. That could be great but it could also be worse than having him ride off into the sunset.

Bananalanacake · 27/12/2024 14:14

This man was obviously happy to have another baby, if he wasn't he'd have used condoms.

Zippedydodah · 27/12/2024 14:14

diddl · 27/12/2024 13:59

Well you have both been utter fools!

He has a 5yr old in Nigeria?

So which child should he choose?

Or should he bring his wife & child over to you so that he can be with both of his kids?

What a mess!

Probably easier for OP to relocate to Nigeria?

Original poster
BettyOops89 · 27/12/2024 14:15

He isn't married. His DS's mum was a casual thing and that pregnancy wasn't planned either, although he maintains a good relationship with both and goes to see DS as often as he can.

Maybe it's all a big lie. I just know I haven't a connection like this ever, and I do want a child. I will probably have to make a choice at some point and I think if he does put me in that position I would choose to go solo. As if it comes to that I would probably end up with neither eventually.

OP posts: