Wish adult child would bloody well go home now!

[loveawineloveacrisp]

Arrived on Xmas Eve, comes as a package with small, very needy dog (who torments my dog, not to mention shits and pees everywhere) and boyfriend. Honestly I'm happy she still wants to spend Xmas with us but FFS just go home now. The constant cooking, clearing up, cleaning, everything in the fridge being demolished (including a full bottle of my gin that the BF has supped) is just driving me mad now. I'd like my house back please.

Is anyone else just taking deep breaths until it's time for their adult kids to leave or am I just horrible?

I feel your pain to some extent.

Whilst I didnt expect mine to contribute at all, it sincerely is my pleasure to provide a feast - I did find feel relief when they went home yesterday

Mainly because one of them does not like Christmas at all, and tends to bring down the atmosphere upon their arrival but telling anyone in earshot the error of their ways

Honestly, it is like having a dementor in the room, sucking the joy

No. I love the company of my son who no longer lives with us. I can’t imagine feeling like that OP

I hear my mother talking about me like this all the time, on the phone to her friends, within my earshot. About how overwhelming and stressful it is to have me here and how much work I make for her.

She also refuses my contributions to Christmas, and insists, in her forcefully martyrish way, that it is her absolute pleasure to host me, and it gives her so much joy and purpose to be able to take care of me since we live on opposite sides of the world and hardly ever see one another.

When I cook for her, she sulks and spends the whole meal asking if I think she’s a terrible cook. When I suggest we could cook together she says it’s not a two person job. When I get us takeaway she eats half her meal & pushes her plate away telling me they must have had a change of management as the food’s not up to their usual standard. I invite her out to dinner and she won’t express a preference in where she wants to go (‘I just want to go somewhere that will be a treat for you!’) and then sneaks off to slip the server her credit card when I’m in the loo so she ends up paying.

It’s an absolute headfuck. She insists on this role as being the giver of all good things, and the payoff is that she gets to resent me desperately and slag me off to friends and family as a selfish glutton and general agent of chaos.

I do wonder, when I read these threads, whether posters might have similar difficulties to my mother in accepting adult reciprocity from their grown children, or whether there’s some perverse joy in feeling taken advantage of.

YABVVVU

I have adult DC and I wouldn't dream of asking them to contribute when they visit. I provide good food and booze, and love their company.

However, my lovely daughter now lives 10,000 miles away in Australia, and I have no idea how many years it might be until we spend a Christmas together, which honestly could make me cry.

You have your daughter with you, and you're moaning about what she eats, what she drinks, and you want her to bugger off. Be careful what you wish for. I can tell you, it sucks.

If you are struggling financially then of course they should contribute but if not it's a chance to treat them. I would never expect contributions of money or food from my DC, just as I wouldn't let them pay if we went out for a meal.

I adore having them home and miss them the minute they leave. It's a joy to have a full lively house for a while. They are helpful, considerate and appreciative of everything but they do regress to teenage slovenliness as far as messy bedrooms go. They help to prep meals and clear away and organise games.
I wouldn't allow them to bring a dog though. DS2 has a cat and I offered to book and pay for a cat sitter or cattery.

I am all for the kids at anytime, but I would hugely be annoyed to a alcoholic boyfriend and a shitting dog. Cannot imagine anything worse that these two. Hopefully your daughter gets what you are saying if you dare saying it

Did I write this in my sleep? Exactly the same situation!

I still have under 18s and live in a relatively small place, wondering what the future holds because I would love to see my kids with the right future partner but also am very private and personal space aware person.....it is only a flat also...

Is doing her own thing bad though?

I don’t read it as it being bad her doing her own thing.

Just if the OP would rather have her house to herself, the daughter’s likely got other options for Christmas so it’s no skin off her nose. Why not be up front rather than seething with resentment and irritation?

What is the obsession with contributing to family get togethers on Mumsnet?

If I have guests in my house then I want them to be treated as guests. They can relax, help themselves to food and drink specifically available to them.

Give it a few more years and you'll be going to theirs!

I've just seen off my mum, who arrived in time for lunch on Christmas Eve, and headed off after lunch today. I think we were both quietly ready to have our own space back!
First thing I did once I waved her off was to get the dishwasher running, give the kitchen a good spray round, and restored my lounge to the way I like it!

@TigerRag

It's not unreasonable for your parents to want to know how long someone is staying.

@MsCactus

Why would someone treat family with less care and consideration than other people?

Yes, I understand, OP.
It's a problem, bothersome and tiresome situation.
However, I felt exactly like this about my parents, once I had my own life, home and settings.
Haven't visited one surviving parent in another country for five years - also because I rather retreat into my own space, undisturbed by others,
even "loved ones".

That does sound tiresome.

I don't allow dogs in my house.

She's 21.

I remember DM looking at me on a Boxing Day with a snarky eye that just spoke Fuck Off. I was an LP with a 2 month old, self-sufficiently studying a degree - own place, miles away with no demands for childcare. I'd arrived the evening of Xmas Eve and was gone by noon on Boxing Day.

Besides existing, the only crime I can think I committed was unfortunately crashing out when I took my baby to sleep between the starter and main meal then waking up to the merry goodbyes of my siblings downstairs.

I should have drunk all her gin instead, even though I don't drink gin.

Absolutely. Whatever I’ve got they can have. No charge x

Did her BF ask before helping himself to your booze? I’d have said something.

I shouldn’t think they’ll be invited many places if that’s how they behave as houseguests.

@Sodullincomparison Where did you get snowballs?? And did you have a glacé cherry on top .

I had DS , DD and partners here. All very helpful , brought their own drink and cleaned up . DS dies have a habit of coming home every so often with laundry to do.

My poor parents have had me (with my impeccably trained assistance dog) and one of my sisters here for a week, then my DH joined with our seven DC on Sunday. They’re in the US so trips are longer. But we contribute significantly, and clean up after ourselves and them, and plan activities to get the kids and any adults who want to join out of the house.

Here’s the thing: I was explicitly parented to make me a good adult guest and told when I wasn’t. At uni age I was told to take responsibility for parts of holiday meals, asked to bring what I wanted to drink plus plenty to share, asked to tidy my things or do dishes after a meal or run the vacuum if I didn’t do it of my own initiative. If I had a poorly behaved dog I have no doubt I’d have been told in advance I needed to figure out other arrangements.

My parents were still my parents when I was in my 20s, and when I was acting like an oblivious teenager they treated me like one, and when I acted like a well-mannered guest they treated me that way. It doesn’t work for the parent to be using hosting etiquette (do everything, avoid any suggestion the guest isn’t welcome, tolerate whatever) while the guest feels no need to use decent guest manners.

Mine was only here for 24 hours but what with the pre Christmas prep (cleaning, putting up decorations, shopping menu planning ) followed by Christmas lunch, an evening snack tea and full cooked breakfast on Boxing day, all cooked and cleaned up by me I was ready to have my house back. I think on one level they subconsciously revert to being children when they are back in the house they were brought in with mum there to take care of them again!