DH asking if I had a nice Christmas irks me

[RainbowDr0p]

I know I am probably BU but wondering if I am alone in this?!

We've had a lovely few days, Christmas's ice skating, mulled wine and shopping in York then lovely Christmas day and pizza hut, shopping and a panto yesterday. Everyone in good spirits.

On Christmas evening, DH asked if I had a nice day. I bit my tongue and said yes, have you?" and he said yes too. Last night he asked if I had a nice Christmas and I said I had but I hated being asked that as had I given any indication otherwise? He said he was just trying to make conversation and I told him he's not my hairdresser! We didn't row or anything and moved on just fine.

I've realised he asks this a lot after we have had nice days or unusual days. AIBU in thinking it's an unimaginative - maybe praise seeking - question?!!!

Perspective.

It is like watching a film together and then saying 'did you like that?' afterwards

Why wouldn't you, as two seperate humans, have two different perspectives on things

You need a better DH. Then him caring whether you had a nice day or not won't piss you off quite so much.

I’d often ask my DH if he enjoyed a day out/Christmas/holiday. If the day was a little messed up, I’d say that it wasn’t the best day, was it? He’d do the same. it could then evolve into a chat about the day/future plans, etc. If DH cooked a meal such as Christmas dinner, I’d say that was lovely, thanks. In turn, he’d say not at all, thanks for doing xxx.

The same I could say I’ve had an awful day and going to lie down/go into another room by myself for 30 minutes.

Isn’t it all part of keeping the connection going and communication open? Everyday typical low-brow conversation.

He's just trying to make conversation. Why can't you just reply with "Yes, I loved the ice skating" or "Yes, wasn't it funny when such and such happened?" And then the conversation continues from there.

I always ask dh if he's had a good day. I must be really irritating because I always ask if he's had a good Christmas/holiday/day out. I ask the children too.

For me I'm just checking in/showing I care.

Just because we were all there I can't assume I know how everyone felt.

Asking if everyone has had a good time is a chance to reflect.

Probably!

christ, what an odd thing to get irked about 🙄🙃 me and Fiancé had a lovely xmas day with the family and had a de-brief when we were chilling out later that evening when everyone had gone home and said if we'd change anything for next year and we said we wouldn't because it all went perfectly 😅🤣 maybe he was just trying to make conversation?

It's just a conversation starter isn't it? It's a chance to then have a conversation about what you liked, anything that didn't go well, what you could do different next time, etc.

Yes, he wants praise.

He wants to hear something like ‘I really enjoyed today, was lovely spending time with you, and that hot chocolate place you found was to die for’.

Not sure what his tone is like but he is probably just a little needy and unsure how you feel about him.

I like to say I appreciate people and time together with them because I realise in the past I used to take it for granted and many men are emotionally quite needy, especially as they age.

I agree with the previous comment, but I don't understand your response. Why would this situation make it difficult for (all) men to not be able to understand (any) women?

Because this particular woman (and a fair few on this thread) want their particular man to be interested in them but are irked when they ask them a question about their day.

Men in relationships like this can't win. They don't ask, they're wrong. They ask if you have a nice day and they're wrong.

Yes, he wants praise.

Not necessarily. I frequently ask my OH this kind of thing. Whether she answers yes or no the conversation doesn't have to go any further unless she wants it to. But at least I have some idea what mood she's in (I can't tell just by looking, and she sometimes seems to think there's a sign on her head).

Gosh… If you dump him, can I have his number?

I would expect my partner to ask this every single time, it’s a caring and nice thing to do. It’s a conversation starter where you can share what you thought about the events of the night now that it’s just the 2 of you.

Acceptable responses may include:
’Yes, loved it, we really should do this more often’
’Yes, it was interesting what y said about x, do you have any more thoughts on it’
’Yes, what did you think of this new recipe I tried?’
’No, I had a stomach ache and really couldn’t wait for everyone to leave, can you make me a cuppa please?’

People can look like they’re having fun but it can often trigger deeper thoughts or feelings, or just gratitude for having everyone together and a lovely time.

It’s really nice that your other half is interested in your thoughts and feelings.

Yeah, so? It just means that this relationship doesn't work (and a fair few others), not that men are incapable of understanding women.

My DH understands me, and vice versa, because we're very up front and clear with each other. But past girlfriends of DHs played a lot of mind games, wouldn't tell him if/why they were upset, wouldn't communicate clearly. (Editing to add that I also had this from a past boyfriend but in my experience, men are usually more "what you see is what you get").

There's a lot of posts on here from women who complain about their husbands/partners but don't communicate their wants/needs to said husbands/partners. So it's not hard to understand why men (not all men) don't understand women (not all women) as a general rule.

DH told me the other day that during the Christmas after work drinks there was a lot of complaining about the wife from his colleagues, and it's all because of things like not being clear about what they want or saying they're fine when they aren't. So it would seem that those of us that communicate in a straightforward way are the minority. God knows why, but I'm glad it's a thing we do!

I think I do something similar. I don't ask so much as make a statement about the day, some event or activity and generally I'm looking for my DP to join me in reflecting on a positive feeling. I want it to be something that bonds us and is a good shared experience. Maybe saying it out loud makes it more 'real' and cements the memory a bit. As me and DP aren't always on the same page it's reassuring to me to hear that affirmation and it's almost like if you don't acknowledge the good times life slips by unnoticed.
I do feel that sometimes when people ask if you've enjoyed something it's demanding confirmation not truly asking your opinion. "That was a great wedding, wasn't it?" Er no, not entirely...

in that case say so...not sweary and snotty but in terns of "here's what I'd change next time"

It just a s8mple way to start of a conversation about your day. My DH does this and I have no issue with it. It my chance to share things with him. 'Yes, I was really touched that X sent me y gift' or 'mostly but pizza hut has really gone down hill hasn't it, maybe let's try new pizza place next time' don't you like chatting to him?

Sounds like your husband has a pretty toxic attitude towards women if he thinks most women communicate like that. Most women I know are fairly direct in the way they communicate, although they do try not to hurt other people's feelings.

People who play games, be they men or women, I do not keep in my life. Your husband's previous partners all have him in common. I generally find it a red flag when people trash talk all or most of their past partners.

Also, I think it's inappropriate for you husband and his coworkers to gossip about the wife of one coworker behind her back. And why do they have complaints about her? Do they work with her?

Direct DH towards MN, there are possibly things he needs our support with.

I can see why that exact wording would be annoying. What would be his reaction if you expressed anything negative?

Maybe you twist things? Because I did not say any of those things.

I said he'd had that experience in the past. We communicate clearly and he likes that about our relationship. It's not toxic to appreciate that your partner doesn't play games...he had two relationships before me, and his brothers also have said that he was well rid of one of them. He hasn't trash talked, he simply told me he likes that I am straightforward unlike his past experiences.

Also, it was his colleagues complaining about their own wives to each other. He just came home and told me that these things had been said and they were surprised he didn't have the same complaints. No gossiping, just telling me about his day.

@RainbowDr0p
My brother does this. He will also ask his kids randomly if they are happy/having a nice day. Tbh I am 90% he (and several of our family) are undiagnosed ND and it is a self taught habit to check in. I'm assuming because he doesn't find it easy to know by reading the cues.
So although I always find it a slightly odd question I think it's rather sweet really. Your dh wants to know if you are happy and have had a good day, so he asks rather than wondering or guessing. I'd hazard a guess that what you think is obvious isn't to him.

This. It’s a perfectly normal question to ask your partner.

So you think two people present in the same situation can’t have differing experiences of it? He is also not just asking a yes no question; he has explained he’s asking as an invitation of conversation. You could reply by sharing what you liked especially or disliked. Highlights, low lights etc. You could share something it reminded you of. You could ask him what he liked about it? You sound like hard work and a terrible conversationalist. Relationships die without communication.