Oh just F off!!!

[ChicJoker]

first post (long time lurker)
I’ve just about had it with now-ex DP.

I ended the relationship recently for reasons I won’t go into in order to remain neutral. Basically I’ve been unhappy. Tried to end previously a few times and essentially got guilt tripped into continuing the relationship by family’s “oh but he’s such a good man” “oh but he ticks all the boxes” combined with DP upset/sulking.

this fairytale little character that my family (and in fairness, I) had in mind has turned into a petty, bitter, fucking arse. I can’t deal with it. I tried so hard to be friends, maintain health copwrenting relationship, include him, talk as normal etc.

he’s being petty about everything but mostly equity from the house. Basically saying if he’s giving me a percentage of the equity he’s not paying child maintenance. Claims me buying a house is not his problem and therefore doesn’t want to split the equity enough to cover a decent deposit for me.

communication has completely broken down, he’s arsey with me because I can’t stand to be in the house and therefore am making myself scarce as much as possible. We have 1 DS6. Equally he’s not telling me whether he’s coming or going. Went out to visit his DF earlier, called at 5pm to see where he is/what his plans where he told me he was going to make his way home now (2 hours ago and they live around the corner) I was waiting for him to be home with dc so that I could run some errands (too late now). He’s deliberately trying to not communicate with me about very important things. He’s hindered school pick ups a few weeks ago with some stupid actions. He’s dealing with the estate agents and I’m not being told a single thing about it.

house is solely in his name but I’ve been advised if I can prove I’ve contributed to the mortgage im entitled to equity, also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

im actually going out of my mind with the 24/7 atmosphere, intensified by the fucking Xmas period where no admin can be done and I can’t get the ball rolling.

how can I stay calm? AIBU to tell him to fuck right off? I’m seeing him in such a different light I just want OUT without being controlled and surveilled! I’ve genuinely been screaming into pillows he’s being such a TWAT.

Oh I agree he sounds like a douche. but seriously he is just looking out for himself and unfortunately the law is on his side.

Get the equity and then go through the CMA route. A bit sneaky but you may get more out of him

15k or 3.5k a MONTH? Crikey, you can well afford to get your own place! Get as much as he will give you, leave and get your own place.

It might be exciting for you, but not for me. I have offered OP advice across several posts.

I’ve also seen why OP has been so passive in giving up her financial security, and that it’s related to how her family treat her.

You really don’t need to lecture me on what support is. Concentrate on your own advice and don’t worry about my posts.

He has no 'housing responsibility' sounds like he's had advice too

Did you pay him or the mortgage lender direct your monthly contribution? If you've made it direct to lender and not him that might help your case.

Unfortunately it does sound like it's gonna be a bit of battle ahead. Do you have money to take this on legally?

A shit/hot (or even a shit) lawyer costs ££££.I am just reeling from a three year legal battle that has cost me over £100k /and I was actually married for nearly 30years - can’t imagine trying to get equity in a case like yours with no legal standing.
Really is best just to accept the equity he is offering g and the CMS. Anything else would be swallowed up in legal fees and you won’t get your costs paid.

You both pay your own legal costs unless somebody is obstructive

OP, ignore anyone giving legal advice who isn’t your lawyer! I am appalled daily at the profoundly incorrect things people on this site confidently assert about the law without having any qualifications to back it up. I’m not a family lawyer, I don’t know what the correct advice is, but I do know your lawyer is the correct source of information, not randoms on mumsnet who have read a few hundred words about your situation and don’t know what they’re talking about.

Divorce doesn't come cheap! - shit hot lawyers are eye wateringly expensive.
Even 'ordinary' family lawyers aren't cheap.
Both parties pay their own lawyer's fees.

Haven't read the full thread.
These bits of info may apply - scrolll down the first one for owner occupier info
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-transferring-property-for-the-benefit-of-children/

@L1991 has a good take on whether these might apply in your circumstances.

I was in a slightly similar situation and I would agree with the advice to keep it as amicable as possible as you are relying on the 'goodness of his heart' in terms of getting back some if what you put in. To do this you need to have moved out (with DC) so you can approach all interactions in a calm, business like way (it will continue to be emotional and messy if you are living together). Park CM for now, that can come further down the line once the house is sorted (agree to whatever- he can't enforce no CM long term). Communicate via email and ensure you read & re read to remove all emotion. Get a solicitor but think carefully about what you decide to do v the potential risks/gain as legal fees are high anx you need the £ for your future home. So sorry op it's a rubbish situation

Did you mean your income varies from £15,000 a month to £3000 a month or was 15k a typo?

I wouldn’t bother chasing your ex in that case. Concentrate on a new house and new start for you and your son. Start talking about contact and CM. In my experience my ex stamped his feet and said he was going for full custody then realised there was no way he could actually do it. He then settled on 2 nights a week until he changed jobs less than a year later and dropped down to 2 nights a fortnight where it has been ever since.

Family law doesn't apply because they aren't married. I don't know why that is so difficult for people to comprehend. In the eyes of the law they are no more of a family than are I and the person in the next queue at Tesco.

People who want to be legally related get married.

100%

Not 'unfair'. If people want the state to intervene in their love life they must actively sign documents for this, this is a good thing.

OP must have lots of money on her large salary, after years of living in the boyfriends property, so will be able to house herself no problem, I assume.

This is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Cohabitees have far fewer financial rights than married couples but they don’t have absolutely no rights whatsoever - proving you have contributed to mortgage payments can be one way of establishing such rights, depending on the circumstances.

If you are a family lawyer then you should know it’s profoundly unethical for you to be proffering advice to someone who isn’t your client and whose circumstances you don’t know in full. If you aren’t a family lawyer then, respectfully, your opinion is irrelevant. There is a reason it takes years of study, practice and ongoing training to be a lawyer, and it’s not because the half baked ideas of a random person who had read a few things online or drawn conclusions from their own anecdotal experience will do instead.

As others including ops lawyer have explained there is possibly a beneficial interest here that may give her an interest in the property. So the comment that she’s like someone on Tesco is wrong. but this is not a fix. It is likely to be difficult and expensive to prove and enforce those rights.

If people want the rights afforded to married couples then they need to get married

How do you know someone isn't a lawyer?

They confidently, give out free, anonymous advice on an Internet forum based on a few sentences of information.

Thank goodness the OP has spoken to someone who is legally trained.

Amazing how he wants stuff in writing when it benefits him but wasn't willing to do the same when it protected you.

Sadly OP you have put yourself in a very weak position

What you should have done was insist on legal contracts at the start and if he kept not doing it you should have stopped paying into and doing any work on the house.

He then could choose whether to stay in the relationship but you would have known from the start where you really stood and what his real intentions were. Not this wish washy verbal agreement nonsense that holds no weight

OP what job do you do that makes you between £3,500 and £15,000 a month?

OP, it's time to stop being so passive.
Start by finding somewhere to live. Stop fixating on your belief that he needs to ensure your child is housed because you are both responsible for that.
Your choices have brought you to where you are now but there is nothing stopping you from moving forward in a more positive way for your child.
Find that strength and then fight for what you believe you are owed

And good luck with that. It simply will not happen.

Occupation orders are generally used in cases of domestic abuse, as a matter of safety. That isn't an issue here and the OP has a good income.

Grasping at straws is futile.

It was a mistake to have the child without marriage. That can't be rectified. One cannot retroactively try to get the same consideration as a legally wed wife would get. Time to focus on moving forward.