Oh just F off!!!

[ChicJoker]

first post (long time lurker)
I’ve just about had it with now-ex DP.

I ended the relationship recently for reasons I won’t go into in order to remain neutral. Basically I’ve been unhappy. Tried to end previously a few times and essentially got guilt tripped into continuing the relationship by family’s “oh but he’s such a good man” “oh but he ticks all the boxes” combined with DP upset/sulking.

this fairytale little character that my family (and in fairness, I) had in mind has turned into a petty, bitter, fucking arse. I can’t deal with it. I tried so hard to be friends, maintain health copwrenting relationship, include him, talk as normal etc.

he’s being petty about everything but mostly equity from the house. Basically saying if he’s giving me a percentage of the equity he’s not paying child maintenance. Claims me buying a house is not his problem and therefore doesn’t want to split the equity enough to cover a decent deposit for me.

communication has completely broken down, he’s arsey with me because I can’t stand to be in the house and therefore am making myself scarce as much as possible. We have 1 DS6. Equally he’s not telling me whether he’s coming or going. Went out to visit his DF earlier, called at 5pm to see where he is/what his plans where he told me he was going to make his way home now (2 hours ago and they live around the corner) I was waiting for him to be home with dc so that I could run some errands (too late now). He’s deliberately trying to not communicate with me about very important things. He’s hindered school pick ups a few weeks ago with some stupid actions. He’s dealing with the estate agents and I’m not being told a single thing about it.

house is solely in his name but I’ve been advised if I can prove I’ve contributed to the mortgage im entitled to equity, also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

im actually going out of my mind with the 24/7 atmosphere, intensified by the fucking Xmas period where no admin can be done and I can’t get the ball rolling.

how can I stay calm? AIBU to tell him to fuck right off? I’m seeing him in such a different light I just want OUT without being controlled and surveilled! I’ve genuinely been screaming into pillows he’s being such a TWAT.

Which is what he’s said would be done for years and one thing or another always came up to prevent it.
So you should have insisted, and nagged and nagged every single day until it happened. It just astounds me how I continually read on here about women (unmarried so no legal protection) who have children with men who hold all the financial control and live in a house that they have no ownership of, despite living as a family unit and therefore contributing to the household finances in one way or another.

“I’m not having children until we’re married - take it or leave it.” Too many women are making it easy for men not to have to marry, like so many I read about on mumsnet! Because they’re handing men all the benefits of marriage (live-in partner, plus children) without the legal obligation.
I wouldn’t be hanging around hoping ‘one day’. I certainly wouldn’t be moving in with someone and contributing to household expenses without my name on the deeds of the house - actually on there, not just promised like in the op’s case. Lessons I will be teaching my daughters after reading here over the years about so many unprotected women.

Unless of course your daughter is a high earner. Mine wont marry and if they buy joint property itll be drawn up like the business arrangement it is.

I know it’s terribly exciting to know better than the OP - knowledge is power etc etc. but can you please remember this is a woman in need of advice and support.

@OakleyAnnie

The entire point is that there is nothing anyone can do for her now. The opportunity to protect herself sailed long ago.

Ginning up false hope isn't "supportive." Realism is. And maybe someone else will read this in time to prevent the same dismal scenario.

He's a nasty bitter man. And a liar too if he’s promised to put you on the deeds, split 60:40 etc. Can you play him at his own game. Say you made a mistake. Get back together. Say you’ll feel more secure if he puts you on the deed. And then tell him to fuck off later?

Totally agree and such naivety on what they are entitled to and owed.

Its his house. Your name isn’t legally on anything. He doesn’t owe you anything. You may not like it and it may not seem fair but that’s the way it is. Effectively because you aren’t married you are a lodger. Again it may not seem right but that’s what it is. He can ask you to leave his property and honestly yiu have no right to live their after you split. He can house your son - you aren’t his problem anymore and yes he can make you homeless. That solicitor was wrong wrong wrong or maybe thought you were married.

You being annoyed or angry with him because he won’t give you anything he doesn’t owe you or is legally entitled to is bonkers. If you owned a house and someone was renting a room from you would they be entitled to a share of the equity? It’s the same thing.

Your verbal agreement is he said she said and frankly why would he give you 40% share - again bonkers.

Charming.

You can give advice without being rude and ignorant.

Well other people can.

Nobody's suggesting "false hope" or anything like it. It's a totally unfair situation.

But there's a way of couching advice without being totally brutal towards someone whose life is falling apart.

It's not "unfair," though. Fairness has nothing to do with it.

OP was asking for practical/legal advice, which she has received.

People can protect themselves or they can roll the dice and take their chances. We all have the same opportunity to make choices, and life-altering choices have consequences. It's not sunshine and rainbows.

If this thread alerts one woman in time to avert the same scenario, it will have done good. It's too bad all of this isn't taught in schools.

Oh the irony of your last point is delicious.

Nope she’s right …..but if you need a little more knowledge….

Dictionary
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hearsay

noun
information received from other people which cannot be substantiated; rumour.
"according to hearsay, Bez had managed to break his arm"

• LAW
• the report of another person's words by a witness, which is usually disallowed as evidence in a court of law.
• "everything they had told him would have been ruled out as hearsay"

Let them talk all they want. You do not need
to engage in any conversation about it with your Mother.

seriously listen to the whole podcast of “the let them theory” by Mel Robins then shine up you back bone and shut down any and all conversations with your Mother. You are NEVER going to convince her you are doing the right thing for you. Why? Because she doesn’t care about your feelings so stop sharing your feelings and thoughts with her, just act how you want and need to. Find your village and people who will surround, boulster and support you emotionally. It’s sad that it’s not going to be your Mum but she has laid her cards out. Don’t let her manipulate you

If he gets a lawyer, most likely he'll be told he doesn't have to give you any equity but will have to pay CM. It's shit but CM is to cover your DC's living expenses.
Because you're not married and not the co-owner - you have no automatic right to the property. Even if married and co-owning the starting point for equity split is 50/50.
If you work or are capable of work then it's unlikely to be higher.
In your circumstances you'd have to go back on your bank statements and show where you've regularly paid more than just half the daily living bills, any extras for work done etc. In your favour is the length of the relationship and that you have a child together. However, the legal fees in fighting for this may outweigh any gain.
He's daft for saying he'll pay some equity as long as you don't ask for CM. He has a legal obligation to pay towards the upkeep of his DC. He can't escape that.
I wish you luck OP.

Your main hope is on a good paper trail. I hope you can find lots of evidence.

Are you a solicitor?

sure written like one. :)

The best way to get money out of this man might be to suggest that you're going to stiff him with full-time childcare if you don't get enough to put a deposit down on another property. That and the threat of insane legal fees - he'll end up spending the same amount to deprive the mother of his child of a home for his child as he might actually pay you in the first place if this goes to court.

honestly she is sitting with no legal rights really and she broke his heart. So he is probably looking for a way to hurt her.

Indeed. So find his weakness and exploit it.

Men like this don't really have hearts to be broken. They just like control, and they get fucked off when that control is taken away from them.

IANAL but as they weren't married, the OP would be better off spending her time and energies on finding a new home for herself, and working with her ex to minimise the negative impact of this split on their child.

From what the OP herself says, she is the one who chose to end the relationship, but is refusing to move out of the home which her ex owns. She seems to have a good income, so can afford to find somewhere else to stay.

Im sorry but he would probably rather waste the money than save it

Just a tip that might help. I have a dispute with a local company. I didn't keep a record stupidly of all the issues. My DD who is much more savvy than me did a search on my social media and found where I'd complained to family and friends with updates on the shitty service I'd got, so we were able to piece together a timeline. I was dead impressed!!

It might not help you but again it might, if you have ever talked to anyone online about stuff.

I think there’s an element of practical advice and there’s also a few people that are enjoying it. That’s unfortunately the bit that’s coming over.

I don’t think so.

He probably broke her heart too.