Oh just F off!!!

[ChicJoker]

first post (long time lurker)
I’ve just about had it with now-ex DP.

I ended the relationship recently for reasons I won’t go into in order to remain neutral. Basically I’ve been unhappy. Tried to end previously a few times and essentially got guilt tripped into continuing the relationship by family’s “oh but he’s such a good man” “oh but he ticks all the boxes” combined with DP upset/sulking.

this fairytale little character that my family (and in fairness, I) had in mind has turned into a petty, bitter, fucking arse. I can’t deal with it. I tried so hard to be friends, maintain health copwrenting relationship, include him, talk as normal etc.

he’s being petty about everything but mostly equity from the house. Basically saying if he’s giving me a percentage of the equity he’s not paying child maintenance. Claims me buying a house is not his problem and therefore doesn’t want to split the equity enough to cover a decent deposit for me.

communication has completely broken down, he’s arsey with me because I can’t stand to be in the house and therefore am making myself scarce as much as possible. We have 1 DS6. Equally he’s not telling me whether he’s coming or going. Went out to visit his DF earlier, called at 5pm to see where he is/what his plans where he told me he was going to make his way home now (2 hours ago and they live around the corner) I was waiting for him to be home with dc so that I could run some errands (too late now). He’s deliberately trying to not communicate with me about very important things. He’s hindered school pick ups a few weeks ago with some stupid actions. He’s dealing with the estate agents and I’m not being told a single thing about it.

house is solely in his name but I’ve been advised if I can prove I’ve contributed to the mortgage im entitled to equity, also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

im actually going out of my mind with the 24/7 atmosphere, intensified by the fucking Xmas period where no admin can be done and I can’t get the ball rolling.

how can I stay calm? AIBU to tell him to fuck right off? I’m seeing him in such a different light I just want OUT without being controlled and surveilled! I’ve genuinely been screaming into pillows he’s being such a TWAT.

Also, further to my above comment. I think you said the house is solely in his name, I'd move to get the process going and as far down the line as possible re negotiations so that when he sells the house he can't move the money to another account and claim he didn't know he'd need to pay you out/spend it/put a deposit on something for himself straight away/otherwise diminish the pot of funds.
If the house is solely in his name the estate agents won't/shouldn't talk to you about the sale - fair enough. But I'd be nervous about not being in the loop re the sale if that the majority of the equity you could lay claim to. Get back to a solicitor and make a point of this to them.

It’s not piss poor advice by her solicitor - they’d be out of business being sued left right and centre.

She was advised about Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989 - it’s very underused because it’s only really worth it with high net worth individuals as usually the equity is soaked up by litigation.

its what Lauren Googder used to claim against Kyle Walker.

Your head seems so far out of the realms of reality.

It was pretty obvious to most people what PP meant, seemingly except you and OP.

Maybe so would yours be if you were in the OP's situation!!

Have a bit of empathy!!

Any agreement about child maintenance isn’t worth the paper it’s written on so, if that’s what he wants, give it to him and then go to the CMS later. Play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.

A friend of mine agreed her divorce settlement (eg. how much she needed) on the understanding she’d get child maintenance. After it was all settled, her ex went back to CMS and told them their custody arrangement was 50/50 - that was the end of her maintenance. He’d always planned to do it, he told my partner as much after he’d done it. CMS don’t care what’s agreed in a break up or divorce unless it’s court ordered because circumstances can change.

If they were married, this conversation wouldn't be happening.

Morally they bought it together, renovated it together, lived in it together.

So she should walk away with nothing but the responsibility for their son? Now that's what's disgusting, whatever the law says!

I hope this serves as a reminder to women to not have children with men they are not married to. Also don't buy a house and contribute to a mortgage that they have no claim in.

I feel for you OP you have very little chance of a claim as to a verbal agreement means nothing at the end of the day. as to DP he would be smart to just keep dragging it out. Personally if you broke my heart I probably would too.

I hope you can find some peace and move on. With you wage I would look to move somewhere else and just set yourself and son up.

This is wrong op, you can prove a beneficial interest through direct payments against the mortgage.

@ChicJoker please pay no heed to the mixed messages you're getting here from unsympathetic posters. You're in a horrible situation and your own family isn't even on your side, and yet some 'individuals' (for want of a better word!) are seeing fit to give it to you with both barrels?? (what is actually wrong with people?!!)

Get decent legal advice and be guided by it. Find out from asking around who is a shit hot lawyer in breakups like yours.

Avoid your ex and your horrible family. I can't imagine how any mother wouldn't be supportive of her own daughter even if she was under the mistaken impression that the ex shits rainbows! I don't know why she refuses to believe her own child. Go LC or NC with her at least for now - you don't need her on your back as well.

A man who behaves the way he has throughout your relationship is not a good person. I wish you all the best.

You’re earning £15k per month “some months”? Are you saving or paying it to DP? Can you prove it? That’s a massive amount of money!

"Morally they bought it together, renovated it together, lived in it together.
*
So she should walk away with nothing but the responsibility for their son? Now that's what's disgusting, whatever the law says!*"

The law doesn't care. She has no more legal status in his life than a passerby walking down the pavement.

Bearing the child of a friend, boyfriend or one night stand doesn't invoke any rights to their assets.

I could help my friend renovate his doer-upper for years, but that wouldn't give me ownership rights over his private property.

Why women don't understand this is beyond me. It should be taught in school and repeated every year. If one wants the property rights and protections of marriage, one needs to actually, you know, marry. Living together and "falling pregnant" are irrelevant.

Letting a man fob one off for years, and getting pregnant anyway, is playing Russian roulette with one's entire future.

All he is responsible to provide is CMS, if they don't share parenting 50/50.

And with that income (between 3.5k and 15k a month) op can adequately house herself and DC.

Yes, she should get some of the equity, but not all of it and not to be housed here for the next 12 years, unless she buys out the ex

Eh? Empathy won’t prepare her for what’s to come… she needs to prepare not comfort herself in this false sense of safety.

This is the why I wouldn’t have children outside of marriage.

Exactly.

No one can string you along without your permission. Don't move in, or god forbid have a child, or stop earning, without protection of marriage. It has nothing to do with love, sentiment or romance. It's about financial and property rights.

Verbal agreement not valid in law.
You aren't married so you can claim child maintenance but nothing else. He is only a partner so not obliged to provide you with anything.

Well said, @ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes

Empathy/sympathy/moral indignation is not going to help the OP at this point.

Child maintenance can be dealt with afterwards. The CMS will garnish his wages if he’s in a PAYE job.

There was recently an article about this in the guardian. Very few people are chased by the CMS.

Agreed. Rubbish advice if you live in England.

Op, you are in an awful situation.
I echo the advice to limit contact with your family straight away. Do not discuss your ex with your family. If they talk about him just nod or don’t commit to anything.
Do what you have to do. If that means signing an agreement to obtain equity then do it.
I have to sadly agree that the CMS are terrible, nrp get away with murder.
Think about your own metal health and well being.
Is it better to walk away with your sanity rather than stay in the vain hope that one day you may acquire what? A few thousand pounds.
Do not believe a word your ex says.
Put yourself first.
Good luck op.

I don't know how much you paid your solicitor, but he's wrong
You contributed to your life together in his home that's it
He has a legal obligation to pay maintenance but as you're unmarried, you will have a battle on your hands for anything else
Anything else is just hearsay