Oh just F off!!!

[ChicJoker]

first post (long time lurker)
I’ve just about had it with now-ex DP.

I ended the relationship recently for reasons I won’t go into in order to remain neutral. Basically I’ve been unhappy. Tried to end previously a few times and essentially got guilt tripped into continuing the relationship by family’s “oh but he’s such a good man” “oh but he ticks all the boxes” combined with DP upset/sulking.

this fairytale little character that my family (and in fairness, I) had in mind has turned into a petty, bitter, fucking arse. I can’t deal with it. I tried so hard to be friends, maintain health copwrenting relationship, include him, talk as normal etc.

he’s being petty about everything but mostly equity from the house. Basically saying if he’s giving me a percentage of the equity he’s not paying child maintenance. Claims me buying a house is not his problem and therefore doesn’t want to split the equity enough to cover a decent deposit for me.

communication has completely broken down, he’s arsey with me because I can’t stand to be in the house and therefore am making myself scarce as much as possible. We have 1 DS6. Equally he’s not telling me whether he’s coming or going. Went out to visit his DF earlier, called at 5pm to see where he is/what his plans where he told me he was going to make his way home now (2 hours ago and they live around the corner) I was waiting for him to be home with dc so that I could run some errands (too late now). He’s deliberately trying to not communicate with me about very important things. He’s hindered school pick ups a few weeks ago with some stupid actions. He’s dealing with the estate agents and I’m not being told a single thing about it.

house is solely in his name but I’ve been advised if I can prove I’ve contributed to the mortgage im entitled to equity, also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

im actually going out of my mind with the 24/7 atmosphere, intensified by the fucking Xmas period where no admin can be done and I can’t get the ball rolling.

how can I stay calm? AIBU to tell him to fuck right off? I’m seeing him in such a different light I just want OUT without being controlled and surveilled! I’ve genuinely been screaming into pillows he’s being such a TWAT.

I'm sorry you're in this situation op. I'm glad you have a good income. It's time to detach yourself from this man. What's your ideal situation? How much time with your son do you want him to have? (You say 50/50 isn't practical so what is?) You need to decide what you want your life to look like and fund it yourself. Getting equity out of the house is a separate project. Do you have receipts for the money spent on home improvements? Can you pay for the lawyers? You need to get on and create a good life with your son. You've learned an expensive lesson but moving forward you have the chance of a much better life.

It sounds based on your income as though you can adequately house yourself. You probably do have a beneficial interest in his property based on your contributions but it would be on you to prove it and that could be expensive.

She knows that.

Kindness costs nothing.

I'm not so sure that's the case, but I would advise the OP to take the advice of her solicitor rather than yours.

Being nasty isn't either.

They aren’t married so she can’t

Making everything worse for him.

You do what you need to do.

He sounds like a time waster. Don't let him control anymore of your life.

hahahahahaha mmmmm your ........

When you have a child with somebody, a home and a life you have built over a decade you cannot expect to ‘cut ties’ and it all be resolved to your liking within weeks. Obviously it will be a drawn out and painful
process, which will take years to resolve and, as there is a child involved, ties will never truly be cut. Yabvu. Also your lawyer sucks.

You are in a bad position here, so as one poster mentioned I'd try and mediate and take the anger down a notch as hard as that is to swallow.Verbal contracts are still contracts but you would need the absolute total best solicitor/barrister out there to argue that as a case and win.

other women saying this is why you should be married so do tell me how do you get a man to marry you? Was she meant to have forced him. Many women never get proposed to how do they get a man down the aisle

How the fuck does that help

Please don’t tell your mother / family another thing. She is on his side and will tell him everything. It sounds as if whatever happens, financially you are secure. I hope you get what you put in and the value increase.

• don't have a baby with a man who won't make sure you're financially secure. If you get pregnant by accident, terminate or don't move in wit him at the very least until you've arranged matters properly
• don't pay the mortgage or a deposit for a house you don't own, or pay repairs
• don't go part time or SAHM if you aren't financially secure. Work full time and share the costs of childcare. If he refuses, move out and claim UC top ups or CM.

there are lots of ways women can avoid this situation if they have their wits about them.

A verbal agreement is completely unprovable.
It's a load of hot air and nothing else.

This ^

It immediately struck me that if the OP is earning between 3.5k and 15k per month then she ought easily to be able to provide accommodation for herself and son.

With that level of income I'd have thought an occupation order would be out of the question?

I think you will find that he's selling the house from under you ... he can, it's his house unless you've a court order that states otherwise.

You don't move in with them or produce their offspring until they do.

If they won't, you move on to someone else. Why is this so difficult for women to comprehend? People need to get a spine. Hold out for someone who actually values you enough to commit. Not hedge and haw and string you along. Hold out.

In days of yore it was unadvisable to have sex before marriage; not because of prudery but because birth control wasn't reliable. If he wasn't committed, the woman was totally screwed financially and socially.

Just because the social stigma has eased, and contraception is more reliable, doesn't mean that it's smart to cohabit and bear children without contracts in place.

I’m also wondering why on these kinds of salaries they’ve only got £130k equity after 10 years of owning the house.

There is some bad money management going on.

Anyway, I hope you have separate savings OP.

Well said, @InkHeart2024

No ring, no paying the mortgage.

No ring, no baby.

On a salary of 3.5- 15 k per month I don’t understand why you are still living there . Move out with your son and then take him to court as necessary . Like the pp I’m wondering how you have such little equity after 10 years .

100% this.

It's lunacy as well to try and ''force his hand'' by getting pregnant hoping he'll come round to marry you.

It's likely he won't.

There is an uber wealthy woman a family member knows...She has a 'partner' and children with him..she won't marry as she knows she doesn't need to, {she's fabulously wealthy } - and if she were to split, she'd have to give her husband a large settlement if they were married.

She need give him nothing if they were to split up now. Just ''partners''.

Marriage generally protects the less financially secure half of the couple.