Oh just F off!!!

[ChicJoker]

first post (long time lurker)
I’ve just about had it with now-ex DP.

I ended the relationship recently for reasons I won’t go into in order to remain neutral. Basically I’ve been unhappy. Tried to end previously a few times and essentially got guilt tripped into continuing the relationship by family’s “oh but he’s such a good man” “oh but he ticks all the boxes” combined with DP upset/sulking.

this fairytale little character that my family (and in fairness, I) had in mind has turned into a petty, bitter, fucking arse. I can’t deal with it. I tried so hard to be friends, maintain health copwrenting relationship, include him, talk as normal etc.

he’s being petty about everything but mostly equity from the house. Basically saying if he’s giving me a percentage of the equity he’s not paying child maintenance. Claims me buying a house is not his problem and therefore doesn’t want to split the equity enough to cover a decent deposit for me.

communication has completely broken down, he’s arsey with me because I can’t stand to be in the house and therefore am making myself scarce as much as possible. We have 1 DS6. Equally he’s not telling me whether he’s coming or going. Went out to visit his DF earlier, called at 5pm to see where he is/what his plans where he told me he was going to make his way home now (2 hours ago and they live around the corner) I was waiting for him to be home with dc so that I could run some errands (too late now). He’s deliberately trying to not communicate with me about very important things. He’s hindered school pick ups a few weeks ago with some stupid actions. He’s dealing with the estate agents and I’m not being told a single thing about it.

house is solely in his name but I’ve been advised if I can prove I’ve contributed to the mortgage im entitled to equity, also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

im actually going out of my mind with the 24/7 atmosphere, intensified by the fucking Xmas period where no admin can be done and I can’t get the ball rolling.

how can I stay calm? AIBU to tell him to fuck right off? I’m seeing him in such a different light I just want OUT without being controlled and surveilled! I’ve genuinely been screaming into pillows he’s being such a TWAT.

Have you considered mediation? The relationship split type are facilitated by qualified family lawyers who will work with you both towards everything being legally sound and fair. This is a voluntary process though

This is wrong. Specifically this: also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

You have zero right to remain and zero interest in his property unless you want to go to court. He can also kick you out tonight if he likes.

Why can't he be the resident parent?
Verbal agreement is a total waste of time it's his name on the house not yours.

@twohotwaterbottles I can't see why the ex boyfriend would attend that though. He has nothing to mediate. He has a house, can house his kid. 🤷‍♀️

If you were together ‘on completion’ why on earth weren’t you on the mortgage? It’s bonkers, 10 years later you’ve got fuck all and now have to fight for what you paid in through the legal channels. You’ve just been a lodger.

Why weren't you on the mortgage?

You're not getting any of that house OP. Start looking for somewhere to live instead of investing tons and tons of energy and money into trying to get some of the equity.

Morally yes . Legally no .
He can either keep child with him or it becomes your responsibility to house you and your ds.

You have to separate legally for emotional and what you think is what should happen to what is actually going to happen.

He clearly doesn’t want to split so is being awkward .

While you are living together though he has to sit down with you and sort out at what times he spends with child as that’s your time off.
Again op he can’t be made to do any of this.

You can and should try though.

Have you communicated your expectations to your ex-partner yet, @ChicJoker?

If so, what did he say?

What's stopping you accepting the equity and then once it's in your bank account registering with the child maintenance service? (Not saying this is right or wrong but surely it's an option?)

The issue you will face is you paid towards your life together not the mortgage directly. So say you were paying £2000 a month to your combined outgoings, some of that would be food, some bills, some kids stuff, etc etc. people in your circumstance tend not to win because it is impossible to say what you were contributing to the mortgage. You probably will get a bit of what you have contributed to improving the home but at others have said it won’t be much. There is no such things a common law marriage even with children.

Next time, get a deed of trust outlining your equity rights

You're probably right. He has nothing to gain by taking part so won't be interested in trying to find resolutions.

Which is what he’s said would be done for years and one thing or another always came up to prevent it.

the house was a complete shell when it was bought. We renovated it together and spent the last 10 years in it. Financially I have contributed a lot.

thw agreement is still in place but he’s now majorly dragging his heels, being stubborn, and almost threatening to withdraw it. He’s said if he’s giving me the equity then he’s not paying CMA. This is the crux of it.

house is solely in his name but I’ve been advised if I can prove I’ve contributed to the mortgage im entitled to equity, also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

A solicitor told you this??? This is not correct.

You're not paying him enough. He's talking tripe.

if the property is in your DPs name and you're not on the deeds, you have no right to the property if you aren't married. Any money you contributed towards the mortgage will equate to what you'd have had to pay in rent, so all you've been doing is paying off his mortgage. That's why he's playing hardball about releasing capital/equity, he doesn't have to.

if you split, you can apply for Child Maintenance but that's a different matter.

you may be able to squeeze something out of him to cover renovations, but it would be best to produce all the receipts as proof

He’s said if he’s giving me the equity then he’s not paying CMA. This is the crux of it.

So take the equity, then file for child maintenance after you've received the equity.

But he won't give you the equity, so it's a moot point anyway

I think where posters may be confused on the house ownership point is that this isn’t a family law question (as you aren’t married) but rather the issue is whether you contributed to the housing costs on the understanding that you would be given a beneficial share in the house, in which case there may a constructive trust (undocumented, implied trust based on behaviour) in your favour. But it is very fact sensitive so a possible but by no means a certain outcome. It is good that you are getting legal advice on your position.

Agreed, i paid 50/50 on the mortgage for 14 years put £100,000 into the house, got £13,000 out.
Hope for the best and plan for the worst

Oh Lord, OP. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
I haven't got any advice, but I'm sorry.

He will definitely give me equity, though not the amount agreed I can’t imagine. He wants it in writing that I won’t try and claim CMA further down the line if so.

The judge made my DC homeless. It’s not in the hands of solicitors which ever law firm they work for.. they want a clean break at any cost these days

OP, if you are not married these things can be harder.

Gather every bit of paperwork you have that proves you have paid towards that house.

You need to prove your contribution as you are not married.

Posters are correct, bar child maintenance he has zero obligation to house you or your child.

Hence you should focus on proving on paper your contribution.

A verbal agreement means little, so be prepared.
Good luck.

Do your math carefully to give up CM.

Thats not enforceable anyway, write him a letter saying whatever and then after the money hits your account call the CMS.

Best to calculate the maintenance amount and seem how close it is to his equity offer.

it there isn't much in it, take the money and run. At least you'll have a clean break.

I would continue with the legal firm you've consulted. If you contributed to doing it up and paid some of the mortgage it is partly yours. Don't sign anything that prevents you from using the CMA in future. He is being unreasonable.