Oh just F off!!!

[ChicJoker]

first post (long time lurker)
I’ve just about had it with now-ex DP.

I ended the relationship recently for reasons I won’t go into in order to remain neutral. Basically I’ve been unhappy. Tried to end previously a few times and essentially got guilt tripped into continuing the relationship by family’s “oh but he’s such a good man” “oh but he ticks all the boxes” combined with DP upset/sulking.

this fairytale little character that my family (and in fairness, I) had in mind has turned into a petty, bitter, fucking arse. I can’t deal with it. I tried so hard to be friends, maintain health copwrenting relationship, include him, talk as normal etc.

he’s being petty about everything but mostly equity from the house. Basically saying if he’s giving me a percentage of the equity he’s not paying child maintenance. Claims me buying a house is not his problem and therefore doesn’t want to split the equity enough to cover a decent deposit for me.

communication has completely broken down, he’s arsey with me because I can’t stand to be in the house and therefore am making myself scarce as much as possible. We have 1 DS6. Equally he’s not telling me whether he’s coming or going. Went out to visit his DF earlier, called at 5pm to see where he is/what his plans where he told me he was going to make his way home now (2 hours ago and they live around the corner) I was waiting for him to be home with dc so that I could run some errands (too late now). He’s deliberately trying to not communicate with me about very important things. He’s hindered school pick ups a few weeks ago with some stupid actions. He’s dealing with the estate agents and I’m not being told a single thing about it.

house is solely in his name but I’ve been advised if I can prove I’ve contributed to the mortgage im entitled to equity, also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

im actually going out of my mind with the 24/7 atmosphere, intensified by the fucking Xmas period where no admin can be done and I can’t get the ball rolling.

how can I stay calm? AIBU to tell him to fuck right off? I’m seeing him in such a different light I just want OUT without being controlled and surveilled! I’ve genuinely been screaming into pillows he’s being such a TWAT.

I don't think ypu understand how the law works

Shame on all of you telling OP she is wrong! That's not the point here. She is distressed and you are all Making it worse.

Yes OP, I would absolutely tell him to F off if he is behaving like a child. Regardless of legal issues, you should probably make some requests such as " keep me informed of dates and times that you plan to have our child so I can arrange other things accordingly" etc.

Good luck x

Of course he has a legal obligation to house his own child!

But the law doesn’t care about what your opinion is and what you find “disgusting”.

You are not married. He has no legal obligations to you whatsoever. You have no legal claim to the house that is in his name only. You were, at best, a tenant in the house. More likely just a guest. Why you’d have a child and move in with someone without getting things sorted legally first is a mystery. But that ship has sailed.

I’m sure in his opinion it’s disgusting that his girlfriend wants to take the house he owns just because the relationship has fallen apart. If the house was in your name only, how would you see it?

I have no advice but I really feel for you OP. One of the main reasons I'm hesitant to leave my nasty DH is because I'm well aware my (misogynistic) mother would blame me for 'splitting up the family' and provide no support at all. I wish you luck.

The OP was given piss-poor advice and was put right by a number of posters. It is not her being wrong.

If he’s on the birth certificate he has an obligation to provide for the child. That’s not the same as handing the keys of his house to the child’s mother.

He wants 50:50 so he won't have to pay maintenance. He won't do the parenting, he'll helicopter in some female relatives to do it for him.

I'm not surprised that he wouldn't marry you. He's never wanted to commit to you and he's lied to you for years. Don't believe a word he says. Make sure you have excellent legal advice that you're properly clear on and work in the best interests of you and your child. He is not your friend and you cannot trust him.

There's advising her and then there's blatantly saying that is wrong. I've read that word many times throughout this thread. It's a bit OTT IMO.

If the advice is wrong, why should people not say it's wrong?

He's definitely got an agenda, and you need to find out what it is so it doesn't come back to bite you in the butt. He's keeping things from you and that's a huge red flag as well as his disinterest in wanting to communicate with you about what's going on. You need to assert yourself when you speak to him and make him pick a day and time to have a conversation so he won't have a choice but to listen and then respond. Until then you need to be thinking of what questions you are going to ask so you get the answers that you need to move forward and proceed with whatever you have to do so that you know that you're going to be okay regardless of what he does. I understand why you're angry and I hope everything works out for you, just keep your ears and eyes open and just be smart and observe. Then, make your moves accordingly.
Best Wishes!!

OP just move out to your own house with your DC, and agree a contact schedule. It's not healthy to both be living in the same house when the relationship has ended. If you think you have a claim on the house, take him to court from the comfort of your new house.

At no point did I say he was obliged to house his child's mother. I was replying to a poster who said he had no obligation to house the OP's child, who is also HIS OWN child. Which is bullshit.

The advice isn’t wrong though. She may have a claim if she can prove she has a beneficial interest. It’s not a fix all by any means litigation is expensive and unpleasant and risky as you might lose.

A cautionary tale indeed. Forget the marriage bit - be completely independent.

Ensure that you have a decent job with good career prospects, save for a deposit and buy your own house, in your own name. Do this and women don’t need to worry about ‘marriage is just a piece of paper’. It becomes irrelevant.

Basically behave like men do and look after number one first and foremost.

exactly what I suggested to him but apparently I’m “making everything worse” by not being here and also he’s said don’t dare threaten him with 2 overnights per week as he wants 50/50

Well who cares if he thinks it's making everything worse. He's your ex. He doesn't get to tell you what to do.

Of course he wants 50/50 custody as then he won't have to pay any child maintenance. He's been a manipulative shit so you'll end up with no house and no maintenance.

My friend was in your position, unmarried with children, and was advised by her own solicitor to keep things as friendly as possible (even though her DP was a nasty abusive man) to try and get a fair settlement as legally she was entitled to nothing.

Quite, as I’ve said to him too. But ultimately I still feel at his mercy.

I do make good money however it’s very varied some months can be 15k others 3.5. It’s hard to gauge.

Wow, he really is a piece of work isn’t he!

Time to move out and do your own thing in an environment that is less stressful. Whether you move out now or wait, he is going to do everything he can to shaft you and want you may be entitled to. Move out, offer him 50/50, which he probably won’t do anyway. Put in a claim for CMS and let your solicitor fight for the equity that you should be entitled to.

Solicitor here. I’m not in that area of family law directly but a very similar vein.

The advice is technically correct it’s under Schedule 1 of the Child Act 1989 it’s an underused piece of legislation in my opinion

It’s what Lauren Goodyear used to claim against that footballer.

However, unless the individual has a high worth, the equity arguing about it would be used up by legal fees usually.

Can I ask @LL1991 if this view is based on the op as an unmarried woman, who is not documented on the deeds/mortgage?

No judge will allow him not to pay child support.

Hope you have a very, very good solicitor though since you don't have a written agreement and your name isn't on the house.

Get as much of the equity as you can. Sign anything he comes up with to get that. Agreements to forgo child maintenance are not usually enforceable so you can argue about that later.

Once you have it, tell him that you've been thinking and since he's settled in the house, you think there's an argument for him being your DC's main carer and you'll do EOW. So he'll have to adjust his work schedule accordingly and you'll pay (paltry) CM.

Sound like you mean it. Nothing will bring him to negotiating a sensible contact schedule more quickly than saying this.

This is why you don’t let someone put off getting married or signing mortgage/deeds paperwork for years for those who say it’s just a piece of paper. If someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He was obviously doing it for this reason. Marriage protects you. You would have also been entitled to some of his pension and savings.
I would try to gather any evidence you can to show you contributed to the house and hope you get enough to start again. I would not be agreeing to anything regarding child maintenance linked to it. He should be paying that regardless! And your child is young so years to come.