Oh just F off!!!

[ChicJoker]

first post (long time lurker)
I’ve just about had it with now-ex DP.

I ended the relationship recently for reasons I won’t go into in order to remain neutral. Basically I’ve been unhappy. Tried to end previously a few times and essentially got guilt tripped into continuing the relationship by family’s “oh but he’s such a good man” “oh but he ticks all the boxes” combined with DP upset/sulking.

this fairytale little character that my family (and in fairness, I) had in mind has turned into a petty, bitter, fucking arse. I can’t deal with it. I tried so hard to be friends, maintain health copwrenting relationship, include him, talk as normal etc.

he’s being petty about everything but mostly equity from the house. Basically saying if he’s giving me a percentage of the equity he’s not paying child maintenance. Claims me buying a house is not his problem and therefore doesn’t want to split the equity enough to cover a decent deposit for me.

communication has completely broken down, he’s arsey with me because I can’t stand to be in the house and therefore am making myself scarce as much as possible. We have 1 DS6. Equally he’s not telling me whether he’s coming or going. Went out to visit his DF earlier, called at 5pm to see where he is/what his plans where he told me he was going to make his way home now (2 hours ago and they live around the corner) I was waiting for him to be home with dc so that I could run some errands (too late now). He’s deliberately trying to not communicate with me about very important things. He’s hindered school pick ups a few weeks ago with some stupid actions. He’s dealing with the estate agents and I’m not being told a single thing about it.

house is solely in his name but I’ve been advised if I can prove I’ve contributed to the mortgage im entitled to equity, also that he has to house DC until 18 and as he cannot be resident parent I would have to remain in the family home.

im actually going out of my mind with the 24/7 atmosphere, intensified by the fucking Xmas period where no admin can be done and I can’t get the ball rolling.

how can I stay calm? AIBU to tell him to fuck right off? I’m seeing him in such a different light I just want OUT without being controlled and surveilled! I’ve genuinely been screaming into pillows he’s being such a TWAT.

I also have 0 support from my family as they are very “team DP” (extremely dated anti-feminist views and can’t possibly understand WHY I would be unhappy with such an outstanding man) he has a great family. The bravest thing I’ve ever done was leave but ultimately I WAS UNHAPPY regardless of reasons. He thinks he’s had the bad deal hence the bitterness however I’ve left myself extremely vulnerable

The more I read your posts OP, the more I don't believe that you've received paid for professional legal advice.

Do you mind telling us why you're not on the mortgage.

This did make me LOL 🤣. He thinks he can do 50/50 but due to his off shore role he couldn’t. Aside from other reasons he couldn’t be the resident parent.

IANAL and can't comment on the law but does this actually mean you could get your money back, as opposed to having equity in the house? I don't think those are the same thing.

Don’t do that.

She won't get an occupation order.

No one has mentioned Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989 yet. I hope that came up in your legal conversation, OP.

Have you registered your home rights with the land Registry? That’s the number one action I remember being told to take.

Yeah, that’s completely pointless these days too. I tried

The feeling of having to tread carefully to avoid a big legal battle is suffocating. I feel at his mercy even though I’ve been advised otherwise. The legal battle would swallow up half his precious equity anyway!

ultimately I will be fine regardless, but my god the feeling of wanting to immediately cut ties and having somebody drag it out is excruciating

Was the solicitor under the impression you are married?

Since you aren't, you have no claim on his assets. Essentially you were a paying lodger. That you are co parents and former boyfriend/girlfriend is irrelevant.

Don't waste money chasing after his equity. Save it to establish your future life and apply for CMS.

This is why women are advised to get married before having children. It's not "just a piece of paper." Why on earth didn't you??

You really can't be sure of this. I don't know why you aren't married, but unless he was willing to and it was you who refused, he has been careful not to make any legally binding financial commitments to you. Even now he's trying to find a way not to pay money that he actually owes your child, not you. And we know he's a twat overall, so I would not assume you can trust anything he says. Be crystal clear on what the solicitor is telling you...I think you may be misunderstanding some of the details.

Completely agree, although being married isnt as much protection as you might think either.
Bottom line is CMS is the main ongoing obligation.
House will cost you £50,000 to fight for the only winners are the lawyers. Who will of course tell you to “fight”
Get any lump sum you can and then go to the CMS

We aren’t married because he didn’t want to be. I asked for years if it was a possiblity and it was always “maybe one day” it got to a point where we were already “all in” so at the time I thought what’s the point. I tried to leave years ago and he cried on his knees saying he wanted to marry me etc etc. obviously never but by that point I was checked out anyway.

he generally is everything you would want in a man on paper (though I just never felt happy as the attraction went for me). Or so I thought. This is a side I’ve never seen before and my family are implying I’m exaggerating as “he’d never do that and certainly not to DS he’s the best dad ever”

Direct quote from my mother earlier:

”well if he’s having DS 2-3 nights per week I don’t know why the hell you think you should get a single penny he’s doing his share”. DP wants 50/50 but again, not possible because of work as well as medical reasons.

This thread should be a cautionary tale to all women, especially the ‘marriage is just a piece of paper’ lot.

OP, you need a shit hot lawyer.

If he still wants to be with you, I'd get back together with him on the proviso he immediately puts you on the mortgage.

Then I'd fucking leave him.

Calculating yes but otherwise you are in danger of getting little to nothing.

Realistically speaking you need to look at getting your own place, try and see if he'll release some equity so you can put down a deposit?

With mothers like this, who needs enemies?

I’m starting to see why you thought you were worth so little, OP.

Well done for getting out.

You can claim that you have a beneficial
interest but you have to prove this and you could accrue significant legal costs in proving your claim. Why on earth did you not document your interest in the property at the very least or if you didn’t go this or get married? Youve put yourself in a very weak position.

Ah yes there was also “well you’ve got what you wanted now you’re single” and “I can’t see you ever being happy I think you’ve made a big mistake”

also lots of “there there” phone calls to him because he’s hurting. Big bad me has prioritised my own feelings over his.

OP would need to demonstrate she has a beneficial interest in the home before making a claim under TOLATA or the FLA 1996 (for an occupation order)

it is not straight forward, particularly when there is no written documentation. You’d have a fight on your hands.

only other option would be schedule 1 children act, which is also tricky.

Hi, ex family law paralegal here. What you have said about contributing to the property and being able to claim equity in return is true, hopefully you are able to show that you have paid for home improvements, regular bill payments (utilities), ideally a standing order towards mortgage payments and some form of proof of discussion that you were transferring money for mortgage (texts where he says "mortgage due tomorrow, can you transfer your bit?" etc). Fingers crossed there is something of the above!

However, the family courts are often reluctant to create long term commitments between ex-partners and that's where you may not be able to argue as efficiently for staying in the family home until DS is 18, or for asking for contributions to mortgage payments until that age either (sorry if I've misunderstood what you are asking for!).

With DS being only 6 it is more likely that the family courts would order the sale of the property (if one party disagrees but it sounds like you guys are already going down that road) and then want you to sign a consent order to agree the split of the proceeds of the sale. With there being 12 more years to go until DS is 18 it is highly likely that if this went to court a Judge would be looking for a clean break with regards to the existing pot of money - split between you now - and then would look to make some agreement with regards to child maintenance.

I appreciate that you have spoken to a law firm already and there are scant instances where longer term agreements can be ordered by the courts in relation to housing so they've not misadvised. But these are often where there are special circumstances (sick or special needs children who cannot be uprooted, children in the midst of important exams, etc) and they should have made this clear. I'd set your sights on gaining equity now rather than hoping to make some long term agreement. You wouldn't want that anyway if he's already being hard work.
I hope this info helps. Get ploughing through your previous messages and hopefully you can find useful chats that help you gain a chunk of the equity from the sale!!

Stop discussing it with your mother if she isn't being supportive.

Thank you very much this is extremely helpful

Yeah doesn’t quite work that way with a narcissist. Aside from the fact exdp and her are now gossiping every day