Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

Wow, what a hypocritical, controlling, tight arse bitch she sounds. why doesn't she follow the 4 rules for her own gifts... fkn hypocrite. As others have said you can follow the 4 rules and give better presents.
Who gives their kids slime and goggles as their main xmas present, they're stocking fillers, unless they were really struggling for money, which she definitely isn't, and to not let them bring the presents home.
she sounds awful. She sounds a krank.
thank god the kids have more normal presents from you. I feel sorry for them with a mother like that. But you'll get a lot of hate on here just because you're a man, there's a lot of bitter women around on MN.

Wow, what a hypocritical, controlling, tight arse bitch

she sounds awful. She sounds a krank

I feel sorry for them with a mother like that

But you'll get a lot of hate on here…because you're a man

😂😂😂😭😭😭😭😭😭

I am in the US and was talking over this post with a friend last night. She ascribes to my version of the 4 gifts.

My friend also caught something most of us missed. It isn't the ex's home - It's the children's home that she is allowed to reside in until the youngest reaches the age of majority. Then it will be sold. Dad is still paying the mortgage.

I see why you’re divorced! Is she controlling in all aspects? Unfortunately, she the thinks she’s right, she’s not, and so will dig her heels in. When the kids complain about not having their favorite things, perhaps she will relent. So sorry you have to deal with this.

This is very weird. I have no idea what my ex H gave our daughter for Christmas and wouldn’t ever discuss it with him, before or after the day.

Your ex wife sounds very controlling.

What you buy your DCs and
any ‘gift buying ethos’ is none of her business but as you have 50/50 custody your gifts ought to stay in your home. My ExH regularly bought my DD gifts that he attempted to pack them off home with … he had zero consideration that my home was at storage capacity while he maintained a bachelor pad that had no evidence he was a Father at all.

I can see why she's your ex! Please update on Sunday if she continues her stance on this or not, hopefully not as its the DC that will be most upset by it.
My EXH bought my DS a drum kit for Christmas, I assume to piss me off, but I've honestly enjoyed watching him play with it as it's given him so much joy. However even if I hated it, its not about me it's about my son

My friend also caught something most of us missed. It isn't the ex's home - It's the children's home that she is allowed to reside in until the youngest reaches the age of majority. Then it will be sold. Dad is still paying the mortgage.

Under his eye.

i didn't miss it, and i don't think he was explicit about if he is paying the mortgage on the family home, or if its his own mortgage he is paying on where he lives now.. he just said the agreement was the family home was hers until the kids were adults and would then be sold.

There is nothing sinister about that, its quite a common agreement in divorce settlements.

im sure she is free to move out if she doesn't like it.

She’s far too controlling. What a fun sponge she is. I think your Christmas sounds lovely. I can’t really give advice, just do what you’re doing, you’re doing nothing wrong.

I'm not impressed with 4 gifts only inc clothing etc she sounds mad, the kids will want to stay with you full time, is it a consideration in the future, she will only have herself to blame.

Without her children? Right,

what is wrong with people on this thread!!

I don’t think the poster was suggesting the arrangement was sinister , I think she was trying to suggest that ex doesn’t have a right to any boundaries in her home because it’s not really her house, it belongs to the children and she’s just “allowed” to stay there through the generosity of OP,

100% this! We had some wackadoodle demands over the years which all ultimately stem from the facts she perceived them as ‘her children’ and my husband is an annoying interference who babysits them 50% of the time.

I wouldn’t ever talk badly about her to them, but rather say to her: I understand we do things differently but we have always been fluid with the things that go between houses, I won’t tell them they aren’t allowed to bring them. However if you wish to discuss this with them either on the phone, in advance or during your days then I would find that disappointing but respect your decision.

Also, is the gf relatively new/new as in a Christmas addition- could any of this stem from a dislike over her involvement with the children?

We always said to the kids that having your parents divorce is pants but you do get two lots of gifts at Christmas and birthdays - there are few benefits but this is one!

Just tell her that as an ex, she can no longer dictate what the kids do and have on your time. Her time is none of your business and your time is none of her business. You exist in each others lives to co-parent, not dictate what the other HAS to do

You tell me, because i didn't say anything about without the children.

it doesn't belong to the children though. It's a marital asset that under normal circumstances in a divorce would be sold and split, but they have agreed that rather than uproot the kids, to let her and the kids stay there until they're adults, and THEN sell it.

Yes I understand. I was just trying to explain that pp’s point as I understood it. She wrote:

”It isn't the ex's home - It's the children's home that she is allowed to reside in..”

Tell her the kids can pick four gifts each from you to bring home with them as is right. That means they can pick the best things to take both places.

what a bitch to try to dictate when and how her kids have joy.

@As78 … disappearing is not good MN etiquette!

Unless the EXW has seen the post…

I think you need to start documenting every incident/ohonecal/text message etc. so if things get worse you’ve gone t like a diary 📔 f what happened when. Just the date, time, where the interaction was eg on your doorstep, by phone (who phoned who) etc. then you’ve a diary of events to help you if things get really bad. Make sure you write down who was doing the shouting etc and which kids were about and the effect on them. That 4 present rule is stupid by the way. Me and my husband do without if necessary to give his son a nice Christmas. We do try and buy educational stuff like board games that help their counting and reasoning. And also when he was littler switch games with some reading in it as it helped his reading develop.

i have step children I love to bits but I came into their lives when they were too old and the damage was done. Keep track of what’s happening and if things get even more crazy and upsetting see a lawyer. You sound like a god man, I’m glad your children have you. Can recommend some good family games - we do the usual monopoly and Lydia but have found cooperative games which are great for kids with too much friction already. Basically in a cooperative games which are either every one wins or everyone dies. Give me a shout if you fancy recommendations and the very best of luck to you all

quite. there's nothing wrong with the four gifts guideline, if the presents are BETTER. and if there's a stocking of fun, silly bits too.
but the want and the need being a tub of slime and goggles! that's stingy as hell, unless you really can't afford more than that.

sounds like she's jealous that they're enjoying your presents more than hers, and there's no bloody wonder that they are.

I can see both sides of this. Her issue is that all the gift giving with you is undermining her gift giving approach. I can understand her gift giving approach….. Christmas has become consumeristic and excessive and involves so much waste which isn’t sustainable and doesnt help our environment. I also am saddened by photos on social media of ridiculous piles of gifts stacked high when so many others have so little. I also wouldn’t want a horse full of clutter from other folks gifts. This is a first world issue to be sure.

Maybe to compromise you could agree 4 gifts each and loosen the rules around what they are. Maybe keep the gifts at your house …. With only one special item going to hers each time. If it’s 50/50 care I can’t see why all gifts need to go to her house?

I agree her rules don’t apply to your parenting…. You can do what you want. But your gift approach will affect and undermine her gift approach and will ultimately affect the kids. Reaching some middle ground would be best for the kids if at all possible.

Your approach to Christmas sounds perfect and her approach sounds utterly miserable. I would tell them to keep the large toys at your home as something to look forward to when they are at yours and let them do what they want with the smaller bits. It would be ridiculous of her to not allow your daughter to take her skincare as most people like to stick to the same products. Stay calm and ultimately they will probably vote with their feet.