Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

Ultimately, it’s up to the parents how they handle gift-giving, and I don’t feel it’s my place to judge. That said, I think your ex-wife is being quite unfair. She’s entitled to make her own choices, but so are you. My ex and I discuss gifts for the kids, and luckily we are generally on the same page in regards to Christmas. I could be wrong but it seems that your ex’s actions seem more about control and could hurt the kids in the long run. If she keeps this up, she may risk distancing herself from them as they get older. I’d try to discuss this one more time for the kids sake, encourage her to reconsider and think about the impact on the children. If it bothers her that much then maybe she isn’t as happy with her gift approach as she seems to be.

She's obviously being very unreasonable and I'm assuming that she is motivated by resentment of you and the poor children are caught in the fall out. She doesn't have any right to make demands about what you buy the children for Christmas but unfortunately she can stop them bringing said items into her house. I would be honest with the children and let her deal with them being angry and upset with her. If she carries on like this she will alienate them to the point where they won't want to spend time at her house. Is the 50/50 custody court-ordered?

Skin care products are hardly clutter that's going to take up loads of space.
If the kids can't keep their things at home it's not really home, is it. I can't imagine telling my kids they can't bring their most treasured possessions into their home. Of course there might have to be discussions about storage or getting rid of older toys.

Unless it's a dog or a pony or a trampoline obviously

Also how can the OP possibly declutter his ex's house?

Tbh I don't think it's resentment, we split when she was pregnant with put youngest, she had gradually started to change, her values changed etc. I know it's mad but that ridiculous youtube family she follows has a big part to play in the way she's behaving. Yes 50/50 is court ordered, she didn't want to go through the court but I wanted it to be official as wanted to make sure I'd always have equal access to them

OP, I think your ex wife sounds like a fun sponge. My DD is 9, can’t imagine her waking up to a tshirt, book, slime and goggles Christmas morning. How miserable.
I get Christmas is expensive but that just sounds completely shit.

You sound kind and level headed and a fab dad to your kids. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t let anyone change that xx

@As78 dont know why mum would go daft at an ipad! my grandaughter needed one when she went to a new school at 10 years old. they all have to use them in class!

I'm one of the four gifts person, but far more substantial than those she chose. My choices were - when my youngest was twelve he got expensive trainers, the want; tablet, the need; leather team jacket, the wearable; a set of graphic novel series, the read.

You don't have to do cheap without setting up unreasonable expectations for the future.

@mainecooncatonahottinroof

A young teen boy that willingly showers twice a day? Pull the other one lol!

DS spends around 30 mins every evening in the shower & wears really nice after shave - Bleu de Chanel, Paco Rabanne. All his friends wear expensive cologne & don’t have Lynx. He's 15 & it seems quite common among his friend group.

Kids are all asleep. I'm not going to discuss it with ex wife anymore, she can come here on Sunday and deal with the fall out of it all. They aren't spoiled children , they each cleared out a box of toys in november to make way for new ones at Christmas, they are just little kids with a normal amount of toys at my house. Luckily it's my turn to have them Christmas day next year.

We teach kids not to bully or be mean yet there is grown bloody adults on this thread being nasty and snobby about children having some lynx, bloody ridiculous.

“Going against her wishes” - she’s acting like you’re a babysitter, not an equal parent.

It’s always hard when you’re divorced of course, but each parent just has to try and realise that the other one will have their own way of doing things (as it sounds like you are).

The only thing I wondered is if she’s worried about her gifts being overshadowed by yours - does she have a much lower income than yours? I know she still can’t dictate to you, but it would explain things a bit.

Re the taking things back to hers, you can’t force her to let them, but it does seem a shame.

Sounds crappy for the kids. If she keeps this up then they will all ask to live with you 100% of the time. At around age 12, a judge would deem a child capable of deciding how much contact they had with each parent.

She's very wealthy, has a lot of money and also lives in the family home that has been fully paid off, she never used to be like this, she used to buy the kids Christmas mugs and pjs, she'd get them personalised gifts and big items like play kitchens, she started watching a youtube family some years ago who do the 4 gift thing and from that point on she's followed that way of gift giving. I've no issue with the 4 gift thing but slime and pens as their only real present is very poor in my opinion

Some of you are shamefully trying to convince yourselves that the OP is a bad father just because he’s divorced basically.

If this was a post from a mum about a dad, you’d all be tearing him apart, what a terrible, selfish bastard he is blah blah blah!

Sexism works both ways!

The op sounds like a kind and loving father, that’s not to suggest the mother isn’t loving just because she gave less presents at Christmas but come on, she’s just being spiteful here and throwing her kids under a bus to try and prove a point against her ex-husband because she sees it as him making her look bad. That’s on her, she can’t expect him to gift his children no more than a t shirt and fucking swimming goggles because that’s what suits her. Not to mention trying to dictate what other family members gift the kids too!

i can see why you aren't with her 🙄

Thank you. Her parents used to buy the kids a big item for Christmas, like scooters or bikes, ride on toys or a bug garden item, they are still allowed to buy the kids a gift but it has to be clothing or books, she may allow them to get the kids something small like bubbles or paint

It's sad really as we used to have a great marriage and had many happy Christmas days together. It's sad how things can end up like this

Not really your place though? Your whole thread is her sticking her nose in on your Christmas yet hers is fair game to tear apart? I like her gift giving rules. I also like your fun ideas. Just accept you’ll have to look after the monkeys half the week.

You decided to buy the tech. It stays at yours.

I've kept my mouth shut for years about her ways whilst she's screamed and shouted and tried to bully me in to giving the kids only 4 gifts. I'll happily keep the gifts here but unfortunately for her that means the kids will also want to be here full time with me. I'm not tearing her Christmas apart but I can't agree with her sitting there on Christmas day with her brand new range rover, a bundle of gifts from the kids and more gifts from her partner whilst the kids got a t shirt and shitty tub of slime, what self respecting mother gives their kid slime whilst sitting opening expensive presents for herself

@As78 just keep the gifts at yours, as if they go to her house the will some how get damaged or broke just to be hateful, keep being you, you sound like a great dad 4 kids are lucky to have you.

Other than the Christmas stuff do you otherwise get on with her ok? Is she a good mum? If so I'd not choose this as a hill to die on. Just tell your kids that mum says to leave your toys here and they can play with them again when they come back. You can't force her to accept those things in her house anymore than she can force you not to buy them.

Honestly I don't know, the way she's been shouting and screaming down the phone at me and purposely upsetting the kids by not allowing them to bring presents home is making me see her in a whole new light. I can't get over her sitting with a brand new range rover and opening her pile of gifts in front of the kids whilst all they got was a t shirt and slime, this has definitely strained our relationship.

Have to say I'm Team Dad here too. My late Aunt once fell out with my dear late Nana, who went to see her before Christmas to make peace and when she arrived wouldn't let her cross the threshold, snatched the offered presents for my cousins out of her hands and put them straight in the bin before slamming the door.

This was in the 70s and my Nana wasn't exactly well off. She was so very hurt. There was no huge relevant back story, said Aunt was just incredibly difficult with everyone.

Ever since then I couldn't make things like this a battleground, life's too damn short and even though I loathed my exDH, I couldn't let that get in the way of happy times for my DS.

As a complete aside, and not really relevant - Fuck me, how much is a Range Rover???????!!!!!!!

It's sad how families can fall out like this with one another. The one she has is over 80k

You've done all you can really. You can only control what you do not what other people do. She can't control you buying gifts and you can't control her complaining. You can do boundaries which you've tried to set but you also need to follow through ie not reply to texts or hang up the phone if she tried to talk about it again after you tell her to please stop it.
She's entitled to not want lots of extra 'stuff' in her house but shelll have to enforce that herself with the kids you don't need to get involved in policing what they pack if it's her rule not yours.
Just ignore her, basically.