Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

I wouldn't be accepting more screens and computer consoles into my home without some sort of conversation first either. Screen time with teens and children can be a right battle and I would really begrudge more fucking screens appearing that I then had to manage and regulate. I don't see a problem with any of the other gifts though. I also don't see a problem with your ex wanting to be less driven by consumerism and materialistic items too. Both are valid choices really.

I wonder what she’d say re all the expensive gifts she got compared to what she got for the dc? Hardly comparable to her 4 gift idea. It’s very petty of her to say they can’t bring presents back to hers. This seems to be more about your relationship with her than her slavishly following some YouTubers who have triple the amount of kids you have, possibly financially motivated in their case because they would be too stretched trying to get 12 children iPads etc.

This is why she is your ex. She’s nuts.

You are doing the right thing. Keep doing it.

She's batshit!!

I'm a little surprised the 12 year old hasnt called or texted her mum to complain about this. At the end of the day, parents (male or female) who go down these you tube crazy influencer routes often damage their own relationships as a result. This is probably what will happen here with her and the dc.

There's always one user who suggests SS whether it's a dad or a mum.

Posters are always recommended to make the Dad take them to court for custody so why is it a bad thing when a Dad actually does that? Surely it's sensible to have it done legally so that nobody can be messed around either way?

Say it was your child who was opening up some slime or some pens and your ex husband had a brand new RR and was opening up really expensive gifts, there is no way you wouldn't be pissed off with that.

You can't always avoid a fall out. Just make it clear to her that your rulenis that stuff can go between houses as the kids see fit because itsnl their stuff. You're happy for her to have a different rule amd to keep the stuff at your house but, it's her choice and she needs to tell the kids, otherwise it will be going home with them.l because you simply won't raise the matter. If that ends in a doorstep shouting match, so be it

^this is assuming that you would be happy to have full residency at some point, otherwise its just sending them home to an atmosphere and you'll be winning the battles at the cost of losing the war because your kids will remember all the fights and perhaps grow up to think you enjoyed winding mum up. If you'd never be prepared to have them full time, I'd just say mum wants you to keep it here for now but if that changes they can of course take it next time.

Surely it's sensible to have it done legally so that nobody can be messed around either way?

No. I don’t think it’s a good thing at all to go to court if there’s any way it can be avoided. This is the courts’ position as well- that’s why they mandate mediation. Court should absolutely not be the default, but rather the very last resort in family arrangements . Furthermore, 50/50 arrangements tend to only work in the best interests of children if there’s a really good relationship/ close cooperation between parents. A 50/50 arrangement with high levels of conflict between parents can be so hard on children.

Tbh they live between houses so no issue. Mon rues weds at mums rest time at yours? So they have the rest of the week.and the time at their mums is without. Whilst at mums they talk on and on about an iPad and switch and how they can't wait to go back to dad's. She will cave guaranteed

I never quite buy these posts from men, that portray themselves as 'The Best Dad Ever' with a crazy ex. With loads of Mnetters falling over themselves to tell him what a wonderful father he is and how awful the ex is.

I don't think the 4 gifts thing is that terrible, definitely not child cruelty and a SS issue 🙄, it's just a different way of doing things.

Sure, ex telling the co-parent what they can buy etc isn't great, but there's no need for all this drama.

I think both OP are the ex need to stop the childish one-upmanship and put their children first.

I'll be honest , for the sake of kids, I would've sent her an email or text reminding her that you will be doing things differently and then asked her to choose if she'd want the kids to bring 4 items home or just their favourite one. Well before in advance so there was some clarity and at least some vague understanding/agreement of what's happening next.

What's done is done though, and now it's about letting things calm down and having a sensible, non confrontational conversation to try and reach a compromise. One of you needs to be the sensible adult and try to smooth this situation over, rather than escalating things and causing an all mighty rift. If that person has to be you, so be it. I would still give her the choice and hope she can be reasonable. If she keeps the hard line of no gifts going to her house, you'll have to accept that and while you can tell the kids the truth , you can also try and smooth things over with them, because at the end of the day it's them who suffer.

It's irrelevant who is the better/saner parent.

P.S. As an aside, the youtube family might follow the 4 rule, but it's never as miserly as slime, tshirt , goggles , book. So for whatever reason , she took this guidance to the extreme.

and while you can tell the kids the truth , you can also try and smooth things over with them, because at the end of the day it's them who suffer.
It's irrelevant who is the better/saner parent.

This.

You don't tell the dc they aren't allowed to take their possessions to their other home, or you frame it as a sorry guys but mum has a message for you, you are not allowed to take your present from here back to your mums house. Don't worry though they will all be safe here and when you're here you can use play with them etc

This isn't healthy to have one parent trying to control how the other parent behaves and it not parenting together

ultimately she will alienate the children, make life difficult for them and upset them

Try to make life as easy for the children with this situation, don't say anything untoward about this to the children - if they moan just say well I'm sure your mum has her own reasons for this.

Is there anything you dislike about her parenting that you'd like to change - maybe use that as an example to this ex as what you put up with but don't want to control

Agreed. I am not buying it, sounds like a typical Disney Dad to me. I bet there’s just a few little bits he’s missed out telling us here.

She cannot dictate your gift giving policy. What a flipping nerve!

That said, I don't know how you'll be able to get round it. Someone on here once said a therapist advised her to use some non-inflammatory words which I thought were really good when I saw them but I forget the best example now. The only one that's stuck with me is that she says " noted" when her ex tries to lay down the law. There's better wording than that though. Don't budge, just try to say something bland and move on. Best wishes.

Wow. A father comes on here asking how he does his best for his kids in a situation like this - created solely by his ex - and still gets called a Disney dad. Men really can’t win here can they ?

I don’t think OP is trying to portray himself as the best dad ever. He asked for advice in his opening post and responded to some inevitably intrusive and irrelevant questions from other posters. I don’t think the four gifts thing is particularly terrible in normal circumstances but ex seems to have used it as an excuse to be a miser to her kids at Christmas and try to control what OP does.

Sorry folks - but you are all being had. This paragon of virtue does not exist and neither does his wife. The toys, however, do.

Oh yes the poor OP who has had the vast , vast majority of responders on this thread blowing smoke up his arse about what an amazing dad he is, and validating his perspective that his ex is just another batshit crazy bitch. Poor men. What a rough lot they have in life.

I think anyone who follows advice on how to bring up kids from a Youtuber is definitely going down the 'batshit crazy' path.

(Qualified experts may be an exception but this doesn't sound like that)

Lots of people do the 4 gifts thing- it’s regularly suggested on mumsnet! There’s nothing wrong with taking a less materialistic approach to gift giving, or getting parenting tips from social media; hardly makes someone batshit crazy, any more than buying your kid an iPad , and getting your gf to pick out skin care products makes you the worlds greatest dad.

And there's nothing wrong with not following the 4 gift rule. Where did OP claim to be the world's greatest dad? I must have missed that. Parenting tips from social media from experts or qualified people is not the same as taking tips from a crazy Youtuber. Some of these people are unhinged.

It's not all about you, you know.

And there's nothing wrong with not following the 4 gift rule

Sure. And that is why no one on this thread is calling OP batshit crazy for his choice of Christmas gifts. Nor should they.

You are being as rude about her Xmas gift giving as she is about yours.
Do you have a larger house?
My ex is often buying enormous cuddly toys that end up at mine. I have put my foot down.
You left when she was pregnant but do the Disney dad thing and have a gf. I can see where her annoyance comes from. Your 50/50 - is it actually or do you do weekends and she does most of the grunt word side of parenting?
You both need a bit more respect for the other tbh.