Husband doesn’t want me working part time even though we can afford it

[ThatFunRubyHelper]

DH and I don’t have children yet. He makes a good salary working full time, and it’s possible for us to live from his salary but I work full time and contribute too.

I would really like to work part time as I want more time to properly clean the house, and spend time making healthy meals for us from scratch. On the weekends I don’t feel like I have enough time to properly rest too. I get tired quite easily and I’m honestly so exhausted from my work, on top of a few hours commute everyday. My DH is pretty energetic so doesn’t have this issue.

I’ve spoken about this to DH and he’s told me that he wants to send me abroad to a country where people work 11 hours a day 6 days a week to see what tired really looks like(then later claims he was joking). So I don’t have much understanding from him!

Am I being unreasonable to want to work part time?

YABU. Most people would rather work part time, unless you can afford to support yourself to do that then the answer is no.

You aren't unreasonable to want to work part-time, you are unreasonable to expect someone else to pay for it when it's not for a reason like childcare. Two adults don't require someone working part-time to clean and make dinner. You just don't want to work, which is fine, but your husband doesn't want to pay for it, which is also fine.

Why don't you both work part-time, you can then carryout equal amount of domestics.

Just a thought.

I think it's really hard to know if you're being unreasonable. In the 50s you would have been expected to do this. I don't know how tired you are. I don't think the healthy meals from scratch thing holds up as a reason - there are many healthy meals you can batch cook or make in a slow cooker or use one of the boxed thingies. Also, if you're this solvent you really must get a cleaner as you're pouring precious energy away on the house in addition to which he should also be cleaning. Bear in mind that you'll be more vulnerable if you work less. I think you might have an idea in your head and the reality might be very different. But a long commute isn't ideal if your energy levels are low. Perhaps get a blood test to check you're not low on something.

You want your DH to support you financially while you scupper your future pension, damage your promotion / pay rise prospects / reduce the level of maternity pay you get , etc etc?

Too tired to work full time? Have you checked out your health?

Is your commute ridiculously long and tiring? Can that be addressed somehow?

The point PpS make about equal amount of domestic work and household admin is valid. Does he pull his weight?

Honestly if we were young enough to be pre-kids and my DH wanted to work p/t while I supported him I would be unimpressed.

Unless there were health issues or we were unimaginably wealthy

I think that nails it. What he said was horrible but if you split the chores equally you expecting to work part time is unreasonable.

It's a bit different for a woman who knows she will be taken out be maternity leave anyway.

No her husband is unreasonable.

Nothing wrong with asking and he might have been happy enough.
It sounds as if he does not have the ability to empathise with your tiredness. Chronic tiredness is a thing, anything from differing amounts of energy in different people to long term disorders. Getting a diagnosis is not always easy and may take patience and an ability to advocate for yourself.
You are doing three lots of things, actually working hours, commuting and housework. DH doesn’t want you to cut your working hours, can you change jobs or wfh to reduce the commute? If he doesn’t do 50% of housework now then get him to do that.
Keep a diary of your health so you have an idea of what is going on and a record of hours spent on each kind of task.
While you are getting tests etc. and possibly cutting commute you will have time to evaluate how any changes are going. After a few months you will hopefully know more and be better placed to make decisions. You go part time, you both go down one day a week or fortnight and each have time for house, rest, leisure pursuits.

Thank you for the replies.

I have been meaning to see the GP for some time but just never got round to it, for my low energy levels.

Exactly. If you are too lazy to work full time. Why should he. Don't be a scrounger

I live alone so do all the house stuff, admin stuff etc myself. I'd feel ridiculous for going part time because I'm tired.

I also don't understand why you think you get this choice and your partner will just finance it as a lifestyle choice.

If you don't want to work full time, and can afford not to, then you are not unreasonable.

If you can only afford part time because DH would be picking up the extra financial responsibility, then it's unreasonable.

Also, if I did work part time I would not take a penny off my DH. He would not have to pick up any extra financial responsibility because of me.

You don’t say you do mega hours so I think seeing the doc is the thing to do.

You can’t expect him to work FT and you not, cos you want to make good money right now, and build your earning power, so you can go PT when your kids are pre-school - it’s easier to make PT work for you when you are a bit higher up the ladder.

Make sure he does his fairshare of cooking, and get a cleaner.

Women have been working FT, running a home AND rearing children for decades.........what suddenly changed? Get a grip.

Really? So you’d be able to still be your part of all the bills in full? Pay your part of all holidays/days out/nights out/events/presents etc in full exactly the same as you do now on a part time wage?

Exactly.

I imagine his sympathy wouldn't extend to you in pregnancy or newborn fatigue, no doubt because "there are women in Africa raising 11 children" 🙄

Well that's never a guarantee is it? You can never be sure what might suddenly need doing in the house for example e.g. new roof or if you unexpectedly have triplets instead of 1 baby. Life isn't predictable so yeah your DH would have more of a financial responsibility if you went part time even if you don't anticipate that he will. It's utterly selfish.

This x100

Also, don't let yourself become dependent on a man.

Take a look around at all the "he'll never leave me" newly single women who are now struggling to resume careers after being blindsided by the man they thought would financially support them indefinitely.

Exactly this. Plus, pension. By working part time you’ll have less to retire on, so he’d be picking up the slack then.

Yeah but you are building your joint financial future - so whether directly or not you will be taking money off him.

It makes sense to earn more now so you can a) get your savings in order and get to a decent level so you can work PT effectively when you have pre school kids.

if you are too tired to work FT now, you do need to sort that out pre kids, because you will be flat on your back.

The second sentence in your OP talked about his salary and how it meant you didn't really need to work.

Oh, fuck, sorry, OP - I thought he doesn't want you to work EVEN part time, as my very generous husband of 20 years once "set up".
If not a joke, ditch this bastard and don't look back.
I see you have no children, like myself, should be easier.
I'm babbling here, so much outrageous stuff lately!!!
😳😡

If I were him, I would have second thoughts about having children with you.. as not only would you likely not contribute financially to them but also you might be conveniently too tired for night wakings and taking the kids to the playground etc