Page 16 | Husband doesn’t want me working part time even though we can afford it

Betchyaby · 30/12/2024 12:38

JHound · 29/12/2024 13:16

I can believe there are differences but none which prevent men learning to adequately provide childcare or use a washing machine.

And of course those are just average differences.

The variation within groups is far greater than the variation between them.

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I never suggested the differences prevented either sex from learning to do anything.

I'd also point out that I do believe society views men and women differently, for example we don't see many half naked men prancing around at sporting events, it is deemed more acceptable to be a SAHM rather than a SAHD.

However, I believe it is naïve to suggest these things stem solely from societal learned behaviours rather than looking back to how societal norms came about in the first place, namely with men and women being biologically different.

The variation within groups is far greater than the variation between them.
Not in the case of male and female brains.

In defence of @MumWifeOther opinions on mothers being better bonded, more intuitively aware of their child's needs etc. There is evidence to support this too.

Pregnancy Causes Lasting Changes in a Woman's Brain | Scientific American

Pregnancy Causes Lasting Changes in a Woman's Brain

New mothers showed evidence of neural remodeling up to two years after giving birth

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/pregnancy-causes-lasting-changes-in-a-womans-brain/#:~:text=A%20study%20published%20Monday%20in%20Nature%20Neuroscience%20reveals,a%20role%20in%20helping%20women%20transition%20into%20motherhood.

Desmodici · 30/12/2024 18:47

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 26/12/2024 16:51

If you are truly exhausted by a normal work schedule and ordinary chores around the house, I would recommend contacting your GP. You may have a medical issue. Otherwise it seems very odd to want to work part time just to cope with adult life.

I agree. I spent my entire life from age 7 not being able to keep up with my peers, socially, and finding school and work very difficult. I didn't get my diagnosis until I was 38.
I do work full time, now, but I do nothing at all on week nights, I eat microwave meals on week nights, I have a cleaner and a gardener, and don't have the energy for a relationship.
If you find life that tiring, see your GP, and don't let them fob you off like they did me for so many years.

PacificAtlantic · 30/12/2024 18:58

Why should he subsidise your lifestyle?
You should either both take an equal cut in hours or agree what equal finances look like and after you’ve contributed that amount a month it’s up to you how many additional hours you work for fun money.

Mumofferal3 · 30/12/2024 19:01

ThatFunRubyHelper · 26/12/2024 17:30

Also, if I did work part time I would not take a penny off my DH. He would not have to pick up any extra financial responsibility because of me.

In general, I would seriously consider what you want from life. If money is bot important to you but is to him, potentially you have different wants from life. I would not consider having kids with him from the info in this post.
I would get seen by a docand not have kids until you've sorted your energy levels. Kids take a lot of energy.

MumWifeOther · 30/12/2024 19:06

Betchyaby · 30/12/2024 12:38

I never suggested the differences prevented either sex from learning to do anything.

I'd also point out that I do believe society views men and women differently, for example we don't see many half naked men prancing around at sporting events, it is deemed more acceptable to be a SAHM rather than a SAHD.

However, I believe it is naïve to suggest these things stem solely from societal learned behaviours rather than looking back to how societal norms came about in the first place, namely with men and women being biologically different.

The variation within groups is far greater than the variation between them.
Not in the case of male and female brains.

In defence of @MumWifeOther opinions on mothers being better bonded, more intuitively aware of their child's needs etc. There is evidence to support this too.

Pregnancy Causes Lasting Changes in a Woman's Brain | Scientific American

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No matter what you post these women will not believe you. I can only imagine it’s some sort of guilt or projection but of course I don’t know.

It’s absurd to think that women (who are otherwise well) will not biologically be better placed to bond or nurture kids, no matter how wonderful the father is.

🤷🏽‍♀️

I have given up 😂

emziecy · 30/12/2024 19:15

Beezknees · 26/12/2024 17:09

I think YABU, my view is probably skewed though as I manage to work full time, be a completely lone parent and also keep my house clean and cook dinners with no outside help. If you can't do that without any children and another adult in the house you're doing something wrong.

Exactly this! I brought up 2 of my 3 boys completely alone, no father or 'village', worked full time, moved abroad with them with no job and £2k in my pocket. Im now a qualified Primary and EAL teacher and my kids are fluent in the local language. If I and others can do stuff like this then OP either has health issues or is lazy and entitled 🤷🏻‍♀️

MumWifeOther · 30/12/2024 19:35

emziecy · 30/12/2024 19:15

Exactly this! I brought up 2 of my 3 boys completely alone, no father or 'village', worked full time, moved abroad with them with no job and £2k in my pocket. Im now a qualified Primary and EAL teacher and my kids are fluent in the local language. If I and others can do stuff like this then OP either has health issues or is lazy and entitled 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Just because you did, and by all means it sounds like no mean feat and with all credit to you, it doesn’t mean that others have to adjust their expectations 🤷🏽‍♀️

Flipflop223 · 30/12/2024 19:36

ThatFunRubyHelper · 26/12/2024 16:42

DH and I don’t have children yet. He makes a good salary working full time, and it’s possible for us to live from his salary but I work full time and contribute too.

I would really like to work part time as I want more time to properly clean the house, and spend time making healthy meals for us from scratch. On the weekends I don’t feel like I have enough time to properly rest too. I get tired quite easily and I’m honestly so exhausted from my work, on top of a few hours commute everyday. My DH is pretty energetic so doesn’t have this issue.

I’ve spoken about this to DH and he’s told me that he wants to send me abroad to a country where people work 11 hours a day 6 days a week to see what tired really looks like(then later claims he was joking). So I don’t have much understanding from him!

Am I being unreasonable to want to work part time?

Oh I have to laugh. With 3 children and both of us with careers..I have to say I’m on board with your husband’s perspective on this. On a serious note..You may want to consider whether to have children. They are seriously hard work and if you’re tired now, it might not work out so well.

CrayonCritic5 · 30/12/2024 21:19

For gods sake people can be so judgemental and have absolutely no consideration for the fact that some people do get tired. Absolute shame on you all. Not everyone has the same nervous system.

OP, firstly, slow down a bit. Don’t worry about the cleaning and heathy meals when you’re working full time. And hire a cleaner right now.

Secondly, go to the doctors. Get the tired all the time tests to check for any deficiencies. But at the end of the day, not everyone is built the same. Some people are blessed with being energetic. Your DH is one of them, and he’s stubbornly not understanding that you can’t match him. So changes need to be made if the domestic chores are not 50/50.

And finally, take the time you need to rest and recharge. And if that means working a bit less, if the above changes aren’t enough, then do what you need to do for your health and wellbeing.

Suggest he’s welcome to do the same should he wish! But he can’t stop you from doing it.

Pherian · 31/12/2024 01:23

Yes you are being unreasonable. Is this a joke ?

Beezknees · 31/12/2024 09:38

CrayonCritic5 · 30/12/2024 21:19

For gods sake people can be so judgemental and have absolutely no consideration for the fact that some people do get tired. Absolute shame on you all. Not everyone has the same nervous system.

OP, firstly, slow down a bit. Don’t worry about the cleaning and heathy meals when you’re working full time. And hire a cleaner right now.

Secondly, go to the doctors. Get the tired all the time tests to check for any deficiencies. But at the end of the day, not everyone is built the same. Some people are blessed with being energetic. Your DH is one of them, and he’s stubbornly not understanding that you can’t match him. So changes need to be made if the domestic chores are not 50/50.

And finally, take the time you need to rest and recharge. And if that means working a bit less, if the above changes aren’t enough, then do what you need to do for your health and wellbeing.

Suggest he’s welcome to do the same should he wish! But he can’t stop you from doing it.

Well, he could end the relationship.

I would not be with a partner who wanted to work part time because they "get tired" to be honest, it's a cop out. Unless there was a genuine underlying condition causing it.

CrayonCritic5 · 31/12/2024 09:42

Beezknees · 31/12/2024 09:38

Well, he could end the relationship.

I would not be with a partner who wanted to work part time because they "get tired" to be honest, it's a cop out. Unless there was a genuine underlying condition causing it.

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And there will be.

LemonTT · 31/12/2024 09:45

ThatFunRubyHelper · 26/12/2024 17:30

Also, if I did work part time I would not take a penny off my DH. He would not have to pick up any extra financial responsibility because of me.

He would because you are married. Anything he buys, money he saves and pension he accrues are legally joint assets.

Melodyfair · 31/12/2024 10:00

Wow that was quite a slog of a thread, but fucking hilarious, In mumsnet land if the sexes were reversed OP would be called a cocklodger for wanting to lazily live off of their partner!

Northernparent68 · 31/12/2024 10:12

superplumb · 28/12/2024 17:46

Work out what your half of everything is..then once yiu pay that, cut your hours or get a job closer to home. He should be doing 50% of all house stuff if you are paying 50% bills.

In reality cooking and cleaning for two people won’t take long. Rather than be so passive aggressive it’d be better to ask him to do half of the work

ThisIsMessedUp · 31/12/2024 10:16

You are being unreasonable. If you choose to have kids then you will want as much financial security as possible which you can build up now.
Would you accept him working part time whilst you work full time?
what about your use of the NHS, public services etc? People should contribute as much as they are able in terms of productivity and tax.
I don’t understand this mentality at all.

MumWifeOther · 31/12/2024 11:11

ThisIsMessedUp · 31/12/2024 10:16

You are being unreasonable. If you choose to have kids then you will want as much financial security as possible which you can build up now.
Would you accept him working part time whilst you work full time?
what about your use of the NHS, public services etc? People should contribute as much as they are able in terms of productivity and tax.
I don’t understand this mentality at all.

Surely you appreciate that to support a family on one wage you need to be a fairly high earner meaning your contributions in tax and n.i are higher?

UnicornBubble · 31/12/2024 12:23

If you are struggling with tiredness from ‘normal’ working and home routines, I would recommend going to the doctor to double check whether or not there’s underlying health issues that could be making you feel this way.

JHound · 31/12/2024 14:47

Betchyaby · 30/12/2024 12:38

I never suggested the differences prevented either sex from learning to do anything.

I'd also point out that I do believe society views men and women differently, for example we don't see many half naked men prancing around at sporting events, it is deemed more acceptable to be a SAHM rather than a SAHD.

However, I believe it is naïve to suggest these things stem solely from societal learned behaviours rather than looking back to how societal norms came about in the first place, namely with men and women being biologically different.

The variation within groups is far greater than the variation between them.
Not in the case of male and female brains.

In defence of @MumWifeOther opinions on mothers being better bonded, more intuitively aware of their child's needs etc. There is evidence to support this too.

Pregnancy Causes Lasting Changes in a Woman's Brain | Scientific American

Show quote history

Well yes even in the differences in male and female brains, and more specifically what that means in terms of output, outlook and behaviour - in group variation is far greater than the variation between groups.

We are all individuals before we are an average.

ETA : in terms of neural remodelling that link shows it is temporary.

Caroparo52 · 31/12/2024 15:05

Get a cleaner. Find a job closer to home. Save as much money for yourself as you can. He sounds a cf. Give him shit microwave food and see if the penny drops. He can't have it both ways. Stop being a slave super wife....

Betchyaby · 31/12/2024 19:09

JHound · 31/12/2024 14:47

Well yes even in the differences in male and female brains, and more specifically what that means in terms of output, outlook and behaviour - in group variation is far greater than the variation between groups.

We are all individuals before we are an average.

ETA : in terms of neural remodelling that link shows it is temporary.

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Yes we are all individuals but averages are deduced from many individuals.

Yes temporary, but it shows how hormones affect the brain and changes the behaviours of people. My point being it is absurd for others to suggest that male brains running on testosterone are no different to women's, when our own brains are dramatically affected by fluctuating hormones during and after pregnancy. Lets not forget about PMS either.

JHound · 31/12/2024 19:43

Betchyaby · 31/12/2024 19:09

Yes we are all individuals but averages are deduced from many individuals.

Yes temporary, but it shows how hormones affect the brain and changes the behaviours of people. My point being it is absurd for others to suggest that male brains running on testosterone are no different to women's, when our own brains are dramatically affected by fluctuating hormones during and after pregnancy. Lets not forget about PMS either.

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I do think there is enough evidence to suggest differences between male and female brains to varying extents but I don’t think that has any impact on men’s ability to do childcare and other domestic labour.

LazyArsedMagician · 31/12/2024 21:30

ThatFunRubyHelper · 26/12/2024 17:30

Also, if I did work part time I would not take a penny off my DH. He would not have to pick up any extra financial responsibility because of me.

You are part of a marriage, this isn't a roommate situation. If you work part time, then his salary should cover more. In fact, whether you're full or part time, you should be contributing relative to your income.

You don't sound like a partnership, in fact it sounds like he barely likes you.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 31/12/2024 21:45

Nooooo!

You might be married to this man, but, don't give up your financial independence for anything or anybody.

Think long term here. Pensions etc. What if you go separate ways 25 years later on? You won't have the pension contributions to maintain your lifestyle

It's 2024, any house stuff if you're both working full time is split, or you get help. Whatever happened to girl power!

Maintain independence.

All you need is some decent work/life balance, maybe a cleaner 🙂

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 31/12/2024 21:51

Doyouthinktheyknow · 26/12/2024 16:48

I think yabu because you need to maintain your financial independence as much as you can. It’s so much harder to extricate yourself from an unhappy relationship if you are financially dependent.

Exactly this OP

Please don't be shortsighted about this.

We as women and even men are absolutely exhausted with life.

Personally, as much as I love my other half, I'd be fuming if he announced he was going part time cos he was tired and couldn't do the jobs, I'm not been the breadwinner especially in 2024 when all genders are meant to be equal.

I went through COVID working like a donkey, whilst my now ex husband was on furlough, it was the end for us.