Husband doesn’t want me working part time even though we can afford it

[ThatFunRubyHelper]

DH and I don’t have children yet. He makes a good salary working full time, and it’s possible for us to live from his salary but I work full time and contribute too.

I would really like to work part time as I want more time to properly clean the house, and spend time making healthy meals for us from scratch. On the weekends I don’t feel like I have enough time to properly rest too. I get tired quite easily and I’m honestly so exhausted from my work, on top of a few hours commute everyday. My DH is pretty energetic so doesn’t have this issue.

I’ve spoken about this to DH and he’s told me that he wants to send me abroad to a country where people work 11 hours a day 6 days a week to see what tired really looks like(then later claims he was joking). So I don’t have much understanding from him!

Am I being unreasonable to want to work part time?

Christ! You mean he will ask her to contribute in their marriage?. What a scoundrel

OP apologies if I have this wrong but are you from overseas ? Do you feel safe and protected in your employment situation and marriage ?

Where does it say he "wants her to do it all"?

Yes but she'll become ill because that's not sustainable.

You're right! She hasn't actually said it, I assumed when she talked about cleaning the house thoroughly and preparing healthy meals. No doubt she will say one way or the other.

What you need to do is sort out your energy levels and shorten that commute.

No young, child-free woman should be feeling the way you do.

Does your husband do his share of housework and cook meals from scratch too?

I think you'd be mad. You would regret it when you'd see how your pension would be affected. You think now you will never get old, but you will. I can't imagine your husband would want to pick up the slack of your pension contributions either.

As someone who has always worked FT, had a commute, and reared three children to adulthood, I think you would be mad to go PT now. I'd be concerned about how things will go when you do have children.

Firstly, will your job let you drop to part time?

Have you thought of other alternatives for more flexibility with work that may help reduce the commute and time at work? For example, work from home a few days, a later or earlier start and finish time (flex) on various days of the week and to have every second Friday off, for example, for a long weekend?

Cost of living has gone so far up, I assume you have already thought this through how you would financially navigate upcoming financial costs including kids (and if you would go private or public for care and birth - this is expensive), their education, family holidays, unexpected health or caring costs and retirement, to name a few.

I don't think its unreasonable to want that. But, it's also not unreasonable for your husband to want you to work full time, presuming you have always worked full time and so that's the expectation?
You say you want to cook meals from scratch? Are you eating badly? That could be contributing to your tiredness. From a health perspective I get why you'd want time to feel better.
You also say that you can afford it, but does your husband agree? Unless your husband is making really good money that allows you to regular save and both put money into pension as well as covering all expenses and having fun money then you're really saying you want your husband to supplement a lifestyle choice. I wouldn't allow it except for health reasons. Otherwise, I don't feel I would be happy to carry the burden of household finances or restrict my own current and future lifestyle so that my partner could clean more thoroughly.
Unless your husband is being an a**hole about pulling his weight then the issue appears to me to either be a management issue or a health issue. You need to look at how you cut your commute - a few hours a day is a lot - bulk buy and then batch make food so you have pre-prepped meals at least some of the week and then a schedule to ensure you have a clean enough home.
As others have said, also get yourself to a GP for a check up and make sure its nothing medical. If you're super tired then there might be something wrong - totally fair enough to need a break to recover.

Isn’t it funny how if the genders were reversed every reply would be shouting LTB and cock lodger!

So you would be giving up a full time wage and pension to skivvy at home for him whilst your DH advances his career?

To be clear, I don’t think SAHM/housewives are skivvies, but in your situation you would be giving up a lot of financial security for a life skivvying for him, because you’re giving him the green light not to share finances with you.

I think your DH needs to do more his fair share of the housework and cooking so that you’re not so tired. What’s the current split?

@Mrsttcno1 Well it seems he's trying to force plenty of things on her. He's not being supportive to her in an emotional sense either way tbh.

The problem is she’s working full time and doing the lion share of the housework too.

Society has fucked women over so much that women think they need to do it all with minimal male help.

What is it that's being forced on her?

You don't need to cut your working hours to cook meals from scratch either. But why does he feel he can control you? I wouldn't be having it.

I may have a slightly different view than most because I’ve done similar recently. In my head I felt exhausted and wanted more time to do, well everything, the idea of being able to potter about the house sounded lovely but when I picked it apart I was just burnt out.

We discussed things and I realised that wanted was a change and some “time off” what this looks like for me is a part time job, it’s busy, somewhat physical, pressure in a different way but when I end my shift it’s over, I don’t have to think about it.
It has made a huge difference to my life, my mental health and my relationships but it also has a set time, I’m taking a break and deciding what I’d like to do next, I can also afford to do so and have a supportive DH.

If I were you I’d find out if there was a physical cause for the exhaustion and review your life. Are you having a down period, is it your job, your commute, things in your life, are there things you can change to solve the problem, do you really want to work part time to cook and clean or do you need to change things and give yourself some breathing space to figure it out.

She'd be contributing by carrying his children in her body and then raising them

Currently, she'd be contributing by taking care of their home and loving him - some women want to stay home and enjoy their life in that way

Edited for clarity

OP, to work part time when you have no kids/caring responsibilities is a luxury.
I think YABU, irrespective of what your husband earns.
I worked FT with a child as a single parent (as many others have/do) and several of my friends who were married with children worked FT too.
Needs must and all that

I'm with your husband on this. If it turns out you're independently wealthy and could afford your contributions working part-time, then fair enough. Otherwise you're expecting him to fund your lifestyle.

Wow

It's fine to want to stay home and 'enjoy life' - it isn't fine to expect someone else to foot the bill.

Please give me 1 example of a single thing he is “forcing” on her, because there aren’t any in ANY of OP’s posts so you must be a mind reader.

The only thing he expects of her is the same thing any normal person has to do- work!

Not sure I’d have much support to give to a husband who wanted me to support him financially so he could cook us a healthy meal either, and if I posted that I’d be told he’s a cheeky fuck, a cock lodged and to leave immediately

If you are aware of how this would put you know the back foot in terms of your earning/progress potential, and you can afford to still pay your share of the bills and support yourself, then it's completely up to you. If this would cost your partner though, no, you're not reasonable to expect him to do this, and you're mad to consider it! You also really need to get to your GP, if you have heavy periods, you might have low iron.

Also, if he's not sharing the cleaning and cooking 50/50, he needs to step up.

Not necessarily. She's not pregnant and there's no guarantee that she'll be able to have children.

She hasn’t said anywhere that she plans on being a stay at home mum in the future. Saying “get out now he will force you to be a working mum” is a bit of a ridiculous thing to say.

By that transactional reductionist rationale he provides sperm and wages,pays utilities,accommodation she’s the incubator who doesn’t financially contribute