Husband doesn’t want me working part time even though we can afford it

[ThatFunRubyHelper]

DH and I don’t have children yet. He makes a good salary working full time, and it’s possible for us to live from his salary but I work full time and contribute too.

I would really like to work part time as I want more time to properly clean the house, and spend time making healthy meals for us from scratch. On the weekends I don’t feel like I have enough time to properly rest too. I get tired quite easily and I’m honestly so exhausted from my work, on top of a few hours commute everyday. My DH is pretty energetic so doesn’t have this issue.

I’ve spoken about this to DH and he’s told me that he wants to send me abroad to a country where people work 11 hours a day 6 days a week to see what tired really looks like(then later claims he was joking). So I don’t have much understanding from him!

Am I being unreasonable to want to work part time?

Work out what your half of everything is..then once yiu pay that, cut your hours or get a job closer to home. He should be doing 50% of all house stuff if you are paying 50% bills.

For clarity, at the moment, my life does very much revolve around my family and this is my choice which I’m happy with. When they’re at school I do things which bring me fulfilment, in between looking after the home and cooking / baking / cleaning / life admin. I had a life before kids and I’m sure I won’t struggle to fill my days when they’re more independent.

Conversely I went to a private girls school and we weren't allowed to even entertain the idea of anything vocational. It was an academic subject at a uni presented as the only option. I'd have probably made a far better living doing hairdressing rather than having a useless degree in a subject I was barely interested in.

Only because others asked the same thing before me. Your initial comment was that you agreed that “no man can ever be as good a parent as a woman”.

If what you actually meant was that “no man can ever be as good a parent as a woman as long as the woman is not unwell and is a good person”, then the mammalian biology argument that women are just naturally nurturing you rely on is nonsense. Because the exception you’ve had to concede demonstrates that women are not naturally nurturing - some of them are precisely the opposite.

And no, the world is not divided into mentally ill women who are bad mothers and mentally well ones who are superb, so don’t even start on that!

This is the British class system on full display isn’t.

My degree and post grad studies have landed me a career far more lucrative than any of my friends who went into health and beauty and childcare. It’s just interested the career guidance was based heavily on our sex and class background.

Yes the British class system is very limiting and damaging on both sides of the coin.

Seriously just stop it!!!!

If you had a pool of well parents and caregivers, the mothers would be the best choice for child rearing because of biology.

There are always exceptions to a rule!

Its that simple.

True (although DH and I have a cleaner)

The vast majority of men aren't INTERESTED in hair and beauty.

Why would they be? Society tells them from birth that childcare, hair, beauty etc is for girls and any man who is interested in childcare is met with suspicion.

I grew up on a council estate and went to shit school. I still picked STEM.

Do you deny biological differences amongst men and women?

Yes I picked languages at a Russell Group uni but I was talking about the guidance we were given. Hard to pick something you don’t know exists.

So because your experience was crap guidance that means society en masse got crap guidance? The fact you went on to a Russel Group shows it had no effect on you then, as you went with your preference rather than doing beauty... Pretty much proves my point about choices being based on individual interests.

A biological difference that makes women more likely to be interested in hair and beauty? No. It’s societal.

It had no impact on me because I had a parent to counteract that view.

And yes it is demonstrably true that the British class system impacts all aspects of society including the guidance and coaching children receive at school.

Or do you think it is just random coincidence that private school children are massively overrepresented in our top universities and across the top of industry and why our social mobility is so low?

My experience reflects the norm that the guidance and coaching given in schools (which was the comment made) impacts choices we make and that guidance and coaching differs based on sex and socio-economic background.

Do you think at the boys school that backed into my girls school, that the careers advisors were telling the boys to consider careers in hair and beauty and childcare?

1995? Really?

I’m afraid that is complete nonsense. Men can be brilliant parents, every bit as nurturing and attentive as women. True, men are biologically incapable of giving birth and breastfeeding. But they can do everything else that women can do. It’s a shame that some people still cling to harmful stereotypes about masculine and feminine traits and abilities.

Exactly!

The 'societal pressures' theory was up for debate and disproved 30 years ago!! Later and recent studies have unequivocally proven that male and female brains are different, hormones affect our behaviour and we have tendencies toward different things.

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule.

You just don't like the facts.

Of course men can be brilliant parents. My husband is a wonderful and attentive father. I see lots of hands on and capable dads. However, a father cannot replicate the natural bond and maternal instincts a mother has. In my opinion, society has tried to dull this instinct for various reasons I’m not going to get into now.

Studies haven’t proven it at all. Plenty of studies have proven otherwise, especially after 30 years as we now know more and (should) know better.

The fact that not every single man or every single woman fits neatly into the stereotypical boxes shows that too.

My husbands instincts and bond with our children are just as good as mine.

I can believe there are differences but none which prevent men learning to adequately provide childcare or use a washing machine.

And of course those are just average differences.

The variation within groups is far greater than the variation between them.

Studies haven’t proven it at all. They absolutely have.
How men's and women's brains are different | Stanford Medicine
Do men and women have different brains? | HowStuffWorks
New Research Finds Huge Differences Between Male and Female Brains | Psychology Today
Males and females differ in specific brain structures | University of Cambridge

Plenty of studies have proven otherwise. Where are they then? I'm talking biological, measurable evidence, not some pseudoscience 'Dr' hypothesising.

The fact that not every single man or every single woman fits neatly into the stereotypical boxes shows that too. Well of course they don't, which is why I said there are exceptions to the rule. But they are just that, exceptions.

It is always curious that people will accept men and women are biologically different in most of our anatomy, but suggest our brains are different despite the hard evidence, it is met with outright denial.