Husband doesn’t want me working part time even though we can afford it

[ThatFunRubyHelper]

DH and I don’t have children yet. He makes a good salary working full time, and it’s possible for us to live from his salary but I work full time and contribute too.

I would really like to work part time as I want more time to properly clean the house, and spend time making healthy meals for us from scratch. On the weekends I don’t feel like I have enough time to properly rest too. I get tired quite easily and I’m honestly so exhausted from my work, on top of a few hours commute everyday. My DH is pretty energetic so doesn’t have this issue.

I’ve spoken about this to DH and he’s told me that he wants to send me abroad to a country where people work 11 hours a day 6 days a week to see what tired really looks like(then later claims he was joking). So I don’t have much understanding from him!

Am I being unreasonable to want to work part time?

I suppose it depends how much you value you place on raising and supporting your family. For me personally, it’s the most important job anyone can do and an honour. I’ve never felt less than a man because I don’t have a career. Quite the opposite if I’m honest. I understand that it’s different for everyone though.

We both contribute to raising and supporting our family. I don’t see why it should just be my job or why I need to give up my career to do it.

Exactly

The problem isn't the role as such and I appreciate you feelings. The problem is the extreme financial vulnerability SAHP are in.

In the case of relationship end or loss of a spouse, then reality can sharply differ.

No career to step back into, no decent pension. Also what happens when the children grow? How do you then define the role for yourself ?

I never was interested in not having a career. And I did see my mother struggle when my father left. She never achieved professionally what she was was well capable of. If she had have stayed working, her life and choices would have been protected.

I do see that it can be a vulnerable position, which is why I think you need to safeguard against being left struggling from the start. It obviously requires the husband to value the sacrifice of the woman, and provide financial security in the event of separation / death, at least as much as he would provide that for himself. In many ways I believe with support the husband can become more successful which should hopefully help with regards to investments, assets, pensions etc.

I suppose that’s why the OP really needs to consider whether her husband is the right person for her. If he views her as a burden there’s a high chance it could end badly.

My advice would be to be honest from the start and plan as early as possible too as to how this arrangement should work to protect you both.

That works for many people. For my family, it works better the way we do it. As I mentioned, we have had 2 fairly brief stints were I was earning too and it took away from what I give to my family. I never wanted a career as I always wanted to be a SAHM. I suppose I’ve never seen the appeal in a career, just as you can not see the appeal in being a SAHM.

You are right.

To be honest it doesn't matter who he is and what the plans are because nobody can predict a person's decision five, ten or twenty years later.

That’s true but if he earns well, you can insist he pays into a pension for you as he does himself, that assets are in both your names, that there is a good life insurance policy in place etc. As you say, no one can predict the future but I suppose it’s prudent to plan as much as feasible.

Agreed but after a bit of a history working on divorces the more money there is the easier it is for them to hide it or reroute it.

So yes pension can be sorted, but spousal maintenance won't be granted , property may need to be sold, schooling changed from private and rearranged their role to reduce "income". It sadly is very common.

The idea people are still going into this situation eyes open is concerning. I would be advising family members to ensure they have a protected income, property independent, and a secure career plan

The appeal to me is largely about financial independence as well as enjoying financially providing for my children. Knowing that should anything happen be it death, divorce, DH job loss etc that their life wouldn’t change from a financial point of view makes me feel secure.

I also love my career which helps and worked hard to get to a senior role. Throwing all of that away would be madness to me.

I would find the idea of a man who is looking for a kept woman not only unattractive but concerning, particularly with no dc involved.

Yes I believe you that this happens.

Onvioulsy lots of upheaval if you have to sell your home, change schools etc.. but worse things in life happen. This is all in the event of the marriage failing, which of course some do. Likewise, not all marriages fail and I know of many couples with this set up that works.

I understand there’s a risk but I feel the reward outweighs it for me

There are very very few men nowadays who are happy to financially provide for a woman if there are no children involved. You'd be hard pressed to find one.

When planned right work doesn’t have to take away from family time. I work from home when my kids are at school. I really feel that when kids are school age it is of little benefit sacrificing a career.

i can’t imagine searching for a life partner and basing my search around ambitions to become a sahm also.

I did do this for 2 years but I found I had no time to myself and was catching up on chores in the evenings and on the weekends; which are now taken up by 3 kids differing hobbies. We don’t have any grandparents really helping with childcare so no child free time on weekends, so when I’m not working we sometimes do things while the kids are in school to have time alone together (my husband has his own business so he can be flexible with hours within reason).

Me not working provides the best balance for us as a family

will you ever go back to work ? I would imagine teenagers may find this quite suffocating in future, your whole life revolving around them.

Some people aren't ambitious in the career sense. They want a peaceful and happy life, and, for some, this comes with being a stay at home wife/mum

She isn't a mum yet - but if she were to become a mum, her op is foreshadowing how he'd treat her

You’re NBU to want to do it but you ABU to think you can unilaterally decide to do it and have him financially support you.

What a strange comment.

Think carefully about sacrificing pay and pension to make his life easier with making yourself a built in cook and cleaner. Doubt he does 50% now so I expect he considers having kids a favour to you so you should be sacrificing too by taking them on in addition to your current duties.

This man isn't one to have kids with.

Why is it strange?

What’s strange about it ?

The part where you suggested her 'whole life is revolving' around her kids because she takes them to hobbies....

No it’s not that. It’s the medieval and sexist attitude towards women and family life.

Plenty of working women manage to bring their families to hobbies but hobbies isn’t what this is about at all.

You're deflecting now because you know your comment was just plain rude.
So where are you getting that her life revolves around her kids from? Is it inconceivable to you that SAHM and housewives have hobbies and interests of their own? In fact they often have more time to 'have a life' than working women.

It’s the medieval and sexist attitude towards women and family life. PP has spoken about her family life she hasn't suggested other women have to conform to it.

It's always the same on MN, thinly veiled insults and faux concern for SAHM potential financial vulnerability... one can only wonder why....🤔