FIL wants to take my 12 week old around to visit neighbours

[Charlottef94]

We are visiting our PIL in a few days and MIL said to DH on the phone this morning that FIL
”can’t wait” to take my DS around to all their random neighbours to show him off. My baby is 12 weeks old and I feel very uncomfortable that this was stated without even asking if I, his mother would be okay with that and insinuating he would be going alone with my baby. All I can say is he will absolutely not be doing so and my baby will not be leaving my eye line. What if I wanted to keep him away from germs etc? He also hates strangers at the moment and will assume FIL is also a stranger as he likes me to be nearby whenever family are holding him at the moment. Am I being unreasonable in demanding I join any of these visits?

Ah lovely throw in a little ageism. That’s another nice thing to teach your kids along with fear of the world. Prejudice too. Lovely.

Was it just a passing comment like “oh we can’t wait to show the baby off”

It was bad enough without this update, but this makes it even worse. He's awful, and ridiculous.
This comes up regularly on MN - grandparents deciding to buy formula for a breastfed baby because they want to feed them. Unbelievable. Grandparents have no right to feed a baby and should be supporting the parents, not undermining them.

It doesn’t sound as if @Charlottef94‘s FIL cares a fig about her discomfort, @saraclara - so what should she tiptoe around him?

I’m 60, and my youngest child is 27, but I’m pretty damn sure I would NOT have responded well to being TOLD by my FIL that he wanted to take my 12 week old baby to meet people whom I didn’t know from Adam!

I am a granny myself so I totally understand the excitement and pride, but that doesn’t give me, or any grandparent, the right to tell the parents what I am going to do with their child. If the FIL had said, “When you next come to visit, would it be OK if Mack and Mabel from number 37 popped in to see the baby?” - and if he would respect their answer, it might have been very different - but from her comment about her FIL seeing her as an incubator, and telling her what he’s going to do with her child, it doesn’t sound as if he has any respect whatsoever for @Charlottef94 as a person or as a mum.

She is under NO obligation to give a tiny, shiny shite about his discomfort, given that he hasn’t given one about hers.

I'm glad someone else picked up on that comment.

My ds came to supermarket at a week old. We needed to eat and DP didn't get paternity (another country) and didn't drive.

He's 20 now. The supermarket clearly didn't have a detrimental affect on him!

Carry the baby to the neighbours, say a quick hello and don't go in the house? I did this with mine.

My dad told my neighbour I was pregnant before I was telling people, but I don't really know them so I didn't mind. She's old and lives alone.

I'm with both of you.

its a changed world & I dont like it!

I was out with my kids when they were newborns but I didn’t let random people get too close. It’s the kissing and germs close up from the neighbours I’d be concerned about. Cough on the hands, go to the loo and hands unwashed - hold babies hand - flu, colds, covid, gastrointestinal. Family it’s the living environment and then you can say wash hands, cough in elbow etc

I can't see the problem at least he's taking an interest which is more than some PIL. If ur baby was 4 or 5 days old I'd maybe see the issue but not at 4 months old. I'd be more concerned about how clingy your baby sounds but I'm wondering if that's the babies issue or actually you projecting on to it.

God some of these responses, you'd swear he wanted to sacrifice the baby 😂 I honestly don't see any big deal in it. What is the big deal? Proud grandparents, assuming trusted people in your life? Why wouldn't you let them? You can also go with them surely? Let them have their proud moment, step down from the weird high horse you are sitting on.

I'd say do what makes you comfortable. Try not to be an arse about it with PIL maybe or it could sour the relationship & you might want offers of babysitting at some point in the future. My FIL had some form for trying to grab my DC as babies from my arms the second I arrived at their house. It did annoy me but they were just over excited - 1st DGC etc. Some GP are just obsessed with babies. My PIL both were. Less interested as the GC got older I found. I had a bit of PFB syndrome I think but also found PIL did not look after them very carefully - always came back injured (scratches/bruises/mild sunburn etc) and my DS aged 18 months had most horrendous nappy rash I've ever seen as they left his overnight nappy on all the next day which pissed me off no end but I never said anything. More than 50% of people I've chatted to/people I know have been poorly this Christmas so I wouldn't be letting half the street actually cuddle/hold my 12 wk old baby personally.

No way , you never know who these neighbours are , do they smoke , what dogs do they have , anyone ill etc. Not informing you either and just assuming is really annoying. I think you are going to be putting a lot more boundaries down by the sounds of these grandparents

I would watch them to make sure they don’t sneak a bottle of formula in while you aren’t looking.

Please tell me this is a joke. Right?

Nope. Read OP’s last update. Baby is EBF but FiL has bought in formula because he wants to feed the baby. It’s batshit.

Hmmm. OP doesn't say he's actually bought it in though. And she needs to convince everyone that what lots of people believe is extreme and worrying PFB anxiety is actually evil FiL story.

There’s a flu epidemic going around at the moment so I wouldn’t want to. I went through similar with mil who was annoyed with me for saying no to an invite to Centreparcs to celebrate her partners birthday. My premature baby was only 6 weeks old at the time and was struggling to establish breast feeding so I was pumping milk round the clock. I had gone through a very traumatic birth and nearly lost my baby due to medical negligence so was very anxious. She didn’t have the guts to confront me herself and instead got my sister in law to send me a horrible text message admonishing me for my selfishness. Basically they wanted me to sit in a bedroom pumping milk in one of the lodge bedrooms while mil got to pass my 6 week old tiny baby around all her relatives. It wasn’t the only incident. I just learned very quickly how to firmly say no.

This!

Unless baby has underlying health conditions then being breathed on and cuddled is unlikely to harm them!

Honestly, grandparents can't win, they get complained about if they don't get involved/show an interest and then when they try to get involved they're shot down!

Your baby, your rules. It’s really that simple and what people think on mumsnet is really totally irrelevant. What does DH think?

I do wonder how babies build up any immunity to germs these days. My 3 were passed around various friends, neighbours, work colleagues for a quick cuddle on numerous occasions. They survived! I loved showing them off and getting a hot cuppa for a change! They are late twenties/early thirties now, I obviously have a lot to learn about how to behave around any future grandchildren!

Me too

Do you not think it’s a bit different if the parents are there, making the decision about who gets to cuddle the baby, than if they are handing the baby off to FIL to be taken to various different houses for cuddles from people who are complete strangers to the parents and the baby, @Queenofthestonage?

My kids are 27, 29 and 31, and I was a pretty laisser faire parent, but even I would to be happy with what @Charlottef94‘s FIL is suggesting.

Autocorrect did not like laisser faire - it wanted to correct it to laid afire - I would not be happy with my babies being laid afire either!

There are 4 horrible viruses going round at the moment and he wants to parade a tiny baby around loads of neighbours houses? Not a chance. Just say no, baby needs to stay with you.

Slight side note but part of the reason I’m worried about him going over to the neighbours alone is him hating strangers at the moment and it makes me feel awful that he would be inconsolable if taken out of the house away from me by FIL. Over Christmas he has actually been really upset if any family members other than me or DH (he doesn’t love this either though) hold him. Like screaming and crying real tears, constantly looking for me in the room. As soon as I pick him up he stops. Is this actually normal behaviour for a 12 week old as PP said this is too clingy?! Concerned he will definitely not want to be held by PIL who he hasn’t seen in 6 weeks.

It is an unusual reaction for a 12 week olf but I believe you. I have had 3 children and two were happy to go to anyone whereas the middle one hated being put down or held by anyone other than a parent from a tiny age.