FIL wants to take my 12 week old around to visit neighbours

[Charlottef94]

We are visiting our PIL in a few days and MIL said to DH on the phone this morning that FIL
”can’t wait” to take my DS around to all their random neighbours to show him off. My baby is 12 weeks old and I feel very uncomfortable that this was stated without even asking if I, his mother would be okay with that and insinuating he would be going alone with my baby. All I can say is he will absolutely not be doing so and my baby will not be leaving my eye line. What if I wanted to keep him away from germs etc? He also hates strangers at the moment and will assume FIL is also a stranger as he likes me to be nearby whenever family are holding him at the moment. Am I being unreasonable in demanding I join any of these visits?

Me too
Your FIL is obviously very proud

Your not wrong there 😱

In the middle of a flu outbreak? I would not be happy with that.

I’ve got a ten week old and I’d be happy with the break, honestly! It’s not my first though.

Why are people acting as if the gparents wants are important, or even matter?

This time of year keeping the baby safe and well is this most important thing. I know so many adults who have been floored with flus, viruses and chest infections the past 6weeks which could be very harmful to a baby. Why risk it?

It's such an entitled attitude, babies are literally human beings not medals to parade around. The baby will be happiest with mum. Baby still considers itself and mum as a single unit until it's much older so whatever people want.to tell themselves, it is much better for baby to be with mum when so young.

My mum had to leave me at 12weeks but it is developmentally not good for babies whether you think they thrived or not.
Obviously not possible to tell but I think the attitudes here would align with age groups.

I wouldn't have a problem either and think it's lovely.

They are only going to coo over the baby for a short time and exchange pleasantries!

My youngest is 9 so I’m well out of the baby stage but I wouldn’t have had a problem with this and find it really interesting that the majority opinion seems to be that the FIL is the unreasonable one. Is this some sort of post-Covid thing? (Also assuming there are no older siblings at school/nursery, which are basically germ factories…)

It is weird to think of separating a young baby from his/her mother but I don't understand the obsession with germs and people having a cuddle. Fair enough, if there is obvious illness in the household but otherwise lots of friends and family doting on the baby seems part of the joy to me.

It’s family. It’s normal. Unclench.

Yeah I think you’re probably being a bit unreasonable. Presumably this is a proud grandfather who wants to take his new grandchild a walk in the street to show them off to his neighbours? I doubt he’s going door to door at Christmas inviting himself in with the baby? I don’t think I could get worked up about this.

So many uptight germaphobes on here. Wonder if this is a Covid hangover effect.

There's a quademic in progress: flu, norovirus, RSV and COVID-19.

There are nowhere near as many PICU units or beds as people might think.

Parents, not in-laws, are the ones whose appetite for risk should be the deciding factor for such a young child.

I wasn't asked but on one of first visits over MIL snuck out the house with bf baby who scream when not being held by me ( not my choice like early sign of her ADHD ) when DH went upstairs to look for something she wanted and I went to the toilet.

Several hours went by FIL was worried - she walked in with baby who clearly been screaming for hours really distressed who needed a nappy change for a while and was really hungry - no explanation and from what she said several neighbours had been trying to sit down to a cooked mean so probably weren't keen on random baby.

She was better with kids once they could talk before that MIL did often seem to think they were accessories which annoyed the fuck out of me. Generally though she was a good grandparent gets on well now with teens kids.

So might be better to try and find a way FIL can show baby off with you around or maybe a walk round neighbourhood with baby in pram/pushchair.

Same

Wouldn't bother me.

But then I was never precious about my baby "being in my eye line at all times" 🤷‍♀️

We flew to Uk when ds was 6 weeks old and took him to meet both mine and DPs extended family.

They had lots of great time bonding and I had lots of free time to nap

Me too.

It’s not in-law hating, it’s hormones – I found it almost unbearably painful to be separated from my baby in the fourth trimester. DP once pushed the pram too fast for me (post-section) and I wept. I don’t hate him.

I would have hated to have my baby taken away to be shown to the neighbours. Show him off when he’s two and annoying instead.

Are you American, by any chance? (something about the turn of phrase) It's just that I think this very overzealous uber-protective attitude over babies and young children is something I've seen coming from North America in the last generation.

And surely only someone from North America could use the phrase 'I just know how to advocate for my child' when they're talking about not letting said child meet or come into close proximity with other humans. (rather than, for example, fighting for their child's SEN provision, or getting a second opinion at the hospital when something actually REAL and serious is going on, or standing up for their child against bullies.)

12 weeks is 3 months. Did you never take a 3 month old out to a baby and mums group? If not, what a shame. They are just beginning a period of neurological development that means they're SO interested in other people and their wider environment. In fact, studies done on the cohort of babies unlucky enough to have been born at the start of the covid pandemic with lockdown meaning babies and young children weren't socialised properly have shown how horribly detrimental this was to their neurological development and psychological wellbeing.

We never used to talk about 'flu and colds season' - it was just winter. People get bugs in winter. Doesn't mean you should lock your small children up for months on end!

Awaits medal.

You’ve chosen to ignore my point, which was to argue with you saying that babies shouldn’t ever be away from their mothers.

You also seem to be ignoring the fact that there’s a father involved too, who presumably wants his parents to have a relationship with his child.

Why should the mother’s paranoia trump what he might think?

No it’s because there’s more awareness that winter bugs can be deadly to little babies.
Why do you think they are giving the RSV vaccine to pregnant women? To help protect the baby after it’s born.

There was a thread on here recently about hand washing and how it was unreasonable to expect people to wash their hands. That’s why Brits are riddled with disgusting winter bugs. Unhygienic gross people everywhere.

Also all this proud grandparent rubbish is a massive load of shit as well. Weird behaviour to take your grandchild round to people like some toy.

I think it’s fine for the grandparents to have a relationship with their baby grandchild. Parading that child around the neighbours with so many winter bugs going around, not so much. It’s not paranoia - that’s really unkind. She’s minimising the risk to her new baby.

I completely agree. So much drama on here. However it’s entirely your choice of course, and if this is going to worry you just say so.

It’s lovely that a grandparent is so proud of the new baby.
However, can’t imagine neighbours are going to be so enthusiastic - one 12 week old being much like the next to the casual observer…say no OP!

YANBU at all. No way would I let anyone dictate to me what they were going to do with my baby. This is a good time to put in boundaries and let your in laws see that they can't decide they're doing x, y or z with your baby, they have to ask and then accept whatever your answer is. I wouldn't make excuses just 'no and in future please ask'.

I’m with you, it’s strange and had a very similar experience. My PIL wanted to show my children around to the neighbours, go in their houses etc and when I said no they made out I had very bad health anxiety. I think it was nice that they were so proud but didn’t see my worry. But they also get cold sores and were very upset when I asked them not to kiss my little ones faces as they didn’t get the seriousness of it.
Their neighbour did pop over during a visit when my son was 5 weeks old and then kissed his nose. I was horrified. When my daughter was 6 weeks old she got viral meningitis from a cold and was very poorly. My partner actually apologised after that and realised that babies are not for show and tell and you have to be careful. No way would want this either.