Family always leave me out at Christmas…

[CoolMoose]

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

This.
Maybe it happens in more families than I'd have realised.
I do think children from the first relationship are liable to get a raw deal compared to those from the later relationship - I've seen this happen elsewhere. I've also seen that the youngest child may be favoured while the oldest is left to get on with it, especially if they are capable. Of course it's not fair - it's the mother who is at fault, not the child.

I'm really sorry @CoolMoose. Your mother's behaviour is appalling and your sister's and step father's not much better. Anyone would feel rejected and upset in this situation.
You have dealt with the situation in a calm and mature way and have nothing to blame yourself for. I would go low contact with them all unless they apologise to you and make permanent changes. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that they will do this given what you describe.
I have been in a very similar situation myself, although for a different reason. We were not included because we the only ones with DC long before my siblings and were therefore deemed too much trouble/ too many of us/ too noisy and were excluded when my siblings were all invited to stay year after year. This, along with other incidents over the years mean that we hardly ever see my parents now and they don't know the DC. It's sad but I just can't see the point and don't feel at all close to them after many years of this behaviour.

'I've also seen that the youngest child may be favoured while the oldest is left to get on with it, especially if they are capable. Of course it's not fair - it's the mother who is at fault, not the child.'

That's the situation in my family. I am the oldest, first to have a family by many years. The youngest is very much favoured.
I've come to terms with it now but it is a nasty rejection and has caused much upset.

@CoolMoose that all sounds awful.
You should be grateful for their crumbs of attention? WTF.
You aren’t going to change them and might have to walk away. They know what hurts you and may use that in the future to hurt you again.
. The “ step dad has been ill” is also emotional manipulation to make you feel bad — my parents were experts in this.

For now I’d leave them alone, no messaging. Give it a couple of weeks until Christmas and NY is behind us and then see how you feel. You don’t have to make any big announcements if you choose to go NC but be aware your parents might ( not for sure but might) slag you off to all and sundry. ( mine did and tbh I laughed at the things they’d said they were so bloody stupid)
The upside is your life will be calmer and you can spend your time with friends who like and care about you.

I'd say don't let your family control this situation & keep you waiting for their attention. I know it's hard to give up your hopes & expectations that one day they might treat you properly, but from what you've said here, they're not going to. There's a family set-up which you did not cause & which you cannot change. You've waited, you've been patient. You've politely tried to put it right by making them aware of how their unnatural unkindness makes you feel, & what you would like them to do instead. But they don't want it to be put right, & in reality you can't force them to be the better people they ought to be.

Your (step/)parents are not treating you fairly & your sisters are going along with that & protecting/being obedient to their parents. They don't want to rock the boat, maybe because they've seen how their parents have effectively cut you out of the family, & they don't want that to happen to them. So they defend their parents to you, even though their parents are in the wrong.

I know it's painful to look at the hard, cold realities of a situation. But sometimes we reach a point where that's the best thing to do, for our own safety & wellbeing. You're a good person & you deserve to be treated properly by a loving family. But that's something that not everybody gets. I'm another one of those who didn't. But you have made a family of your own, & that's a wonderful thing. Find your joy in them. Your FOO don't know what they're missing.

All the best.💐

The reason your parents won’t accept your point of view, is because then they would have to acknowledge how utterly disgusting and hurtful their behaviour is. It’s inexcusably nasty, so they’re turning it on you and saying you’re ungrateful for the few crumbs of acknowledgment they’re willing to throw your way. Don’t let them off the hook, they need to know just how badly they are making you feel.

Oh OP that’s such hurtful behaviour from your family :( your completely NTA

if I was you I’d just go no contact & see how long before they contact you. If they don’t then you have your own family just be part of & you don’t need them. If parents ask why you’ve not been in touch you need to have a very Frank conversation with them. You’re the only stepchild & from your other comments you are clearly being treated differently & that so hurtful.

hope things get better

Only just read this bit. OP bin them off. You don’t need these people in your life.

if your mum is not even prepared to acknowledge the behaviour & try to call you “ungrateful” then I doubt she’d ever change.

save yourself the pain & stress & go either no or very very low contact. You don’t owe them anything

It’s brutal, and entirely your mother’s failing, but they don’t want you to be part of their ‘perfect’ family set up. You don’t fit. You remind them of what was before. You’re not one of them. They can just do it cope with you separately, but they don’t care about you as much. Hence only seeing you twice in a year. You just don’t fit anymore. They want you to quietly go away and when you do anything that makes them feel guilty, they start screaming at you, and blaming you.

It’s absolutely despicable of them. I’d probably send a message to all of them, laying out your feelings and how they’ve made you feel with their actions in leaving you out, and then slide away for good. It’s so sad and I’m so sorry.

They’re appalling, OP. I agree with PP’s, go no or very low contact. They can do without you and your DH.

op Google family scapegoat and you’ll find some familiar things.
same situation here. It’s complex. Especially when you have kids that have grown up knowing their grandparents and it would be hard to disrupt that.
.As pp have said, dropping the rope and taking agency is the way forward. That can have many forms, so you need to decide what form of relationship with your ‘family’ would work for you, and on what terms.
therapy also helps in you have the time/money. Find someone specializing in complex family dynamics.

I'm so sorry to read this OP. Your family's behaviour is unacceptable. I am willing you on to find your own peace and unconditional love, you do not need to be grateful for anything they listed and the guilt tripping is ridiculous. I wouldn't even engage with the drama or threats, it would be better to use your energy where it matters.

Never mind NYD I would not be going at all.

I doubt the reason you have not been invited is down to you. Even if it was, no excuse for this underhanded behaviour. It must have been so hurtful. Especially how you found out. I sorry but I don’t think your sisters are innocent in this. If my parent(s) were treating my sibling like this I would be calling them out. If there was a reason why not invited I would be saying why.

You have not mentioned other relationships such as in laws or father. Understandable to only share what you feel conformable. The only reason I mention is can you think of people that do treat you right and focus on them?

Do you think being treated as second class comes from mother or stepdad. Could stepdad be driving it? Even if he was I would like to think mother would put child first or at least be honest.

I get you don’t want to rock the boat and be one to end things by going NC. However, you and your children are worth more than this. Please ask yourself what message may being sent to your children. Could it be sending the message that ok to treat them as second class?

It is hard when you do all the running. I speak from experience. I was the one that arranged things with my parent. I was often turned down. It was often that new partner would not like rather than them not wanting. I tried to have conversations how I felt. It was brushed over and told that is just how it is. I was never invited over at Christmas. I got a half hearted invite near NY. I was often hurt how I was treated. My other parent saw this and was upset for me. They were also angry. Why did I put up with it. They hated seeing me hurt by the latest thing. In the end i stopped asking if wanted to go somewhere as only hurt when answer was no.

I put up with sloppy seconds. I knew if I didn’t that would be it. I knew if I push the issue we could end up NC if I didn’t put the effort in. I felt guilty about being the one that would potentially end it. I keep thinking at least my parent is alive. That some not so lucky. In the end however, that wasn’t enough. I owed myself more. Too much negative headspace given to it.

Earlier this year I had things going on. Things dragging me down. I had an argument with my parent that would get the stars out of the sky for me. In this argument it came up how other parent had treated me yet again. I realised they were right. Over the years I stuck up for them. I couldn’t this time. I spoke to parent that I am NC now how I felt. That I was not happy how things are, Again I got that is how it is. We used to meet every week but I got to feeling that was more habit that wanting to have a relationship with me. I suggested not doing this but could still meet up. During this conversation it came up that their partner had an issued with our one evening as that was one less for them. This was despite spending all week with them as both retired. I think it was point I realised nothing was going to change. I suspected my relationship or lack of was heavy due to their partner. I get when you have a partner you need to think of them but not at the virtual exclusion of child.

I left the meeting up to them. Even if it was just a simple suggestion such as a coffee that would have been fine. I knew this would probably mean the end and it was. I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me sad. However, I felt better as headspace not being taken up. I have relationships that are two way. While they drive me crazy sometimes and I am sure other way too I know we have each others backs and they truly there. I cherish these. Even more so since going NC with parent.

I know is difficult but do you really want a relationship with someone who makes excuses not to see you. You have only seen them twice this year. It is either a one way relationship or you/husband/children have issues so they want to want to avoid (personally I think that unlikely). However if you can reflect on your/their behaviour and see why it may cause issues I think would work better with LC/NC.

Just realised OP you mentioned ILS and father at bottom of one of your posts.

I was reminded of Cinderella. Your mum is probably angry at your biological dad and, vicariously, at you. I agree with otgers. One of the posters said it brilliantly - don’t have a relationship with someone who’s making excuses not to see you. You will be sad and will grieve this and my heart goes out to you.

That is nasty of them

This isn’t your fault or anything to do with something you have done. You shouldn’t be ‘grateful’ for being treated differently and poorly. You have said how it makes you feel and this hasn’t been acknowledged or discussed. Your parents are the ones in the wrong, not you, at all. Don’t put up with it, don’t allow it to happen again, don’t let them have that power over you, to keep hurting you.
I would advise a good old fashioned letter, writing it down is very cathartic and you’ll feel better for doing it. Send it and then go LC or NC.
The problem is with them, not you. It is never acceptable to treat your kids differently. End of.

How does this sort of thing come about?

It's hard to understand isn't it?

Presumably you all had Christmas together as kids?

When did you stop being included?

When she says about being in contact in he NY-must be tempting to tell her not to bother!

Could you be the black sheep of the family? Sounds a bit like toxic narc behaviour. MY family were all over me when we had our business, paid for their holidays, computers and whatever they hinted but when my partner died from C and I transferred ownership of our company to his dad taking only a small profit for myself to support our children (one of which was blind and the other autistic) My family support disappered. My family told so many lies to each other about themselves and each other just little things that when we got together which was rare you could cut the air with a knife hardly anyone spoke for fear of tripping themselves up. If I told mum I'd been to visit my brother she would look horrified and tell me about how moody his wife was and that she never makes them welcome. I left that circus 5 years ago and myself and my family are so much better off for it. Everyone wants to be loved by their family it's natural but when they are dysfunctional and affecting your mental health you need to take action. Why not book a holiday next year for Christmas.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. Sounds like you were not considered an equal part of the family and your mother sounds like she is very much offsetting her guilt on you. I'd definitely be asking why you're excluded from the big family occasions and why your sisters are allowed to all be together there. Sounds like more is going on and you deserve to have the facts before continuing on this path of being made to feel unwanted.

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP.
I think it is almost certainly because your DM has created a new family with your stepdad and you have been side lined.
This isn't your fault. As a mum myself I find it hard to understand her actions, unless she is trying to appease your step dad or there was some trauma with your birth father but even if there is it doesnt justify it and if that is the case then its is your fault.
Is there a big age difference between you and your half siblings?
I do wonder why they haven't questioned why you aren't there. Surely they can see how hurtful it would be if it was them being excluded every year?
The fact your mum lied shows that deep down she knows they are treating you badly otherwise she would not try and disguise it.
Her response is trying to deflect blame, trying to demonstrate how much effort she's made getting food in for new year etc.
I think you did the right thing to tell them how hurt you are.
Did you ever live them with them all as a family or did you move out when you were young/ soon after your DSS were born, I think sadly they dont consider you as immediate / core family but extended family. Inexcusable of your mum though.
Perhaps sit down with your mum and tell her calmly how being excluded in Xmas day every year makes you feel second class/not as loved as your sisters .
Then it's up to her how she reacts and up to you how you react and if you decide to pull back go low contact.
Maybe counselling would help you navigate your emotions but yanbu to feel hurt.

This sounds really shit, OP.

It sounds like they all know (including your sisters) that what they were doing was wrong and hurtful or they wouldn't have tried to hide it.

Your DM is lashing out because her shit behaviour has been rumbled and you dared to call her out on it. She knows NYD and Christmas are not equivalent but she was quite happy to give you scraps and call it a job well done.

I'm not sure what she expects you to be grateful for. Scraps? If there was a legitimate reason i.e., space issues, etc then that could be explained but in that case-hosting should be moved to where there is space to include everyone-or taken turns if that's not possible. No one should be left out.

If it was me, I would take back control and block DM. Not permanently (if that's your choice) but don't let her control everything here. It sounds like they all dictate things with regards to your relationship with them-it's time that ended. Block her, cool off and have a real, hard thing about how you would like to proceed.

I suspect that if you wait for her to contact you that will grant her more power over you than she deserves and allow her to dictate the course of your relationship with her.

For everyone saying that there must be a reason, sure, there may be a reason or it could be that OP's family are just downright nasty people-and I'm including the sisters in that. If there's a reason, surely that can be communicated to the OP and discussed?

It sounds so underhand and cruel. I do suspect that the reason is nothing more than the OP is the black sheep of the family because all the other siblings are biological children of the SD, and thus, OP is being cast aside to make room for them and for some, that is all there is to it. If that is the case-there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that dynamic, OP. You will then have to decide if you're happy accepting the scraps and resigning yourself to that or if you want to push forward and move on with your DH and children.

I know which option I would choose.

It’s not that they can’t see your point of view, but they don’t want to. Everyone keeping that your stepdad is unwell from you is another layer of them being manipulative. A whole day for you and your family to come over is not the same as having everyone over together. It’s exclusion.

I found great peace in cutting people like this out of my life. It’s sad my daughter doesn’t get a “normal” family but I’d rather that than have to grow up with more issues from badly behaved family.

At the end of the day, you can’t control other people’s actions, only how you respond to them. Some people are just not good parents . But as an adult, you don’t have to tolerate this behaviour.

Absolutely no excuse. You shouldn't have children as an entertainment committee. Choose who you want to hang out with with your mates down the pub but you shouldn't favour one child over the other based on who's more easy to be around short of meanness or abusive behaviour.

I have an 'easy' adult child and a more reserved one and I love and include them equally.

My parents came to ours for Christmas Day. We went all out and made a huge effort. My brother was working so couldn't come. My mum asked me where we got our crackers from because she was looking for some for the dinner she's cooking on Boxing Day. The one she's doing for my brother and nephew, who live with them. The one I, my partner and our 2 kids very obviously weren't invited to.

I was so incredibly hurt by this. My partner thinks she just says things without thinking but it feels deliberate to me. I didn't react, but I take from this a valuable lesson. Don't make such an effort in future, and start matching people's energy. I'm glad I didn't react, but it took a lot. It probably sounds very petty but I just found it incredibly rude and hurtful. A very long line of rude and hurtful behaviour I suppose.

@CoolMoose YANBU. I personally wouldn't go. It isn't cutting your nose off to spite your face. It's self preservation. Do you see yourself going and having a nice time? You can't make people treat you well, so perhaps it's time to focus on your own family and the people who do show you how much they love you.