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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family always leave me out at Christmas…

233 replies

CoolMoose · 25/12/2024 18:30

As the title says really, my family always leave me out at Christmas. I have several sisters and they have children and they are always invited to my parents at Christmas. They can sleep over and have Christmas dinner together and everything.

Last year I kicked up a bit of a fuss because we are never invited Christmas Eve/Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I made it clear to my parents that it hurts that they never want to see me, my husband and children at Christmas but always have my sisters over. After being ignored for several days after saying I felt upset, my parents said we could go to theirs for dinner last year but they said it was the last time they were having anyone over at Christmas because they are getting too old (early 60s).

So fast forward to this year, I assumed no one was going around over Christmas and my parents told me that they were assigning a set day to each child over the festive period to make it more manageable. I was totally ok with that until I tried to call everyone today to wish my sisters and parents merry Christmas. No one answered at first, then my sister called me back. It turns out they are all round my parents for Christmas dinner whereas we have been assigned New Year’s Day.

AIBU for now not wanting to go on New Year’s Day? I have only seen my parents twice in the last 12 months because they always make excuses, but I find it stressful to constantly put my feelings aside…

OP posts:
Bachboo · 29/12/2024 21:03

RareLilacFinch · 27/12/2024 02:56

Your sister sounds like a piece of work. She’s serving as the messenger so your mother can bully you (swearing, threats) while also stonewalling you. If I were you I’d tell her you don’t need to hear what your mother has to say unless she can say it directly to you.

I can’t understand the cognitive dissonance your sisters have around you being systematically excluded. Their excuses don’t make sense - if your stepdad is sick then they should have hosted nobody.

Your mother is trying to scare you into backing down by saying that “things will be very different”. Don’t allow yourself to be baited into reacting as she wants - what you need to do here is drop the rope. Calmly repeat the same sentence, “we were the only ones excluded from Christmas so we’re focussing on our own little family” or similar. Don’t let them distract from what they’ve done by engaging with anything they allege you’ve done - make sure the fact that you have been left out is repeated ad nauseam.

Show quote history

This is a perfect response. OP use this.

pikkumyy77 · 29/12/2024 21:05

Gabitule · 29/12/2024 20:45

OP, my heart goes to you, the rejection must feel so painful.

I don’t want to upset you but, other than being a step child to your mother’s husband, could you think of any other reasons that might make them want to avoid spending time with you? For example, my best friend is much more successful than her family and is also a bit ‘colder’ in her personality. Her mother prefers to spend her time with my friend’s sister who is warm and super chatty and humble. Of course my best friend is an amazing human, which is why she is my best friend, but I can see how her mother’s personality (and social status) makes it easier for her to connect with her other daughter.

You said you are successful. Is it possible that your parents think that you’re looking down on them or being arrogant about your success?
Are you perceived as difficult to communicate with, argumentative, etc?

You don’t need to reply to this message, just answer these questions to yourself.

i would also suggest asking your DSs to tell you honestly if they think there’s anything in your behaviour which your parents might struggle with.

please believe me that I’m not trying to suggest you are to blame at all for how your parents are treating you, but it’s important to look at things from all points of view

Really? You think your post doesn’t lead to self blame?

CornishIrish · 29/12/2024 21:06

I am so sorry. Families being hurtful and rejecting is very hard. I have found it easier just to step back to be honest. I give them very little thought now and it’s a lot easier than always picking at a wound.

I have nurtured my own brilliant little family of my husband and children who I adore and we are as close as can be. I don’t feel like I need them anymore now.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:08

AdviceAdvice123 · 26/12/2024 08:23

I’m sorry OP, I hope you had a nice day with your husband and children.

Im afraid it probably is because because you’re the eldest and it’s your stepdad. I have this with my father, my parents divorced and he went on to have two more children. I got pushed further and further away until I was told I was only an obligation, not family. That was ten years ago and in some ways it was very freeing. But I’m still lying in bed on Boxing Day morning, almost 40, feeling sorry for myself because my father has no interest in me.

You can control this relationship now. You know how they have - repeatedly - treated you. You are under no obligation to treat them better than they have treated you.

Jesus, who the eff said that to you? And what did your mum say?

Branwells77 · 29/12/2024 21:10

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this I do wonder if it is because you are not biologically your step Dads if that is the case then your Mum doesn’t deserve the title Mum because no mother should ever do what she is doing I would distance yourself I know it’s difficult but honestly over time you will feel so much better in yourself and do you really want your children around someone like that because chances are she will treat your children differently to the other grandchildren start your own family traditions I wouldn’t contact any of them going forward see how long it takes them to reach out to you
Good luck OP and best wishes for 2025

Nofrogslegs · 29/12/2024 21:11

You’re right to have called them out on this. Appalling attitude from your mum, it’s not a one off, they’ve been doing this to you for no reason for years. I’d probably not rush to reply once they’ve decided they can spare the time for you in the new year. They aren’t considering you, don’t you consider them, consider your own family (DH, DC) and let them get on with their selfish, inconsiderate lives.

Gabitule · 29/12/2024 21:11

pikkumyy77 · 29/12/2024 21:05

Really? You think your post doesn’t lead to self blame?

Show quote history

Self-awareness maybe, but definitely not self-blame. OP may already know the answers to my questions, or maybe she will go through them in her mind and decide that she really hasn’t done or said anything to make her parents avoid her company. Or maybe she’ll think that she can sometimes come across the wrong way or be misunderstood… There’s no harm in looking at the situation from all points of view, regardless of the conclusions reached.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:12

CoolMoose · 26/12/2024 19:56

Update on this, I decided to send my parents a msg saying I won’t be going NYD because I’m upset that everyone else was at theirs Christmas and they tried to hide it from me.

My mum is fuming at me for being ungrateful that she allocated a full day for me on New Year’s Day and I’m ungrateful. She is mad that she bought food and she hasn’t responded to my msg or tried to call, but my sister has told me she is swearing and really mad with me. She has told my sister she wont be speaking with me until the new year now and she’s sick of me and things will be very different from now on.

I feel better for saying how I feel, but worse because I can’t understand why my parents can’t see my point of view.

So basically your mother will not tolerate you standing up for yourself, even when she is CLEARLY in the wrong. Jesus, OP, she sounds absolutely awful. I know it must really hurt, but on the other hand, at least you're not trapped with this God-awful pair like your sisters are. It might be a weird kind of blessing that they don't want you around. I know that's not the point, but they really do sound horrible.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:17

TwoSwansFromMyWindow · 26/12/2024 21:53

I agree, there will be a reason.Are your kids a handful? Does your DH get vry drunk? Do you think they like him well enough in general?

It's crap for you, I know, but there will definitely be a reason.

Edited
Show quote history

Sometimes the reason is that some people are nasty pieces of work.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:22

CraftyOP · 27/12/2024 00:35

Sounds so awful especially as your birth dad isn't on the scene must be really painful. Are you sisters happy and settled? It's awful because sometimes the functional/settled child is seen as less interesting/needy or actually threatening to them. It's baffling that your own mum can think this but very common. I've not been able to stay at my mums for years because my sibling is living there and got ditched for Christmas and awful having to tell the kids. My in laws haven't visited us for 5 years but visit other children all the time and keep it secret, again horrible for our kids and that's the worst bit. All I can say is you're not alone and boundaries help, what is the most/least you can manage and have some agency about it. It's not you it's them and I'm sorry because it really hurts but just be glad you wouldn't treat someone like that and you're with someone who loves you. In my experience confronting doesn't do much

Confronting lets them know they haven't got away with it, though, and I think that's important.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 21:23

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 22:03

Your mum is awful 😞 it’s sad that she’s let a man into her family who treats one of her children as inferior and she’s joined in too.

Sounds like they all see you as some sort of scapegoat too. Definitely consider going low contact with them all. For your siblings to go along with this all reflects poorly on them too too.

It actually sounds like the mum is the worst, and possibly the instigator.

Mirabai · 29/12/2024 21:30

Horrible. Fwiw if you were my sister I would never let my parents treat you like that, nor would my own parents even consider it.

Sometimes when you walk away from people they run after you.

I would turn the tables on your mum and tell her you’re not interested in meeting us with her on her current behaviour.

viques · 29/12/2024 21:31

They sound mean. Are you closer to your husbands family? Maybe concentrate on those relationships rather than try to force your way past the barriers your own family are putting up.

Timeforsnacks · 29/12/2024 21:32

I'd ask my sister's to find out why I wasn't invited and tell me the honest truth even if it breaks my heart. Your reaction to message DM and turn NYD down now means you haven't got any answers and she's probably too angry to want to tell you but I bet she's ranted to your sisters

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2024 21:32

I think your Mothers behaviour is disgraceful. She’s blatantly favouring your half siblings and deflecting your hurt as your fault.
I think your siblings are not much better if they can’t see how disproportionately you are being treated they are blind , entitled or both.

I don’t know what the answer is OP . Your Mother and Step Father are so lost in their narrative I don’t know if they could see anyone else’s point of view but their own.

Focus on the positive relationships in your life OP. This isn’t a reflection on you

Tiredofallthis101 · 29/12/2024 21:33

Horrible behaviour. Don't, whatever you do, apologise or let them rug sweep this. Ask how grateful they would be if the reverse happened and your other sisters felt they were being very gracious by allocating New Year's Day to see their parents. A whole day, what more could they want? Hopefully that will help them see your POV.

More likely though, they won't and you will be in a position of either having to just suck it up or not speak to them any more. What you decide to do will depend on your feelings but I know for me I'd be leaving them to contact me from now on and put in minimum effort.

GRCP · 29/12/2024 21:35

OP it's not you, it's them. This must be so hurtful but just remember that. Why on Earth should you be grateful? Awful attitude. X

Sunshineandoranges · 29/12/2024 21:42

Appalling behaviour..you deserve much better

Brinkley22 · 29/12/2024 21:43

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2024 21:32

I think your Mothers behaviour is disgraceful. She’s blatantly favouring your half siblings and deflecting your hurt as your fault.
I think your siblings are not much better if they can’t see how disproportionately you are being treated they are blind , entitled or both.

I don’t know what the answer is OP . Your Mother and Step Father are so lost in their narrative I don’t know if they could see anyone else’s point of view but their own.

Focus on the positive relationships in your life OP. This isn’t a reflection on you

I agree that they are lost in their narrative - and I would think that your sisters have also been swept up in this narrative which seems to put all the ‘bad’ onto you. It’s not you. It’s not about you.
I would recommend therapy to support you to work through this and understand what is going on and then make an informed decision about how you are going to protect yourself emotionally in the future. I found therapy enormously helpful in understanding family dynamics.

PorridgeEater · 29/12/2024 21:47

"I think your Mothers behaviour is disgraceful. She’s blatantly favouring your half siblings and deflecting your hurt as your fault."

I agree - and the lying and deception are inexcusable.
If you really want to stay in touch with these people it may be best to keep it to a minimum. I hope you can have happier celebrations with your husband's family (you said they lived far away but the travelling may be worth it).

Catpuss66 · 29/12/2024 21:50

You have no control over them only the way you react. Your mother blaming you is deflecting, she knows you are right, trying to blame you for a perceived wrong against her when actually you were calling out her bad behaviour. You are entitled to feel the way you do. I would not react that’s what they expect that’s how they would react. Sending hugs.x

Beccy1990 · 29/12/2024 21:51

Your family sound awful. It doesn’t sound like you will change them or make them understand. I’d just not contact them and see if they contact you. If they don’t think it will be very telling.

DaniO2 · 29/12/2024 21:51

Gosh what a horrible thing for your mother to do. I think the sisters are probably just going along with how things have always been. Your stepfather might see his other daughter's differently, but your mother is behaving terribly. She is now trying to blame you for her excluding you.

Honestly, I can see how it's really hard to go no contact, but the way they are treating you and putting you down and gas-lighting you is terrible. I think this is one of those rare occasions were you might be better off stepping back from them for a while.

I'd send a succinct message to your mother saying how hurtful and nasty she has been. She knew you felt excluded last year and she has done the same thing this year making you see them on a different day to everyone else. So you won't be going on NYD.

She should not be bad-mouthing you to your sisters or anyone. She was told how her exclusion made you feel, then they all met up without you again. No matter how she spins this - or how any of them try to spin this - they are acting terribly. Not you.

Don't let them try to blame this on you or make you feel guilty because they are suddenly sharing you step father is ill. They really are being horribly manipulative on top of excluding you, OP. You don't deserve that. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you are being unreasonable here.

DaniO2 · 29/12/2024 21:52

Catpuss66 · 29/12/2024 21:50

You have no control over them only the way you react. Your mother blaming you is deflecting, she knows you are right, trying to blame you for a perceived wrong against her when actually you were calling out her bad behaviour. You are entitled to feel the way you do. I would not react that’s what they expect that’s how they would react. Sending hugs.x

100% @Catpuss66

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 22:09

I’m sorry if you’ve said and I somehow missed it, but have you asked them why they do this?

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