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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

315 replies

Noihin · 25/12/2024 10:58

My mum was one of 5 siblings, and when my GPs died over 20 years ago, the siblings divided their parents belongings amongst each other. GPs were not wealthy but had some nice things. My mum got their wedding silver. Mum was really happy and we used them every Christmas. It was a big deal for her. I was also close to my GPs.

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her. We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad, and we prefer it that way. I told her no. And that we use it, and it is part of our tradition.

I have grown really close to this aunt since my mums death. She has no children of her own and has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc. I have thought we have a genuine love for each other.

Now, i'm at my dads and i saw that the silver is gone. My dad said aunt came and demanded it last summer and he gave it her. He says its only materia and he doesn't think its right but he doesn't care.
I am deeply hurt. She went behind my back to do this, and has not once mentioned this to me all this time. I texted her to ask why she did this and she turned defensive and nasty. A side i've never seen if her before. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed and manipulated. The monetary value is not much, but its the greed, betrayal and disregard, as well as seeing the shady side of her that has shaken me. I don't know what to do. Im very bad at keeping up the appearances if someone has hurt me. On the other hand my children will miss her if i stop seeing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noihin · 26/12/2024 07:43

@The7Vabo I agree. Its only stuff. And that's not what im most upset about. She can keep the set. Its tainted to me now anyways and i wouldn't enjoy it.
What i am upset about is aunts lack of consideration and acting dishonest behind our backs. I don't expect that from someone i love. And i also feel like she is posthumously invalidating my mum by saying the set wasnt even hers, when in my mums reality it was very much hers.

And i don't want to invest in relationships that require acting out some fake closeness and ignore hurtful things. That's not me. I can't act something hasnt happened, when it definitely happended. And thats sad.

OP posts:
nomoretreats · 26/12/2024 07:53

What do the rest of your mums siblings have e to say about your aunt claiming the set as her own?

Twobigbabies · 26/12/2024 07:58

I've seen relationships on both sides of my family completely destroyed by disputes over inheritance. It's incredibly sad. Yes your aunt did a horrible thing but no one is perfect. I would go cool with her for a while but maybe in time see if you can rebuild your relationship. Any sentimental value this set has for you will be multiplied for her. It's an object of little worth I would try to let it go.

the7Vabo · 26/12/2024 08:01

Noihin · 26/12/2024 07:43

@The7Vabo I agree. Its only stuff. And that's not what im most upset about. She can keep the set. Its tainted to me now anyways and i wouldn't enjoy it.
What i am upset about is aunts lack of consideration and acting dishonest behind our backs. I don't expect that from someone i love. And i also feel like she is posthumously invalidating my mum by saying the set wasnt even hers, when in my mums reality it was very much hers.

And i don't want to invest in relationships that require acting out some fake closeness and ignore hurtful things. That's not me. I can't act something hasnt happened, when it definitely happended. And thats sad.

But to give her the benefit of the doubt - was she saying it was her parent’s set?

If your aunt has been good to you and your kids, I’d urge you not to throw that away. Kids really benefit from those kind of relationships.

You don’t have to be fake, you can tell her you were upset about it and try to move past it.

If you look at it from her POV she might have thought you were being insensitive to her sentiment.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2024 08:04

And i don't want to invest in relationships that require acting out some fake closeness and ignore hurtful things.

yet you haven't had a proper conversation with her?

you seem to have a very totalitarian approach to relationships, where everything has to be perfect and things have to be done your way, with no reprieve or ability for the other poor unsuspecting individual the chance for dialogue.

all over some silver that wasn't your's.

Original poster
Noihin · 26/12/2024 08:15

daisychain01 · 26/12/2024 08:04

And i don't want to invest in relationships that require acting out some fake closeness and ignore hurtful things.

yet you haven't had a proper conversation with her?

you seem to have a very totalitarian approach to relationships, where everything has to be perfect and things have to be done your way, with no reprieve or ability for the other poor unsuspecting individual the chance for dialogue.

all over some silver that wasn't your's.

Conversations require both parties to come together in good will and open heart. She turned nasty and defensive when i asked her why she did it. I told her im hurt. So unless she reaches out to me with anything other than defensive invalidating comments, then i say it is not possible to talk. Talk and understanding is a two way street.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noihin · 26/12/2024 08:19

nomoretreats · 26/12/2024 07:53

What do the rest of your mums siblings have e to say about your aunt claiming the set as her own?

I don't know if they know. I won't be the one blowing this up. There's a big family wedding coming up and i am not going to ruin the occasion for everyone by airing this out just before. This family doesn't even usually do confrontation. Ive never seen them argue. That's why it was also a shock she reacted the way she did.

OP posts:
BishyBarnyBee · 26/12/2024 08:27

There is a completely different way to look at this. The set was an important part of family tradition for both your aunt and your mother. It's not part of family tradition for your dad. Your aunt asked your dad for the set because it meant a lot to her. It didn't mean a lot to him, so he gave it to her.

Hand knitted socks are a present that has a lot of love and time invested in it. It makes me sad when people invest a lot of effort in handmade gifts as I think they are often not appreciated as the recipient has no idea what has gone into the making of them.

Your aunt is one of the few people who can link you to your mother as a child. You have a choice now. You can ramp up the resentment and self-righteousness, ruin your relationship with one of the few people who can connect you to your mother. Or you could recognise that she was acting out of her love for her own mother - and sister - and move on.

BestZebbie · 26/12/2024 08:29

Noihin · 25/12/2024 11:15

Im so sad. Not even angry. I just opened a present from her. Hand-knitted socks! They completely lack the warmth i thought there was in between us. Thats hurts more than the silver. She can keep it.

Just to correct a misconception here - if she made those hand-knitted socks for you herself that shows a great deal of affection.
The price of the yarn alone would buy you several pairs of decent high street socks and the time required to do the thousands of tiny stitches required is immense (and then you have to do it again exactly the same for the second sock). The exact total stitch-count varies depending on pattern but it can be as many as ~40k stitches overall, which can take time equal to half a week of full-time work (or considerably more if she has only recently learned!).

cuteyfluff · 26/12/2024 08:43

BestZebbie · 26/12/2024 08:29

Just to correct a misconception here - if she made those hand-knitted socks for you herself that shows a great deal of affection.
The price of the yarn alone would buy you several pairs of decent high street socks and the time required to do the thousands of tiny stitches required is immense (and then you have to do it again exactly the same for the second sock). The exact total stitch-count varies depending on pattern but it can be as many as ~40k stitches overall, which can take time equal to half a week of full-time work (or considerably more if she has only recently learned!).

Show quote history

I know I was shocked at the slagging off of the socks!

CarefulN0w · 26/12/2024 08:51

Someone slagging off hand knitted socks isn't someone who isn't materialistic.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/12/2024 08:51

ACatNamedRobin · 25/12/2024 11:10

She "has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc"

To look at her side of this, isn't she allowed the cutlery given all that she's done for you?
After all from the sentimental side it's something left from the aunt's parents. And monetarily, the babysitting etc has probably been worth more than the cutlery.

No. Cutlery was given to OP’s mum. Because she has passed away it’s now part of OP’s dad’s estate. Auntie effectively coerced him into giving it up. That’s no better than stealing. Disgusting to suggest that just being a close family member has some monetary value.

okright · 26/12/2024 09:01

Hurtful!

From her point of view, hers. Her family. Her heritage. You're a child and not considered.

From yours her actions negate the years of memory and love imbued in the object. It compounds the loss of your mum.

I'm projecting as I have a childless close aunt. The relationship is often transactional from her perspective. I give her family and heritage and future proofing. God forgive me for saying this as I know it's hurtful to people who haven't had kids but she doesn't have the perspective of someone who has children and often quite self focussed in her actions as a result.

okright · 26/12/2024 09:03

Wwyd? Acknowledge the hurt and tell her it will take a while to get over and really you think she should give it back or part of it back. Take your time to get over it and accept the relationship had changeg but keep it going for your children. That's probably what I'd do.

the7Vabo · 26/12/2024 09:14

BishyBarnyBee · 26/12/2024 08:27

There is a completely different way to look at this. The set was an important part of family tradition for both your aunt and your mother. It's not part of family tradition for your dad. Your aunt asked your dad for the set because it meant a lot to her. It didn't mean a lot to him, so he gave it to her.

Hand knitted socks are a present that has a lot of love and time invested in it. It makes me sad when people invest a lot of effort in handmade gifts as I think they are often not appreciated as the recipient has no idea what has gone into the making of them.

Your aunt is one of the few people who can link you to your mother as a child. You have a choice now. You can ramp up the resentment and self-righteousness, ruin your relationship with one of the few people who can connect you to your mother. Or you could recognise that she was acting out of her love for her own mother - and sister - and move on.

Id urge you to move past this OP. No doubt your aunt has a completely different perspective on this.

You continue with your all or nothing approach to relationships or you could recognise that people, all of us are flawed, and move on.

I regret some of the relationships I have lost by not letting things go.

the7Vabo · 26/12/2024 09:16

okright · 26/12/2024 09:01

Hurtful!

From her point of view, hers. Her family. Her heritage. You're a child and not considered.

From yours her actions negate the years of memory and love imbued in the object. It compounds the loss of your mum.

I'm projecting as I have a childless close aunt. The relationship is often transactional from her perspective. I give her family and heritage and future proofing. God forgive me for saying this as I know it's hurtful to people who haven't had kids but she doesn't have the perspective of someone who has children and often quite self focussed in her actions as a result.

I always find people usually preface saying something truly awful with “God forgive me..”

People who don’t have children are no more selfish then anyone else. Awful statement to make.

okright · 26/12/2024 09:20

I know it's a kind of shitty thing to say which I why I acknowledged it could be hurtful. I meant less selfish and more unaware. I feel the ops aunt hasn't considered her as child of the dead sister

But like I said could just be an individual thing I've experienced with one person.

the7Vabo · 26/12/2024 09:30

okright · 26/12/2024 09:20

I know it's a kind of shitty thing to say which I why I acknowledged it could be hurtful. I meant less selfish and more unaware. I feel the ops aunt hasn't considered her as child of the dead sister

But like I said could just be an individual thing I've experienced with one person.

You could equally make a blanket statement that people with children think the world revolves around them & their children. Which isn’t of course true in all cases. Nor is it true that people without children are any more selfish or “unaware” than anyone else.

I think I’ve read most of the OP’s posts. I haven’t seen her once acknowledge that her aunt too is dealing with grief and sentiment having lost both her parents and her sister.

I would think it odd if my niece claimed to be as attached to an object gifted to my parents that I grew up with as I am.
As the OP has explained it I understand why the OP is also attached to the set. But I can see why the aunt might struggle to get it.

Newdaynewstarts · 26/12/2024 09:37

If it belonged to your dad why would she ask your permission. It’s his.
I was with you until you said it was your grandparents wedding gift.
I mean come on you must be able to see from her pov … why should her bil, who is now in a new relationship, have her parents wedding present !

Original poster
Noihin · 26/12/2024 09:53

CarefulN0w · 26/12/2024 08:51

Someone slagging off hand knitted socks isn't someone who isn't materialistic.

I don't slag off the socks 😆 She is a pro-knitter. I thanked her for them, even though i was hurt by the othef stuff. And i actually prefer hand-knitted socks over any other present. Im a knitter myself. My mum was a pro-knitter. I know the amount of work that goes into them. I have about 20 pairs of hand-knitted socks in my house made by her or my mum over the years. I love them!

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 26/12/2024 10:23

Noihin · 26/12/2024 09:53

I don't slag off the socks 😆 She is a pro-knitter. I thanked her for them, even though i was hurt by the othef stuff. And i actually prefer hand-knitted socks over any other present. Im a knitter myself. My mum was a pro-knitter. I know the amount of work that goes into them. I have about 20 pairs of hand-knitted socks in my house made by her or my mum over the years. I love them!

Show quote history

OP it sounds like your aunt has been a such of comfort to you since your mother’s death. That she represents the familiar. You’d be losing a lot to let all that go.

NCembarassed · 26/12/2024 10:26

It's shit how inheritance turns people.

My Dad died a while back. Sib is preventing any distribution of the Estate as I won't agree to their terms (which is more 80:20 in their favour). I'm not close to the extended family, but was hoping to change that- and they said they're open to it at the funeral. Since then, Sib has been meeting up with everyone, bad-mouthing me and saying I won't allow distribution.

Family (Dad's remaining sibs) have taken my Sibs side. I have evidence (lots) but still want to allow them to be neutral. They don't want to be. So I've never had that sib relationship (he's abusive to me), but I've now lost my extended family.

westisbest1982 · 26/12/2024 10:34

Nobody has inherited anything in this situation, which is part of the issue.

Why oh why can’t some people with estates of any amounts get their shit together and cough up a few hundred lousy quid to sort out a will? It would mean a hell of a lot less heartbreak and stress amongst some bereaved families.

Blanketssese · 26/12/2024 10:34

OP your aunt has chosen to damage your relationship with her awful behaviour.
I think you definitely should inform your siblings BEFORE the wedding.
They are entitled to know.

Its beyond the item, it is just shabby vulgar behaviour that I wouldn't want to be around.

Calliecarpa · 26/12/2024 10:36

Noihin · 26/12/2024 09:53

I don't slag off the socks 😆 She is a pro-knitter. I thanked her for them, even though i was hurt by the othef stuff. And i actually prefer hand-knitted socks over any other present. Im a knitter myself. My mum was a pro-knitter. I know the amount of work that goes into them. I have about 20 pairs of hand-knitted socks in my house made by her or my mum over the years. I love them!

Show quote history

I don't slag off the socks

You kind of did, though, by writing "Hand-knitted socks! They completely lack the warmth i thought there was in between us."

The exclamation mark, and the way you seem to think someone making a personal gift for you with her own hands 'completely lacks' any warmth, does come across as slagging off the gift.