Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

[Noihin]

My mum was one of 5 siblings, and when my GPs died over 20 years ago, the siblings divided their parents belongings amongst each other. GPs were not wealthy but had some nice things. My mum got their wedding silver. Mum was really happy and we used them every Christmas. It was a big deal for her. I was also close to my GPs.

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her. We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad, and we prefer it that way. I told her no. And that we use it, and it is part of our tradition.

I have grown really close to this aunt since my mums death. She has no children of her own and has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc. I have thought we have a genuine love for each other.

Now, i'm at my dads and i saw that the silver is gone. My dad said aunt came and demanded it last summer and he gave it her. He says its only materia and he doesn't think its right but he doesn't care.
I am deeply hurt. She went behind my back to do this, and has not once mentioned this to me all this time. I texted her to ask why she did this and she turned defensive and nasty. A side i've never seen if her before. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed and manipulated. The monetary value is not much, but its the greed, betrayal and disregard, as well as seeing the shady side of her that has shaken me. I don't know what to do. Im very bad at keeping up the appearances if someone has hurt me. On the other hand my children will miss her if i stop seeing her.

It WAS her Dad's to give away. And if the Dad marries the girlfriend and dies, it would be that wife's, unless he specifically mentions it in a will. The OP mentions inheritance laws. That's how it works.

No, it’s someone else’s wedding, it wouldn’t be fair to have a row about a set of silverware overshadow it.

In rows about inheritance somebody often has to choose to be the bigger person.

The reality is that it wasn’t the OP silverware, it was in her dad’s house, it was his to give and he did. He is fully mentally competent but the sounds of things.

Don’t let a row about stuff destroy a family.

Wow, you changed your tune and escalated a situation OP. And your reaction appears somewhat extreme
You 'loved' her because she helped with your family, lent you her car, etc, yet you are throwing this in the air because of a bit of your Grandparent's silver that you only use at Christmas?
Yes, your mum got this when her parents died, but your Aunt, as a daughter of your GP, and as a sister to your mum, might well have thought that it was to be hers after your mum died (because originally, the silver had been her mum and dad,s). Who knows what your mum, aunt and other siblings agreed when they divied your GP belongings between them. You may be assuming it should be yours because of 'tradition', but your mum may have verbally agreed it went to your aunt when she died.
I think if you're prepared to go NC with this woman after something you could actually solve by having oh, I don't know, oh yes, a conversation, after all she has done for you, I think a look in the mirror is called for.

I think the silver was your Dad's to give away. I think any anger should be directed at him. Why didn't he tell you in the summer?

I kinda understand your aunt in that she felt a connection to the silver and probably thought your dad didn't (and maybe she was right given he gave them to her) and you didn't physically own the silver so were not connected to it. Had you and your siblings taken some of the bits I think your aunt would never have asked for anything.

I think you are right and your aunt is upset that your dad has moved on. She is still grieving her sister.

I understand you are hurting but take some time and see if you can forgive her.

Which country are you in that the children not the spouse inherit?

The Netherlands, for instance.

Not true.

The exclamation mark was to point out the dissonance there is between these two actions. Handmade versus sneakyness. It is showing my confusion about the relationship.
I have a hand knitted pair i remeber my mum knitting for me and they are my prized possession (more important than this family silver for sure). I dont even let my kids wear them, no matter how cold. I can see her knitting 'handwriting' in them and that is beyond precious.

My aunt is a skilled knitter. She knits dozens of things for all her nieces and nephews each year (at least for the ones she knows appreciate them. Like i do).

So five siblings, one (your mum) died.

Three siblings have 1/5 of family things/stuff/memories.

And one of them, unbeknown to the others, has 2/5.

I would be talking about this to other relatives, wedding or not.

Do the other cousins know if their parent dies it might happen to them too, they lose the stuff their parent cherished?

Why does your aunt want more than anyone else?

What do you think this would achieve I wonder?

It seems like you are where you are with this now op. You have decided that you no longer want the silver and you no longer want a relationship with your aunt?

The Christmas pies have become even more elaborate today.

Hope another day going by has helped calm your feelings op.

could you try unblocking your aunt and messaging her to say that you think you understand why she didn’t want your dad to have the silver due to his new relationship. But could she explain why she doesn’t think you are the rightful person to have it? Say that while it holds memories of your grandparents for you, it now has happy memories of your mother using it on special occasions. You had left it with your father as he was continuing to host events for your family, but you had always assumed you would continue to build those happy memories of it with your children, and one day would pass to them. Say that you don’t understand why she didn’t talk to you if she wasn’t happy.

she’d have to be very hard hearted to not respond.

To get it all out in the open. The aunt does not have first dibs on stuff left by her parents as there are four other siblings.

Just report it then.

In that case, the dad should have given it to OP after her mother passed.

I agree that technically, it should stay in that line, but the silver belonged to the aunt's mother and the aunt will have lots of happy memories of them using it as a family. Now that her sister isn't here to benefit from it, I can quite see why the aunt wants a turn with it. OP wasn't using it at this time anyway - it was with the dad.

I love a point made by another poster, “when she gets old and lonely she will realise the cutlery won’t be able to speak to her”.

unfortunately money shows people’s true hearts. That silverware wasn’t just a reminder of your GP’s but now your mum also and she knows this. Sneaking behind your back to your dad to collect something you said you wanted and not mentioning it because she KNOWS what she did was wrong. Sorry but I would cut her off, the children will get over it.

I would send a sharply worded text reiterating that it wasn’t hers to take, you made it clear you wanted it and she was extremely granny and disrespectful. I’d say you have been rethinking if you want someone like that around you and indeed your children and literally say that if she finds herself alone one day you wonder how much comfort the dinnerware will be to her!

This.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable.

even legally, the items belonged to your mum and as a result, sans her making other arrangements, her husband and then children. Siblings are not entitled to remove items from a spouse or offspring.

She’s shown a horrible side of herself. If you want a conversation about it, I’d let her know you were shocked she had preyed on your father in this way and you want to understand why she doesn’t respect you and the rest of her sisters family.

I’d let it go, maybe she is going to use them regularly, whereas you / your siblings would probably only use them once a year, can you agree with her that they are to be left to you and your siblings when she passes away,
She behaved in an underhanded way but it’s not the hill I would want to die on, if she is generally ok just focus on her other good qualities and move on.

Yes basically this. You reap what you sow.

That's how I see it. The father gave them to her over the summer - six months ago? - and it's only just been noticed. The aunt probably looks at them every day.

ALL I GOT FROM MY BOYFRIEND WAS A BOX OF CHOCOLATES!
My boyfriend of 5 months has had 2 holidays with his mates during this time (both arranged before we met). Both times he brought me back perfume he had purchased in the airport duty free shop. They were not favourites of mine but I really appreciated the thoughtfulness. This is our first Christmas together. I was shopping in Pavers and there was a good sale on mens' boots (which he needs). I took a pic of a smart pair costing £75 (now half price) and sent it asking if he liked them. He replied "Yes please, size 8.". He didn't ask what they cost, he presumed I was buying them for his Christmas as he never offered to pay or ask to see them when I returned from shopping. I was happy to to buy them and also bought him a dressing gown from Next. He asked me what I'd like for Christmas and I replied that I didn't NEED anything. I helped him choose nice gifts for his two DD. On Christmas day he was invited to join my brother and his wife for dinner. He gave me a £5 box of CHOCOLATES for my Christmas ! I know I said I didn't need anything but still I feel so disappointed! AIBU

This is why making a will is so important.

THIS ^

Start your own thread.

You were gaslighted. No way I'd speak to her ever again. What a witch.