Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

[Noihin]

My mum was one of 5 siblings, and when my GPs died over 20 years ago, the siblings divided their parents belongings amongst each other. GPs were not wealthy but had some nice things. My mum got their wedding silver. Mum was really happy and we used them every Christmas. It was a big deal for her. I was also close to my GPs.

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her. We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad, and we prefer it that way. I told her no. And that we use it, and it is part of our tradition.

I have grown really close to this aunt since my mums death. She has no children of her own and has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc. I have thought we have a genuine love for each other.

Now, i'm at my dads and i saw that the silver is gone. My dad said aunt came and demanded it last summer and he gave it her. He says its only materia and he doesn't think its right but he doesn't care.
I am deeply hurt. She went behind my back to do this, and has not once mentioned this to me all this time. I texted her to ask why she did this and she turned defensive and nasty. A side i've never seen if her before. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed and manipulated. The monetary value is not much, but its the greed, betrayal and disregard, as well as seeing the shady side of her that has shaken me. I don't know what to do. Im very bad at keeping up the appearances if someone has hurt me. On the other hand my children will miss her if i stop seeing her.

What a truly horrible thing to do and how stupidly short sighted of her trading a relationship with you and your children for a $300 tea set. Whatever you decide to do you have the moral high ground and she ought to be ashamed of herself. Her behaviour has been stupid, greedy and short sighted, I’m not surprised you see her in a different light.

People find tales like the silver set hard to believe, but it does happen.
20 years ago my dear friends MIL was killed in a crash and by the time she got to the house to pick out an outfit her bedroom had been cleared of 75% of her beautiful wardrobe by her 3 sisters.

She could barely find something for her to be dressed in.
They were like locusts.
She never confronted them because the sheer shock of her death and trying to hold her husband up meant she couldn't face it.
But she hasn't gone near them since.
Disgusting behaviour.

For what it's worth, my aunt did something similar but with a photo album that my Grandfather gave to my mother - she pounced on my father about it at the funeral! Thankfully I had the forethought to remove it from the house. I potent a lot of time and money having it professionally copied into a coffee table type book for her, but apparently they just made me evil. She harassed my father (who was unwell) for months, used my infertility as I train I shouldn't get to keep it and eventually forced the rest of the family to take sides (hers) meaning that when my father died, I had no one.
I don't understand some people, but as they say, you can choose your friends ....

In time she'll bitterly regret what she did. I'd cut her off because after what she did I couldn't look at her again. She will lose you and your DC too yet she puts a bit of silver above your relationship. One day she'll be old and alone and it will be her own fault.

I've had a few days to think and although im heartbroken, i am coming to terms with the whole thing. I am planning to text her that she can keep the set and that im not angry but it will take me some to process this.

I have realised that the relationship we had was probably more important to me than to her and she played along. I have missed my mum so much and she was the closest thing to her, being a sister and someone who i would have said was my favourite aunt growing up. But we have a big family and there are alot of nieces and nephews to love, and loosing me is not as big of a deal for her as it is for me loosing her. I also feel to some extent she planned it all by showering me with excessive attention since last Christmas, so that i would be indebted to her and wouldn't feel able to say anything about her taking the set.

Its harsh, but at least i can build my relationship with her now based on true facts, and i think she will just become one another relative to me without any specialness added. Maybe thats how it should have been from the start. I am going to move on and focus more on myself and my kids. I have been betrayed and lied to before by people close to me, so i guess that's why this one hits so hard. I didn't see it coming. I love the saying: when people show you who they are, believe them. And I've decided to do exactly that this time.

Why lie to her? You certainly seemed angry and upset when you posted. Say nothing or say the truth.

Tbh that's your own fault. You meant need in the hope he'd realise you'd (want) like something. He's not that intuitive.

I don't think you should say ether of those things. She needs to be told that your GP passed, the silver to your Mum and not to her. When your Mum passed away, the silver belonged to your Dad and he would then leave it to you and you to your kids. There was never any questioin if her getting it. Effectivly, she has stolen it.

Very sadly this kind of thigs happen a lot and often cause cracks in families. The old 'she always promised the .... to me' is usually the start and it's usually the spouses from outside the family who start it !

It's your Dad who should deal with this with the help of the other aunts/uncles/. He is the who made the mistake and she tricked him/ They can vouch for the fact that the split was mutually agreed.

She needs to know that you aren't fooled by her recent kindness. I wonder if she hadn't been covetting the silver from day 1. Please do't let her get waay with it.

Has she veen snitching other things from other aunts/uncles?

Have an aunt who ‘stole’ items bequeathed to my mother and other siblings, she had history of doing this sort of thing throughout her life, I can never understand how people don’t pull them up on this, as at least it may make other family members aware and hopefully stop it, whether it’s valuable or sentimental it is not on.

@Noihin

I'm sorry for your heartbreak and admire your restraint. Personally I'd go NC. Your plan to step back and go LC is definitely less dramatic.

Don't get sucked into doing eldercare when she needs it.

If she replies and you feel like sharing that, we are here.

Would it be reasonable to ask if she could bequeath you them when she passes? Also, theoretically she had no right to them, they should
pass to your dad and then to whoever he leaves his estate to

Leave her to enjoy the silver in her lonely sad life. And cut her out. Your children won't miss/need the toxicity she brings.

As much as your hurting over your mother your aunt is probably hurting also, this silverware was probably also part of her childhood and memories too, it was her mothers and she felt so strongly that she needed it that she risked hurting other family members for it.
just leave it. Your aunt is also grieving, keep that bond and you may get it back one day in her will.

I think you need to decide what is most important..
The issue in hand. (And I agree with most that it is a despicable thing to do to you - and your father.. although he didn't help matters..)
If you decide you cannot let it drop, (I personally wouldn't) the solution is:
Never letting her see you or your children again.. (But they will get over it in time if you say something about aunty being 'busy' etc..) Although I will say, 'most' prefer families to stay tight..
And lose the babysitting, car rides etc..

NB She doesn't sound the sort of person to 'talk it out.' She made a decision for HER gain and others don't seem to matter it would appear.
I would (again personally,) cut this toxic person out of your life..
Would she be at your father's/a family gathering next Xmas or in the future? If yes, you need to tell her what she has done ... And work around avoiding her..
Sorry to hear of this shTT.. My father gave some family heirlooms to his cleaner when I was not there.. (I know she sold them for their gold value.. so upsetting..)

She's shown you who she really is. It's not a nice look.

She is totally wrong. You could get a lawyer on this. It was given to your Mum and in her passing, it goes to your Dad unless either Will says differently.
Honestly I wouldn’t back down on this on principle but it depends if you want to salvage the relationship. I wouldn’t though, she’s a sneaky manipulator. X

It really really gets to me that MN jumps to NC so easily.
The aunt has been good to the OP - babysitting & lending a car are both v generous.
The comment further up this thread that dealing with childless relative is “transactional”, is just so so awful.
The aunt is also grieving, she has lost both her parents and could well be quite lonely.

@Noihin the only thing I would add is, unless you ask others what was agreed when your Mum got the set you can’t be sure your relationship with Aunt has been deceitful from her side? Maybe they were going to take turns to look after it. Maybe Mum was given it as the rest of what she got was of least worth. Or maybe the others knew she wanted it. But maybe your Aunt wanted it and she and your Mum agreed to share it. Your Aunt should have had a conversation with you but probably assumed your Dad told you and you were aware.

A lawyer would do jackshit. The father willingly gave away HIS property.

I think unless your mother made a will that intended her mother's silver to go to you then legally you hsvent got a leg to stand on if your dad was beneficiary of it or if she died intestate your dad as her spouse would most likely get it unless it was a large estate in which case the first so much goes to him the rest divided - from memory of dealing with my parents affairs.
Morally though....what a bitch, please cut her off completely.

but if what you say is right...Dad inheriting it, then it was his to give away which he did.
.....and we still don't know which country it is where children inherit over a spouse in a case of intestacy......Op keeping very quiet!

I’d play along and steal it back personally then keep it at your house and never allow her back and cut all contact. Cheeky witch!

@Noihin I think your response is very measured. Cutting people out is very difficult and causes a lot of ripples in the wider family group. I have a family member I’d like to cut out but low contact is a better option for everyone else. Sadly I don’t think you will regain that specialness which ultimately will be her loss.

The “silver” - first of all, after your mum died, it belonged to your dad. He gave it to your aunt, she didn’t steal it. It sounds as though it was meaningful to her, having belonged to her parents. Are you even sure it was silver, and not silver plate? You said yourself they weren’t wealthy, so it is unlikely your aunt wanted it for its monetary value. Why don’t you ask her if she’ll leave it to you her will, if she has no children? And use it as an excuse to include her in family events -ask her to bring it along as a family tradition.

Why wasn’t it her Dad's to give away if he wanted to? When one partner in a marriage dies, their property passes to the other partner unless they have made a will saying differently.

The Dad probably didn’t care much about the silver personally but could see that his sister-in-law did, as it had belonged to her parents. The OP should be blaming him, not her aunt, though actually I can see why the aunt might value it (emotionally) more than the OP.