Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

[Noihin]

My mum was one of 5 siblings, and when my GPs died over 20 years ago, the siblings divided their parents belongings amongst each other. GPs were not wealthy but had some nice things. My mum got their wedding silver. Mum was really happy and we used them every Christmas. It was a big deal for her. I was also close to my GPs.

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her. We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad, and we prefer it that way. I told her no. And that we use it, and it is part of our tradition.

I have grown really close to this aunt since my mums death. She has no children of her own and has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc. I have thought we have a genuine love for each other.

Now, i'm at my dads and i saw that the silver is gone. My dad said aunt came and demanded it last summer and he gave it her. He says its only materia and he doesn't think its right but he doesn't care.
I am deeply hurt. She went behind my back to do this, and has not once mentioned this to me all this time. I texted her to ask why she did this and she turned defensive and nasty. A side i've never seen if her before. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed and manipulated. The monetary value is not much, but its the greed, betrayal and disregard, as well as seeing the shady side of her that has shaken me. I don't know what to do. Im very bad at keeping up the appearances if someone has hurt me. On the other hand my children will miss her if i stop seeing her.

Absolutely right on all counts.

How much money do you want to throw at this Op? You can get a solicitor to write a letter that might spook her into giving it back

Ask her why she feels it's hers. Explain that your DM used it on special occasions when you and DF were there, so you feel it's an heirloom from her. Perhaps she feels she has a greater claim to it.
Telling her she stole it is exceptionally difficult to move on from unless you can talk calmly.

My DSister laid claim to all my DM's jewellery etc. She also took photo albums from my DF house in the years following DM death. It's very unfair and not what DM (or either if my parents) intended to happen. But it's something that we both know she did, and I'd rather be the sibling without the stuff than the sibling who took things for herself because she wanted them.

As has been stated about 67 times in the thread, the OP is not in the UK, so UK law where a spouse automatically inherits everything in the absence of a will does not apply.

Having said that, the OP is being cagey about what country she's in whose law apparently states that everything passes to the children of the deceased and nothing to the spouse.

Sorry but that sounds ridiculous and mercenary to me. What is wrong with a gift that took hours of labour? Would you really prefer something just bought in a shop because it was of greater monetary value?

I am feeling extremely sorry for your aunt, and think some of the responses here are disgusting. Your aunt has no children of her own and has been very good to you. You had an attachment to the silver, but so did she, in fact probably more so as it was there during all the years of her childhood. When your Mum died it belonged to your Dad, but she and he both knew that she valued it far more than he did. I don’t see that she has done anything wrong. For all you know, she plans to leave it to you in her will.

Imo you are unkindly cutting off your aunt for no good reason.

You are not being unreasonable at all. She is a narcissistic human....she grew closer to you in order to drop down your guard around her. Leave her out in the cold where she belongs, let the silver keep her company. Explain to your children that due to aunty stealing something that belonged to your mum, they can no longer be around her. Your children will also learn that nasty behaviour such as theft has consequences.
Yes it's only a material item but guess what her actions speak of greed and nothing more. Let her keep ammasiing material items and being on her own....she is definitely a selfish silly cow.

You are given your greedy horrible untrustworthy relations but thank God you can choose your friends.

You had a disagreement and your Dad gave her the silverware. I really don't see anything wrong with it all. She wanted, so did you. He gave it to her. You clearly feel some serious righteous indignation here and are willing to sacrifice the relationship. I can't imagine it would have made your grandparents or your mum happy.

It's pretty shitty behaviour from her, if otherwise she is a decent person then maybe the silver set means more to her than you realise? Maybe it holds special memories for her and is something that helps her to cling on to memories of your nan and mum. Maybe you could ask her to leave it to you when she passes. For her to do this if she is otherwise a good person it must mean an awful lot to her. Is it worth hearing her out and trying to work out why the silver set means that much to her that she would risk upsetting her family over it.

What was written in the will? If there was no will, this sort of thing is precisely why you should make one. Word of mouth means nothing, anyone can claim Mr/Mrs X promised me that 20 years ago with no evidence.

Ultimately you can do nothing other than decide whether or not to kick this woman out of your life.

The silver was her mother's wedding gift, I feel she has more of a right to it than you tbh. When she dies you will get it back!

Give her the socks Back explain how you feel and demand your silver back immediately. See what happens. Then you decide whether you can continue to have a relationship with her

... And stop saying she is a thief. The items legally belonged to your father, and his to do as he wished with. I am sure your gm would have wanted them to go to one ofvher own daughters first and then a granddaughter

I'm shocked at the amount of people accusing you of being 'grabby' over this, OP - you've repeatedly stated that the items aren't worth anything but have sentimental value to you. That your aunt can't see why you might be attached to items from your GPs house when you were very close, and that the attachment may be more personal since losing Mum, speaks more about her than you.

I do think your Dad was out of order to hand it over without consulting you. He clearly did that for his own benefit as he wanted her off his back.

I'd be distancing myself from her going forward. She IS grabby and manipulative and doesn't deserve any special attention.

Unfortunately, death can really bring out the worst in people, OP.

I don't know if it's me getting confused, or previous posters.

My understanding is that the silver was a wedding gift to the OP's grandparents, who were also the aunt's parents.

The laws of inheritance where all these people are citizens, state that personal possessions of a deceased are handed down directly to their children i.e. this set of silver belongs to the OP and her siblings, but that they had decided it should stay in the family home until their father passes on. The aunt and living siblings of hers all got other of their late parents' possessions when the OP's mother got the silver.

The silver was not OP's father's to give away to his sister in law, who knew that the OP in particular, had great affection for it and did not want it to leave her branch of the family.

The OP's distress is that knowing this, her aunt, who she thought she had a warm and loving relationship with, covertly went behind her back and pressured her father to hand it over, knowing the upset that would cause.

Regardless of the item, or its monetary value, I would also be upset and angry at the turn of events. I'd also be annoyed at my father, who, technically, according to what we've been told, had no right to gift away any of his late wife's personal belongings and could well have predicted this outcome. Despite the aunt's pressure he should have said I'm sorry, but if you want something of your sister's then you need to talk to my children, I can't speak for them.

Edit
@BigSilly if the silver meant so much to the aunt, she could have negotiated to take it when her parents died. She obviously had something else instead and it's been a very long time that it's been in the OP's family, virtually all her life.

What would your mum have wanted? Do you think she would have wanted her sister to have the silver to remember her and their mother? Perhaps that's the only relevant question to ask.

If you think mum definitely would have wanted your father to have it then pursue it further. If part of you is unsure what your mother would have wanted then the it's a grey area. Perhaps the sisters discussed it informally before she died?

If you feel like taking the set is truly down to fierce loyalty to your mum now that your Dad has moved on and it's upsetting her to think of it becoming another woman's pride and joy. Maybe have a frank discussion with her and see if you can have it at your place? I don't think your grandmothers silver is that important to your Dad. He probably isn't giving it a second thought.

If the law is different in your country and the children inherit and you were just keeping that stuff at your dads house, why can't you say that to her? Tell her it was your mums set and therefore yours, not your dads ro give away. Get the set back!

I am sorry your aunt has turned like this, it is hurtful. She was in the wrong, however there's not much you can do about it. I don't know how old she is but people can become a bit like that as they age, especially those with no children - not all, I hasten to say, but some definitely do, I've seen it.

There's nothing you can do about it now, please treat your aunt as you always have, be the bigger person. In the scheme of things, this is not a big issue and certainly not worth falling out over. If the silver gives her pleasure, let it be. No doubt she will leave it to you when she passes anyway.

(You said, "...borrowing me her car, etc". How can she 'borrow' you her car :-) ?)

So the aunt spent 20 years loving her niece and grand nieces/nephews. The OP describes her as being like another grandmother. She was so present in their lives that the children would notice their great aunt not being around.

She has likely spent the cost of the £200-300 silver 5 times over in help, gifts and treats. All as a ruse waiting for the OP to let her guard down so she can take her mothers silver.

Silver that was given to her LAST summer and the OP didn't notice until now and it wasn't significant enough for her father to even mention. Yeah, sounds right 😒

Sounds like some of dh's relatives. DBiL died in an accident in summer. MiL/SiL asked his widow for the ring back that his parents had bought for his 21st over 45 years ago because it was "theirs". His widowed wife was wearing it on her finger at the time.

We are NC with said MIL.

None of this makes it right. It wasn’t hers to take or demand to be given.

This sounds a mature response. Uou must be really upset, but yes, protect yourself by seeing the real relationship.

But they did go to a daughter first didn’t they - OP’s mum ? And would have passed to a grand daughter - the OP.

@Rosscameasdoody it was given to her, she didn't walk in and take it...

How would OP’s dad know to give it to her if she didn't ask for it outright ?