Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

[Noihin]

My mum was one of 5 siblings, and when my GPs died over 20 years ago, the siblings divided their parents belongings amongst each other. GPs were not wealthy but had some nice things. My mum got their wedding silver. Mum was really happy and we used them every Christmas. It was a big deal for her. I was also close to my GPs.

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her. We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad, and we prefer it that way. I told her no. And that we use it, and it is part of our tradition.

I have grown really close to this aunt since my mums death. She has no children of her own and has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc. I have thought we have a genuine love for each other.

Now, i'm at my dads and i saw that the silver is gone. My dad said aunt came and demanded it last summer and he gave it her. He says its only materia and he doesn't think its right but he doesn't care.
I am deeply hurt. She went behind my back to do this, and has not once mentioned this to me all this time. I texted her to ask why she did this and she turned defensive and nasty. A side i've never seen if her before. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed and manipulated. The monetary value is not much, but its the greed, betrayal and disregard, as well as seeing the shady side of her that has shaken me. I don't know what to do. Im very bad at keeping up the appearances if someone has hurt me. On the other hand my children will miss her if i stop seeing her.

Op I'm with you I have a sister that's like this. It's not so much the value is it it's sentimental and the shitty and sly underhand way she's gone about it.

Sorry I have no advice but I know how hard it is not to go nuclear. People are shitbags.

When its stuff it IS about legalities and you cannot "literally" or otherwise steal from someone who has died.

I have learned a phrase while working on myself over the last two years. "When people show you who they are, believe them. " She's not a nice person OP. I'd just quietly slip out of her life if it was me tbh. Disgusting and mercenary behaviour by her

This is awful OP and sorry you have had to experience this and find out this way.

It has been exposed now who and what she is, so do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

Completely understandable OP that you feel such hurt and distaste for what she has done.
Hers is really ugly behaviour.
Of course it changes how you view her.

I'd call her out. It was your Parents wedding gift; nothing to do with heritage - incredibly grabby. My sister in law purloined two full sets of canteens of Silver cutlery plus Wedgewood Dinner service - my farther had just died and my mum was in no fit state to query as stuff was carried out.

She has no children so presumably it will come to you eventually. She probably wants to have her turn to use it before that time. It's very annoying and yes, a little shady, but they are just objects and not worth a rift. Maybe they remind her of her own family celebrations when she and your mum were all young and they used it together. Maybe they're a connection to her parents.

Seriously, they are just inanimate objects. Absolutely not worth all this.

No, it was OP's grandparents' wedding gift, so it's very much to do with the aunt's heritage. It would have been used while her mum and her sister were growing up. So both OP's deceased mum and her aunt had/have lots of memories of using the silver at family celebrations, I imagine.

From the aunt's perspective, the silver probably didn't mean much to her brother-in-law (OP's dad) and it IS her family silver - it belonged to her parents. She probably feels ownership over it considering it was her parents' wedding gift and therefore grew up using it. I can see how she feels it should come to her next, since her sister is no longer with us - kind of a sideways move - before it goes back to OP's side when the aunt dies.

Unfortunately, unless left to one of her children in her will, all of the property belonging to the OP’s DM ends up with her DH and therefore he can do what he likes with it.

She’s wrong though. It was never hers and she had no right to it. Plus it’s been with OP’s parents for 25+ years now.

Legally, it went to OP’s mum many years ago when she inherited it. After she died, it went to OP’s dad.

It was his to give away and sadly, stupidly and carelessly, he did it.

I do think he deserves some of the blame because giving away his wife’s sentimental family heirloom without checking if anybody cared was thoughtless and stupid. He shouldn’t get away with it by playing dumb and meek.

Well, if we're only going on technicalities and we're leaving sentimentality, memories and feelings out it, then OP has no more right to it than her aunt. It was never hers and she had no right to it either, going by your logic.

I’d say if it’s been with OPs parents for a quarter of a century than she would be more attached to it.

I don't know why it's any more hers than yours. But if you feel she has taken it by force or stolen it report it to the police. But they probably won't want to get involved. Ask for it back.

Her dad probably got sick of being pestered for it and just wanted peace.

The Netherlands, for instance.

Your aunt is really really underhanded, and I would completely understand if you were to cut her off.

Her dad sounds a bit weak. In his shoes I would have told the aunt to do one. A lot of men of a certain age are like the dad - they’d cut off their right arms if they knew it would guarantee quiet lives.

I completely understand the feeling of betrayal even if many are saying its only stuff. They aren't understanding how her underhanded and sly behaviour has effected you. The very fact she went to your dad's house and mithered him to give it to her is upsetting in itself but doing it behind your back after you expressly said no is beyond words really. It's not payment for babysitting nor anything else, you did not know there was a high price to pay for this, you thought it was done out of love. All those saying it's not worth losing your aunt over, well she obviously didn't feel the same. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. I know that keeping the status quo at your dad's was a comfort and now she has taken that. Make sure your dad knows not to let her have anything else she takes a fancy to.

@ThatKhakiMoose I disagree. They gave it to them as a wedding gift hence it follows they want it to be passed down that line. I think incredibly underhand.

@Noihin

As it’s her BIL and new wife, do you think she could be worried that they might sell it, or not look after it properly?

I’d be 100% appalled if she now sells it, but I don’t get the impression that is her motive.

Greed would imply a monetary gain for her, but if it’s more a sentimental gain - that’s different.

I think you need to have a chat with her, and find out her intentions.

It may be that she thinks your Dad/new wife won’t take care of it.

Despite the semantics, she has been a sneaky bitch.

NC now. Be done with her.

I’m just thinking that if my parents had given something important to my sister, and my sister was no longer there - I would be worried about it being looked after by non-direct family/new wife. Although I’d explain to my nieces that I’d look after it for them to have in the future. Particularly if they were abroad.

@Noihin

Legally unless your mum left the cutlery to a named person in her will, it belongs to your dad and he can gift it to someone else. It’s very upsetting to you that neither aunt nor dad have considered its sentimental value to you. But feelings run high after a death. Your aunt has been very good yo you in other ways.

No. That's not the concern. My dad and new partner are very settled in their relationship and independent lives, homes and have no intention to marry or move in together. And his new partner is older than him, has no children of her own, no siblings, no nieces or nephews and doesnt seem at all interested in my dads belongings. She is well off, owns her own home and drives a better car than him.
My dad has kept everything as my mum left it. Respected her traditions and has looked after the set and everything else well. He has his issues, but he is honest and trustwothy. He would never sell off anything like that.

Aunt wont sell it. I recognise her emotional attachment to her parents wedding gift (i told her this) but the what she has done is not right. The deceit and grabbyness is what hurts the most.

It was the grandparents ie the aunt’s parents wedding silver.
The title is misleading because I very much doubt she took it out of greed unless she’s sold it.
She wanted it for sentiment and maybe being an older lady on her own she needs that emotionally.
It wasn’t the OP’s in any case.

My mother has things given to her for her wedding. I’ve grown up with them by entire life. And I’ve heard the stories about them. So I get the sentiment.
I also get the OP’s sentiment but struggle to understand how she doesn’t see the aunt’s.

Also it’s just stuff. It doesn’t bring anyone back. People are more important.

@Noihin

You know your Dad, you have that closeness.
Do you think as a non-genetic relative, your Aunt has a different perception of your Dad and new wife?
Again, I remember my parents by a cutlery set we had at Xmas. I’d be happy if my sister had it - but if she was no longer there, I can understand wanting it back as it has emotional meaning to me.

It’s not monetary value, it’s the connection to my parents and the memories.