To feel a bit disappointed that he didn't get me anything for Christmas?

[Feelingabitsillyatxmas1]

I've name changed anticipating being told I'm "grabby" but I'd like some outsider perspective on whether you think I'm being unreasonable.

New boyfriend. 4 months. Had the exclusive chat and we have both said we have feelings for one another.

It was his birthday last week. I bought him a present. It didn't feel odd to do so, we've spent a lot of time together by this point.

Fast forward to Christmas, I got him a Christmas present. He hasn't got one for me (but has kept me updated about the things he's buying everyone else).

We spent yesterday together and I thought I'd at least leave with a Christmas card if not a box of chocolates or something. Nothing.

I'm feeling a bit stupid for buying things for him now 😔

AIBU (for 1) buying him gifts early on and 2) feeling the way I do now.

I think four months is a bit soon to be exchanging lavish gifts, but a card would have been nice, or him planning a festive outing.

Seen hundreds of posts on here with women buying their dates/boyfriends/husbands birthday/Christmas/Father's Day gifts and getting zero in return. WHY do you all do it? Why invest yourselves so much? Why try to make these occasions nice for them when they have given no signal that they are equally as considerate of your feelings?

This x1000.

You have given him expensive, high-end gifts after a mere 16 weeks of dating? I thought you meant maybe you presented him with a book or some chocolates or something.

a) bin
b) don't extend yourself so much for the next one

4 months into a relationship isn't a long time, but it should be the honeymoon period. Exciting and wanting to see and spend time with each other and buy little gifts for one another. If he's not doing any of that, maybe he's just not that into you as he hasn't given you any thought whatsoever.

What you did was kind and thoughtful and a nice thing. He's an arse.

Find yourself a man who is kind and generous with his money and time. Don't settle for anything less.

Another lifetime ago, I used to date a guy who made me buy my own burger and chips, whilst he paid and ordered his own. ( we'd been dating a few months) I mean, how much will a burger and chips cost? and yes, he had a good job so could afford it. Needless to say, he got dumped pretty soon. I couldn't be with someone who refused to splash out £5 on me. I found myself a much nicer kinder generous man and we've been together 25 years.

Oh, come on. It's not on the OP to spell this out to him.

YANBU, OP

Exactly this

That's really shit. I met my now DH a week before Xmas (1st date) and had our second I think on Boxing Day and he had got me a gift.

First thing you NEED to always remember is... he's NOT you.

then:. don't give to get.
It's a bit unfair to be disappointed your expectations not met when you didn't make him aware..
It will make it easier,no matter how new the relationship is if you are able to communicate

@Feelingabitsillyatxmas1

Hate to say it, but if he's this shit, this early into the relationship, he's not going to get any better. Like you said, he's had your gift for several days & if he was a half decent human being, he's had several days to go out & get you a little something, to avoid this awkward, embarrassing situation - he clearly doesn't care enough to make the effort. I'd cut him loose.

You're not a tit and you're not grabby. I would feel the same. yes it's 4 months, but you have spent a lot of time with each other, and confessed having feelings for each other. He could have got you something small but personal which would prove he's paying attention to your likes and interests.

Never feel bad or foolish for being generous, loving, Ana’s thoughtful.
pay attention to your feelings! They’re valid. If you feel odd that he’s talking so much about buying for others and didn’t give you a gift, pay attention. Your gut is telling you something.

I made excuses for men like this, and talked down my own feelings, and the relationships that evolved turned out to be fairly awful.

just pay attention and know that you are being reasonable. Your feelings aren’t lying to you.

Really? You think people have been together four months, have sex, stayed over etc and wouldn’t give a card or a present for Christmas? Weird

For my first Christmas with the current Mr AlertCat, he gave me a replacement for an item I used a lot but which had broken- I’d mentioned in passing that it had broken. Not hugely expensive but not really cheap either. But to me, incredibly valuable- I still use it most days five years on.

We’d been together less than 3 months, but he chose a gift with care and that has been reflected all the way through our relationship. if your bloke is telling you what he’s giving to other people, and you have given him a gift and he has chosen not to give you even a token, I’d say it doesn’t bode well for how he sees you and how he wants to treat you.

It sounds like you're on different pages, but that doesn't mean you're in the wrong! I think he's been incredibly rude - he's had several days to get you even a token present, and he's chosen not to.

If he fundamentally doesn't feel "ready" to commit to spending £20 at Christmas, then I wouldn't see much of a future there tbh.

I would have said are we getting each other presents. So one doesn't get something and one doesn't.

Oh he’s one of those is he? Allows you to buy him gifts and then makes empty promises on purpose knowing it’ll get you all excited only to pull the rug from underneath your feet when said gift never materialises and said gift is never mentioned again while telling you about everything he’s bought for everyone else just to rub salt in your wound. This is a red flag for me and I’ve found many abusers and emotional manipulators use this tactic. It’s a sign of things to come op. So if you’re happy to plod along being treated like this after only 4 months into the honeymoon period of your new relationship then imagine how things will be after 4 years. I imagine things will get much worse and not just with gift giving either.

I done this for years. It was because my dad was horrible to me and I spent my childhood/teenage years trying to ‘win’ him over. The I spent the next 39 years been attracted to men who were just like him. Also though,if it’s early enough to have feelings and it’s early enough to have sex and hug and keep seeing each other - yeah it’s early enough to get a Christmas present and id like to think people who are falling in love would be excited to buy a gift. It’s not about the money it’s about falling in love.

For me this would be a dealbreaker!

Exactly this - get rid of him. I’ve only ever dated generous men because I’m generous too and I don’t want a one sided relationship.

My current partner got me a small present after just a few weeks of dating when he went down to Devon with his family.

You definitely shouldn’t have to ask for a Christmas present when it’s clearly something you both celebrate and he’s happy buying gifts for others! Not to mention the fact you’ve got him stuff.

I’ve encountered friends/men who did that nonsense in the past with mentioning they were going to do something for me or get something and it would never materialise. I cottoned on quick with those people before - watch their actions, not their words.

But the red flag I see is that he said he would buy op a gift so op has been expecting one, only for one to never materialise and for her bf to never mention anything about it again. Thats just downright cruel and manipulative, nothing to do with it being early in the relationship.

Agreed. Also Op never mentioned anything about “lavish gifts”. He could’ve got her something less than £20 for example.

If you’re happy enough to accept gifts early on in a relationship, you should be happy enough to reciprocate. Let’s just hope he has that perfume he mentioned…

If it makes you feel any better, we had this situation reversed in the early years of our relationship. He bought me some lovely and expensive perfume...I got him nothing. We're still together 15 years later, married for nearly 10 and have a 5 year old together.

He sounds like an adult. Presents are for children.

Yes people discuss whether they are buying each other Xmas presents. The first Xmas I had been with my DP went like this:
Me: are we buying each other presents as I love Xmas
Him: of course we are, is there anything you want

He even bought for my DD who he'd only met twice at that point.

Sorry, I should have said early months! We'd been together about 3 months.