To feel a bit disappointed that he didn't get me anything for Christmas?

[Feelingabitsillyatxmas1]

I've name changed anticipating being told I'm "grabby" but I'd like some outsider perspective on whether you think I'm being unreasonable.

New boyfriend. 4 months. Had the exclusive chat and we have both said we have feelings for one another.

It was his birthday last week. I bought him a present. It didn't feel odd to do so, we've spent a lot of time together by this point.

Fast forward to Christmas, I got him a Christmas present. He hasn't got one for me (but has kept me updated about the things he's buying everyone else).

We spent yesterday together and I thought I'd at least leave with a Christmas card if not a box of chocolates or something. Nothing.

I'm feeling a bit stupid for buying things for him now 😔

AIBU (for 1) buying him gifts early on and 2) feeling the way I do now.

And I'm always amazed that some people's bar is so low that they don't think partners should show any thoughtfulness unless explicitly told. But here we are.

I'd be thinking I wasn't much of a priority to him, if you're not now you probably won't ever be.

I'm glad it's not a complete IABU. I've been going back and forth with myself about it.

At one point I even wondered whether me buying things this early on might seem a bit like love bombing? I don't think that's how he'd see it, atleast I hope not 😫

I'd like to be a fly on the wall tomorrow when he opens his present (which he has put under the tree) and his family ask what he got for me..

How did he react when you handed him his?

This. You're not his priority.

If he is your boyfriend then he should get you something. I've gotten mine gifts and together 6 months give versa. He bought mine first xx.

He did seem surprised to be fair, albeit thankful. He has had it under his tree since last Thursday so he's had plenty of time to grab a last minute token gift if he were so inclined 😶

Sorry OP but if you've said you're exclusive and he hasn't got you a present that's just shit and I think you need to make a point about it. See his reaction to that, and if he's anything but apologetic then end it. He'd need a very good reason to get away with it if it was me.

If you want a relationship with this man you need to find a way to communicate. Ie you say what presents mean to you and vice versa. You each say how it felt when you did/didnt receive a gift. Speculation isn’t going to move things on.

This times a million. So many apologists here for what is actually extremely revealing behaviour. And not in a good way. Total meanness of spirit.

He's had your present since Thursday? That really is plenty of time and even if he was busy, there is Amazon Prime. I cannot see any excuse here. Unless he is skint but too embarrassed to say so.

Just to be clear, there is nothing wrong with being skint, especially at Christmas. Has he led you to believe he is well-off, by any chance?

Nobody tells anyone they expect a present. It's socially unacceptable and humiliating. A present is a sign of affection, gratitude or respect - something that should come naturally from the heart and not prompted or even worse on demand.

Do people really have these conversations?

He hasn't lead me to believe he's skint no. He has been doing plenty of buying for Christmas, just not for me 😂

I'd dump him, it's really mean and cruel, even if was a small token would be at least thoughtful, he's been sharing what he's bought everyone else so you can't be that special to him.

Yeah, OP. In the absence of a really good reason, or a genuine open conversation about how this made you feel (where there's listening and accountability rather than excuses and defensiveness) this behaviour is not a good sign. Apathy and lack of initiative at this stage will lead to you feeling like you're dragging him through your entire relationship. It's like swimming through treacle, with him holding on to your ankle.

Any man who remotely gave a shit about your feelings would not risk upsetting or losing you by not getting you at least a token Xmas present.

Plus, he's got some brass neck accepting both a birthday and an Xmas present from you without reciprocating or at least saying "sorry, I can't accept this as it feels a bit too soon" (but even that makes him sound a like a wanker TBH).

Cut him loose and treat yourself, OP!

I'd been dating my now dh 3 weeks at Xmas and we both bought each other a small gift. It's thoughtless and sets the tone for the future and what he's like

"He hasn't got one for me (but has kept me updated about the things he's buying everyone else)."

So, you're not on his Christmas present list - at all. Unless he's got a surprise planned for tomorrow, this is totally shit behaviour (and all the worse considering you got him a birthday present). I'd be asking myself what is wrong with him that he doesn't appear to have any awareness, shame or conscience about this.

Surely when you gave him his birthday present he would have realised that you would give a Christmas present too ?

Would you like to share with us what you bought him.

Yes, def expect something after 4 months, could be something jokey but at least something

I wouldn't dump him yet. Let Christmas happen and see what he says afterwards.

If he lead you to believe he would be getting you some perfume (without rechecking your updates, I think that is what you said) then I would say "hope you liked your presents, but I didn't get the perfume you were talking about? Not sure if it was being delivered direct or not, but don't want you to think I am being ungrateful for not thanking you".

Then I would see what occurs.

But I agree with other posters, if this is how he is now, he is unlikely to change. If presents matter to you, then he may not be the one for you.

Do people actually do that?

Depends. Early on, DH said he didn't like cards or presents. I said I did, he acted accordingly. I always get a thoughtful card and a nice present. Often practical but still nice.

Yours does buy presents, mentioned he was thinking about buying you one, knows you bought him one. If one doesn't show up, dump. Not worth having the conversation.

I think it’s more expected to get something in the early exciting stage of relationships so YANBU. When you really like someone (like you should 4 months in) you want to do all you can to show them that. I think his actions speak volumes.

Oops accidentally clicked YABU and now can't undo! You aren't! Dump him. He has fucked it and by letting it slide you giving him permission to do this for eternity. This fast forward 10 years plus two kids and you doing everything for everybody is when you are in serious trouble. Run for the hills hon!