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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a bit disappointed that he didn't get me anything for Christmas?

441 replies

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 24/12/2024 16:43

I've name changed anticipating being told I'm "grabby" but I'd like some outsider perspective on whether you think I'm being unreasonable.

New boyfriend. 4 months. Had the exclusive chat and we have both said we have feelings for one another.

It was his birthday last week. I bought him a present. It didn't feel odd to do so, we've spent a lot of time together by this point.

Fast forward to Christmas, I got him a Christmas present. He hasn't got one for me (but has kept me updated about the things he's buying everyone else).

We spent yesterday together and I thought I'd at least leave with a Christmas card if not a box of chocolates or something. Nothing.

I'm feeling a bit stupid for buying things for him now 😔

AIBU (for 1) buying him gifts early on and 2) feeling the way I do now.

OP posts:
ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 17:44

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/12/2024 17:33

It almost seems that he's testing how much shit treatment you'll put up with.

Yup.

ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 17:46

OP, shit like this is the beginning of abuse. PLEASE dump him. This will only get worse. Just reflect on the fact that he upset you over Christmas and is now masquerading that nothing happened. He's a creep, a bully, and a massive, massive tit. No good can come of a relationship with someone who treated you like this. Get the cologne back and then dump his arse, I beg of you. Who the bloody hell does he think he is???????

2025willbemytime · 27/12/2024 17:47

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 27/12/2024 17:23

So I saw him today, he came round for dinner.

No present whatsoever or even a Christmas card.

I had convinced myself that surely he wouldn't come without atleast picking something up en route.

I did mention it, maybe a bit petty of me but I made a comment about the clubcard points being my present. He seemed completely oblivious to why I'd be annoyed.

So what are you going to do?

TwistedWonder · 27/12/2024 17:48

Please OP say you didn’t have sex with him after this?

ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 17:49

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2024 17:26

oh ffs ! I was so hoping.
I really did think he would turn up with your perfume !

Oh, I didn't. That would have ruined the stage-setting for abuse that's being laid out.

Mumofnarnia · 27/12/2024 17:50

ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 17:46

OP, shit like this is the beginning of abuse. PLEASE dump him. This will only get worse. Just reflect on the fact that he upset you over Christmas and is now masquerading that nothing happened. He's a creep, a bully, and a massive, massive tit. No good can come of a relationship with someone who treated you like this. Get the cologne back and then dump his arse, I beg of you. Who the bloody hell does he think he is???????

I agree it is abuse. I almost wrote the other day that I feel he’d either deny saying he was going to get her the perfume or he’d try to downplay the fact that op is upset about it and make it sound like it’s not a big deal. And lo and behold he’s twisted it to try and put the idea into op’s head that it’s not a big deal by pretending to be ‘oblivious’ about why she’s angry. He knows exactly why she’s angry!

IlooklikeNigella · 27/12/2024 17:53

What an absolute prick. He didn't get you anything and there was plenty of time after you put the present under his tree. Get rid!

Nc261224 · 27/12/2024 17:58

category12 · 27/12/2024 17:33

Hope you didn't shag him.

Oh course she did, don't want to be rude but she's coming across as desperate

ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 18:00

OP, if you break up with him, be prepared for him to offer you the moon and the stars, be full of sorrow, etc. Suddenly you'll be the most amazing creature who ever graced the earth and he'll want to flog himself with a switch of branches for being such a moron.

Don't fall for it. It's part of the cycle of abuse. He does something crappy and pretends he didn't. She either puts up with it (Yay for him! Open season!) or calls him out, at which point he becomes Little Boy Lost and wants her to save him from being such an idiot. All will be honeymoon until the next time.

Abuse follows a well-worn script.

Just think how malicious his actions have been over Christmas. You're the woman he's sleeping with, is exclusive with, and supposedly has feelings for. He lorded all his nice purchases for others over you, ignored your hint about the perfume you like, accepted a gift from you, got you ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in return, not even a card or chocolates, and all he can do is focus on what you spent. Saying he hopes you didn't spend too much when you gave it to him (how rude!) and again the amount when he'd opened it. Again, so rude.

And the fact that he got his family and friends really nice stuff and nothing for his girlfriend speaks volumes. All abuse of this kind is rooted in the male's utter conviction that his female partner is beneath him. He KNOWS that she's inferior in every way. (See the Lundy Bancroft book that's already been recommended to you, "Why Does He Do That?". And the way he's treated you this Christmas is very much in line with an abuser's thinking and way of operating. Especially the rubbing your nose in the nice things he'd bought for others.

Please read If He's so Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad? Recognising and Overcoming Subtle Abuse by Avery Neal.

I hope you trust the opinions of the women on here. We're not in a relationship with him, so we can see how outrageous this is. Many of us have been there, done that with these horrible men who think they're superior because they're men. I do hope you listen to us.

Dump him AND get that cologne back!

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 27/12/2024 18:05

I’d of flung his arse out the door before dinner and wrapped his up for the freezer for me to have later in the week.

what a tosser

ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 18:05

TLDR" Getting everyone a nice present except your girlfriend, especially when she got you one, is an act of aggression.

There can be no other reason except to upset her. It's like an underground war. Do something really horrible and then pretend it didn't happen.

ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 18:08

OP, since he obviously views you as inferior, can you rub your talents and achievements in his face for a while, if you're not going to break up with him asap? Demonstrate huge confidence in your own value. That will drive him nuts, and he might start to put you down. Then you'll see the abuser underneath more clearly.

orangewasp · 27/12/2024 18:10

Seriously OP, why are you still entertaining him; stop making passive aggressive Clubcard comments and get him dumped.

Baubletinseltree · 27/12/2024 18:22

Op if this isn’t the last date then I’m afraid you’re a doormat. His continued and no doubt worsening behaviour is on you for allowing it

Falalalala24 · 27/12/2024 18:23

Couldn’t you say, I thought you said you were buying me perfume for Christmas? You could text him now. See what he says. I don’t think you should let it go just because it’s a bit awkward to ask.

2025willbemytime · 27/12/2024 18:26

Don't say you thought.. you know he did.

Challas · 27/12/2024 18:28

He's just not that into you...move on from this one or accept being unimportant to your partner. I know which I'd choose!

HadEnoughOfThisPish · 27/12/2024 18:30

Wow. I hope you told him to get on the next bus heading directly to fuck. Quite happy to take the football top and expensive fragrance, but no sign of the perfume he was 'going to' get you? I'd guess that he contributed fuck all while you provided dinner as well. He's a freeloading gobshite. Although I bet he smells lush.

JaneAustensHeroine · 27/12/2024 18:37

What a prick. Anyone who can turn up empty-handed to a meal with a new girlfriend, regardless of Christmas, is terribly rude. He’s a user. You deserve better.

I went out on a date with someone like this once. I’d travelled 150 miles to see them after work and they went ahead preparing their dinner with no regard for me. There was no thought and no care. Ditto for your boyfriend. No thought and no care. If you stay with him you are basically saying you will accept this. He will throw you the occasional breadcrumbs by, perhaps, complimenting you and saying nice things. Words are cheap. Be guided by his actions.

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 27/12/2024 18:44

No I definitely did not shag him. I was very frosty with him after it become clear he hadn't brought the perfume (or fuck all else) I don't think we will be seeing one another again.

He did bring wine yes but that's the norm when he comes over, as I do when I stay at his.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 27/12/2024 18:47

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 27/12/2024 17:23

So I saw him today, he came round for dinner.

No present whatsoever or even a Christmas card.

I had convinced myself that surely he wouldn't come without atleast picking something up en route.

I did mention it, maybe a bit petty of me but I made a comment about the clubcard points being my present. He seemed completely oblivious to why I'd be annoyed.

OP, do not doubt yourself with this 'maybe a bit petty' stuff. You know that's just a line used to make women think that them asking to be treated respectfully and fairly, is them being demanding divas who are asking too much.

Right, now he's definitely got you no present at all and not even a lame promise of one being on the way, you should absolutely get rid. I like the earlier suggestion that you don't link it to this, as that opens up the (unfair) criticism of being 'materialistic' - instead, say you've gone off him and don't want to continue. I think personally it would be fair returns to do this on NYE, having already made your own plans for the evening. But whenever you do it, ditch this washout of a boyfriend.

menopausalfart · 27/12/2024 18:54

I once suggested that DH and I not exchange Christmas gifts and just buy for family and kids. He couldn't stand the thought of not getting me something, so I compromised on small, silly gifts. This year, I got him a tin of Bob Ross sweets and he got me a Groot hot water bottle. It's all about the thought and nothing to do with either of us being materialistic.

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2024 18:57

@menopausalfart

DH and I are like this too. In the past we have been short of cash and had £5 limit on gifts. We’d be able to get nice little things for that without it being a big deal.

Falalalala24 · 27/12/2024 18:59

You said you were frosty with him. Did he notice and would he have known why? Or was he oblivious?

JaneAustensHeroine · 27/12/2024 19:00

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 27/12/2024 18:44

No I definitely did not shag him. I was very frosty with him after it become clear he hadn't brought the perfume (or fuck all else) I don't think we will be seeing one another again.

He did bring wine yes but that's the norm when he comes over, as I do when I stay at his.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt but he’s had his chance. What a loser he is.

It makes me wonder whether he played this knowing it was his birthday then Christmas.

You’re lovely OP and one day you will meet someone as generous of spirit as you.

No doubt, if confronted, he would say he has children to buy for etc etc. Mean people justify their mean behaviour in numerous ways. Start the new year as you mean to go on OP!