To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

“Rejecting her tiny, innocent children”

oh come on - snappy SIL is hardly Myra Hindley. It’s a difficult situation for all concerned - SIL more so than the fortunately blessed OP. And that’s about it

To be fair, that’s largely @WishinAndHopin

I think you need to meet up with her without the kids, tell her how much you love her and how sad it makes you to see her unhappy. Tell her there is a man out there for her. She needs operation meet the man 2025. It isn’t easy meeting people these days, but the longer she leave it the harder it gets. She might have to push herself out of her comfort zone, which requires confidence, but it can be done.

It would've been more sensible to have warned DSIL in advance of the announcement. She would've had more time to process it before having to see you all, and it at least raises the possibility that she might have controlled herself better. So self-interest alone would probably have made me do it.

She needs operation meet the man 2025.

Omg do not say anything like this to SIL!

TBH I think in an ideal world your SIL needs general emotional support rather than mention of a man - to treat her as though she’s an already strong, confident person in general - with no mention of parental /marital status - and everything else then might have a greater chance of falling into place

that said, given how your SIL has behaved towards you OP - I think her best source of support is someone completely neutral to the situation - outside the family ?

and yes - I am idealising here - but hope people can see what I mean ..

SIL and I are 30, DH is a couple of years older.

Oh good grief, 30 is young. Most of my friends didn’t even meet their partners until early- mid 30s. She has plenty of time to meet someone and have kids. Talk about dramatic

@thepariscrimefiles when did I say that her parents don't celebrate her achievements? They're both very proud of her career and they talk about it with pride pretty frequently, also of course it's a different type of excitement to a baby

Please make it clear that you will not be tolerating any more stonewalling of your toddlers (a form of abuse by the way)

As a survivor, I think it’s despicable to undermine the concept of child abuse by including things like ‘not always engaging fully with someone else’s toddlers’.

Really bizarre how people, including the OP, seem to have written the SIL off and she’s only 30! There is still plenty of time for her to meet someone and have children if she wishes. In my circles it’s much more unusual to have 3 kids by 30 than be single. And much more normal to go to university to advance your career rather than ‘meet a man’! Some antiquated attitudes in this thread.

@WidgetDigit2022 at what point did I suggest I'd like a specific reaction? I didn't need a huge celebration, I am purely informing a pair of grandparents that they are about to have another grandchild. Not informing them would be weird, especially with growing bump. Informing them doesn't mean I expect a hundred balloons blown up immediately or everyone to jump in the air.

For now we are planning 4. It's not about ticking boxes, I'd say it's quite usual for people to know how many children they'd like (which may also change as they have each child, with circumstances or preferences changing) and then act accordingly, as opposed to not using any family planning and being surprised with each pregnancy. It's why people use and stop using contraception, because they'd like to have a certain amount of children.

Exactly... she has many fertile years ahead and every chance to meet a man!

I agree. I thought the OP was going to say she was pushing 40 and the chances of her having kids was way too late! It's ridiculous for her to have bitterly doomed herself to the life of "spinster" at age 30.

All this fuss and she’s only 30?! Christ.

It’s very easy to blame women for being single. But demographics suggest that there are many more eligible women seeking good partners than there are suitable men.

And it’s a matter of luck if you meet the right one.

Telling women that their behaviour is the problem is very very unhelpful and causes pain.

This.

I think a lot of PPs don’t realise how “smug married” they sound.

I wonder if perhaps her career, whilst successful, is hard going for her, within as you say a male dominated industry. She's turning up and doing it but maybe it's very wearing on her and she thinks she'd prefer your lifestyle instead. Has she discussed what her worklife is like? Perhaps she's looking ahead and thinking she just can’t see herself in this type of role for the next 38 years or so. Either way, playing the childless jealous spinster at just 30 is madness and a surefire way to kill any chance of a happy life with or without her own family in it.

Again, you’re speaking as if the SiL is so problematic that she has to have special measures taken for her to get a man. It’s largely luck - right person, right time.

Stop being so fucking condescending

she is a grown woman and needs to get a handle on her emotions, she is an aunt and blood related to your children. Her pain is nothing to do with you and she needs to stop her behaviour and deal with it appropriately, not direct it at you. Please don't let her shadow your happiness 💞💞💞

How on earth can you say those things about her? You basically called her a fat, childless mess, complained about her lack of babysitting and said she should be celebrating your crotch goblin or else. Awful OP.

It's nothing to do with gender or "blame" and everything to do with attitude. I wouldn't want to date a man who was bitter and jealous either.

I just saw she is 30 too. 30!!! It's not abnormal to be single at that age- stop acting as if not meeting your life partner by your lates 20s is weird.

It's completely normal- plenty of people dont meet the right person until after that age. It doesnt mean they are "unlucky" or that there is something wrong with the demographics of where they live FGS.

Yup.

Just out of curiosity why did you feel the need to “announce” it to everyone at a family gathering though? Absolutely your right to of course , I just never understood this. surely if you need to tell someone something, you just tell them?

Quite!