To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

I do think you should talk to her. Not today but later on, ask her out for a coffee and apologise for being tactless with the way you announced the pregnancy and ask her how she's feeling.

I wouldn't say she's upset you or confront about her being off with you as she's clearly having a really hard time.

It can be really hard to see people doing well if you're longing after the same thing yourself.

When I was 30 I had zero interest in having children and found the (very small no.) of friends who did fantastically boring. This wasn't because I didn't want children. It's because partly little children are wearing and exhausting. Mostly it was because I felt that I'd lost my once interesting and youthful friends to a chant of Bugaboo this and Tommee Tippee that and couldn't talk to them about anything.

OP, is it possible that you aren't asking much about her life, interesting job etc, and have become very narrowly focused on what - for most women - is only one small part of a full adult life?

Haha omg - SIL is 30 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

But most don’t talk about announcements of future pregnancies when they’re in the early stages of a current pregnancy. It’s odd.

@hopsalong I have three kids and agree with you entirely. I hate ‘mum talk’ as I call it. I really don’t want to stand talking for 30mins solidly about what your kid eats for dinner or how many ounces of milk your baby drinks. How your pregnancy feels or the long list of names you’re considering. It’s DULL, repetitive and mundane.

Sounds like you’re taking this post personal. Heal!

Are you lost?

Not sure you can possibly quantify ‘suitable men… let alone put it into a statistic.
What is a suitable man ?
kind - definite kind
solvent - at what level
educated - degree level?
good looking - irrelevant… and shallow but desired
but I can assure you anyone who goes around being bitter and mean is not going to pick up a quality mate.
and to deny this and not take responsibility for the vibe you give out does not help anyone
i have found this is all walks of life
it’s the happy , friendly, colleague everyone gravitates towards…… we could all learn a thing or two from them

This really is rubbish though. There are plenty of bitter, mean and nasty people in seemingly happy marriages. And plenty of lovely and compassionate people who are unhappily single. Life just isn’t fair unfortunately.

Oh god amen to this

Isnt the word here "seemingly"? you dont really know what goes on behind closed doors. I doubt anyone is "happy" living with someone who is mean, bitter and nasty.

Besides, I would not recommend bitterness being the path anyone chooses to take, not because of relationships necessarily, but for their own wellbeing and happiness. Bitter people arent happy or fulfilled people regardless of what they might have in their lives and thats the entire point- it will poison you because you can always find someone who has more than you, its a never ending cycle of comparison and unhappiness.

My mum when she was the age I am now / early 50s was prime example of bitter - worst thing you can be imo I witnessed it

You are naive if you don’t think there are plenty of bitter married people out there, who are perfectly happy with their meanness.

I am obviously not saying that it’s a good choice to be bitter - obviously. But platitudes along the lines of you’ll meet someone because you are so nice are just that - platitudes. People often don’t get what they deserve in life and life isn’t fair. My point is that it is perfectly possible to be kind, funny, empathic and a million other positive things but still be single. Being single is not a defect or character flaw.

I am saying this as someone who is happily married, but who also loved the times before being married. The undercurrent of pity towards the SIL on this thread are baffling, she’s 30 and has her whole life ahead of her. I knew I’d rather have been single at 30 than have 3 kids already but each to their own!

I am sure there are bitter mean married people - my point is they arent in "happy marriages". If the OP's SIL sole goal is to be married regardless of whether its a happy marriage or not then it really shouldn't be difficult to find someone if you have such low standards and dont care if the person you marry is mean but it wont be a happy one.

I do believe that having an entirely negative attitude will only bring you more negativity in the long run.

I also agree that it's ridiculous for the SIL to be so bitter and jealous about it when she's only 30! What an utter waste of time to be so bitter at such a young age and she has many years to find someone decent.

@WidgetDigit2022 all I said was that next time, given that I think there will be a next time as we are planning for one more, I will tell SIL differently as this time didn't turn out great. Not the same as "planning an announcement" as if I've already bought the balloons and "mum-to-be 2027" t shirts

@poodledoodles Of course there are plenty of unpleasant and nasty characters who are married to each other quite happily, projecting their nastiness onto others!

I don’t agree that the SIL seems ‘so bitter and jealous’, given the sanctimonious undertones of this thread I have reason to doubt the OPs narrative. There’s a whole spectrum of complexity when it comes to emotions, and it seems like the SIL will be feeling a total mixture in regards to this situation - understandably so, considering the OP did not show her any consideration or thought whatsoever despite being ‘best friends’. It takes a minute to send a text. The OP comes across as smug and painting the picture of her ‘sad, bitter, fat career focused friend’. Nasty. Utterly bizarre thread.

Mostly it was because I felt that I'd lost my once interesting and youthful friends to a chant of Bugaboo this and Tommee Tippee that and couldn't talk to them about anything

I'm inclined to think that it is a combination of this ^^ and feeling lonely and left behind.

You are at different life stages, and she feels that she has lost her best friend to motherhood. You no longer have very much in common.

I'm sorry, but I agree that it is weird to be planning number 4 when you are pregnant with number 3.

I can see both sides here.

I was in a similar position to SIL until I was 32. Not with the brother etc, but I was unhappily single for 6 years while I watched every single one of my closest friends and my siblings happily settle down, get married and get pregnant. My heart was constantly breaking and I felt completely left behind. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel crap with each new announcement. I think you definitely should have messaged her beforehand given you are friends and you know she’s struggling.

on the other hand, I knew this was MY issue. I would never have taken it out on my friends or relatives and always made the level of fuss of them I felt capable of making at the time. Always spoilt the kids with attention as well as gifts. Then went home and had a good cry! Some of the comments SIL is making are totally unacceptable and you really aren’t required to put up with this. She’s also cutting off her nose by treating the kids like crap. They might end up being the only kids in her life! I got a lot of joy from the relationship with my nieces, nephews and kids of close friends. I would therefore say something like “that’s a pretty awful thing to say!” Every time she makes a horrible comment. She’s going to drive everyone away acting like she is.

as she’s a good friend I’d probably also make an effort to have one on one time with her.

also ignore the people like @RampantIvy saying it’s weird to plan future children in advance - of course it’s not! Most people going into their first pregnancy have an idea of how many kids they’d like and what sort of age gaps they want. Of course things can change but most people have a vague plan. At least 3 kids in you will definitely know whether you enjoy parenthood or not, so will likely have a good idea of whether a 4th is for you or not!