To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

Frankly, your SIL sounds bitter and horrible. Your pregnancy announcement or family planning doesn't need to be tailored to her ffs.

It seems strange that you are already planning baby number 4 when you are newly pregnant with your 3rd baby. Although it is entirely your decision how many children to have, it must almost seem to your SIL that you are rubbing it in her face.

Possibly she thought that after your after your second child, maybe your friendship could get back on track as the children grow up and she wasn't expecting you to have more children.

I agree with this. I totally get it- I have been in her situation when everyone around me was getting married and having babies and I was heartbroken from a break up. But that isnt an excuse to be bitchy to people. It wont help her either- trying to bring someone down doesnt in fact, raise you up, it just makes everyone feel unhappy and creates a bad atmosphere and its pushing people away at the time when you need it most.

We are all responsible for our own feelings and our own happiness in life and I highly doubt that she would be happy as Larry even IF you stopped at having one kid because the dissatisfaction with her life would still be there- its within her and not coming from external sources such as you. She is going to encounter people in life all the time who have what she wants because we all do- you cannot avoid the entire world. eg I lost my mum at an early age, I dont expect everyone around me to never mention their mothers because it hits a nerve within me.

Sadly, I would be withdrawing from her and giving her space. I might have a chat with her and explain why but until she can learn to reframe her perspective on this she will likely stay in this unhappy state and unfortunately, the only person who can change this is her.

Her situation certainly isnt fixed in stone, there is every chance she could meet someone amazing in 2025 but that isnt going to happen if she goes around with a face on her, angry at the world. She is ruining her own chances here by embracing this victim mentality.

Your lives are so different that if you hadn't been married to her brother, I'm sure that your friendship would have drifted. It's quite unusual for someone at University to be talking about having lots of children, rather than aiming for a good career.

She excels in her career in a male dominated profession which is admirable. I wonder if she is also upset because her parents are much less excited about her achievements while being massively excited about your ability to keep producing many grandchildren. Someone I worked with came from a unsupportive working class family who were completely uninterested in her academic achievements and high flying career, and she told me that the first time her dad congratulated her about anything was when she had a baby.

It’s not up to SIL how many DC OP has, and her potential reaction to it should not be a factor in OP and her DH’s family planning. They don’t have to think, oh we shouldn’t have any more in case it upsets SIL, she’s struggling as it is.

OP not having another child doesn’t do anything to change SIL’s situation.

And if her parents don’t recognise her achievements (no evidence of this) but are delighted only by DGC, again, this is not for OP to mitigate. Thats a conversation for SIL to have with her parents, not take it out on OP.

well said 👏🏼

Dont be so ridiculous- my friend has 5 kids. Never once did it cross my mind she did it to 'spite me"- what a load of rubbish. If you think that way, thats your paranoid issue, not hers. People's choices of how many kids they choose to have is their decision alone and its noone else's business.

If I made the decision that I could only be friends with my friend on the basis she only had two children I would have missed out on my lovely friend who has been so supportive of me throughout the years and she's the sister I never had.

I cant imagine having such rigid demands of friends that they can only have two kids. What next?- is there a limit to how much their house should cost in order for me to stay friends with them? good grief.

Quote: "First planned, second accident, we loved the age gap between DC1 and DC2 so wanted the same again".
Is there any chance your husband talked to his sister and alluded to not being thrilled about having three kids in 4 years. If so, that may explain her reaction.

Why? Plenty of people, before they even have the first, express a wish for the number of children they think they want to have. Nothing strange about it at all.

She's sad and in pain. She's being spiteful because you have what she wants and she's in agony. Just bear that in mind.

Well said. I am single and would love to meet someone and have kids. I manage not to be spiteful or mean to my friends who have them. Its really not that hard because I love and care about my friends.

She wont get anywhere with meeting someone if she has such a negative unpleasant attitude because that kind of jealousy and resentment is deeply unattractive.

This

bloody hell! but blunt and untrue

Plenty of people will have found themselves in her situation or similar but not behaved in the way she has chosen to. If this is her inclination then I'm not surprised she's struggled to find someone who wants to be with her beyond a few dates. She might be deeply unhappy but allowing herself to be wholly consumed by jealousy is not going to do her any favours whatsoever. Stop pussy footing around her and put boundaries in place about the unacceptable way she talks to you.

I really don’t understand how you had time to consider all this but didn’t have time to message your supposedly best friend in advance.

And you make it sound like she’s been sarcastic for ages but presumably you only told her about the pregnancy yesterday or the day before.

You seem ready to write off an entire friendship due to a couple days of tension.

Give her time to process it. You don’t need to go out of your way to include her or put up with rudeness but equally don’t write her off yet.

A lot of posters seems very sure SIL is being a cow, bitter, spiteful, and not seeing that she was ambushed by what is to her difficult news, in a situation she can't easily escape. If OP and her DH had thought to tell SIL in a different way before, maybe she could have pasted on a smile or just kept her thoughts to herself. But she was told in circumstances which she already struggles with, and had no chance to put her feelings to the side and play happy families. Much taller order.

And posting that SIL is being abusive to the DC is ridiculous, their parents and grandparents are there doting on them, they aren't being neglected because auntie doesn't want to play with them. When my DC were small I didn't expect non-child-enjoying friends to want to interact with them, because people (even relatives and friends) are allowed to not want to interact with my kids.

Yes I have tried to be sensitive and I have been sensitive.

You totally have not.

You've not done anything wrong.
You've nothing to apologise for.
From what you've said, her reaction to the news of your pregnancy was always going to be like this, irrespective of how she found out.
Her remarks about cold lunches and tired grandparents aren't worth responding to - they're a red herring, a cover up of her actual feelings. Until she speaks honestly there's no point in discussing it with her.

Also, don't become the apologetic whipping boy - it was nice to offer to meet her without the children etc but it's not helped, had it? Carry on this way and she'll have even less respect for you.

How old is your SIL?

behave like a brat when someone has something that they want

oh come on.

Been there, got the tshirt.

DO NOT say anything to her unless it is to ask how she is. In her eyes, you’re having the golden life that she is shut out from.

People in couples playing happy families have very little idea about how shut out from “normal” life women without partner or children can feel.

Have some empathy. She probably does like herself much at the moment.

I actually do think you should talk to her about it. I appreciate she’s hurting but that doesn’t make it ok for her to make nasty comments.

We all have things in our lives that might get us down, however, the world would be a horrible place if we all just took out our bad moods on everyone around us- where would it end? That’s not going to help her anyway. She could spend the entire day making shitty comments and she’ll still be going home to an empty house so it’s not even achieving anything.

I would have an open chat with her and express that you care about her and would like to help/find ways to support her but that her comments are hurtful and unacceptable. Maybe an open discussion where you can both be really honest with each other will help repair the friendship going forward.

It’s no excuse for rude comments

To be fair to the OP, these things about her SIL would be quite obvious visually to pick up on

The first 2 paragraphs here are so on point.

OP my mum was very much like your sister in many ways

When I dropped out of A levels of school and got a job - she used to throw random drunken tantrums and scream to my Dad:

“she’s taken the EASY option and you know it”

when I later got a boyfriend she threatened suicide if I got pregnant

just for context - she’d been an emotionally abusive alcoholic all of my childhood

echoing many posts on here - the bottom line is OP - people cant throw drunken tantrums/make snide remarks just ‘cos others dont behave how they want